I have spent the better part of this month planning baby showers (obviously not my own), birthday parties, helping plan benefits/fundraisers, sending off several family members that are on their way to Iraq, and trying to come to terms with everything that has went on.
I just haven't had it in me to blog. I've lost my focus and really haven't felt the need to inflict myself on anyone. I am starting to read blogs again, though, so maybe I can't get out of my funk and write again.
2009 has sucked big time and has tanked me in so many ways. Every day has felt like a lifetime this year.
Thank you to those of you that have sent me messages asking me how I am. I'm sorry I have been slacking in communicating. I think of all of you often, even when I'm not here.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
April Fool's (I wish, oh how I wish)
I got bombed again...
My best friend was acting strange tonight when we were talking and finally I asked him what was going on. He blurted out that him and his wife are pregnant. I asked if it was an April Fool's joke and he said she was serious when she told him. Great. Congratulations. All I know is that this better not be an April Fool's joke because it is not funny if it is.
Any other time I would throwing parties and thrilled to pieces...tonight I feel as if someone shoved a knife through me. This changes everything.
I feel horrible for feeling like this. This is my best friend and I am happy for him. I also soo jealous and I know that there is no way I can be in their life now. He has been the only one that knows everything and our friendship was perfect.
Was...until tonight.
I have always been able to suck it up and be there for my friends, especially my best friends. This is the first time that I have had to drop to my knees and say uncle. I can't do this. I can't be the happy, supportive, shoulder-giving friend I need to be.
I choked back the tears as I told him how happy I am for them. I am happy for them, but my grief outpowers that happiness by a landslide. I know he knows that something was wrong when we hung up, but I couldn't form the words to tell him even if I knew what to say. I am not sure he would really understand even if I did have the right words to tell him how I really feel.
It should change nothing, but for me it changes everything. The one person that knows how much I am hurting and has been my voice of reason is having the one thing in the world that I want and can't have and I don't have it in me to be along for the ride as a friend. Everyone else in my life that is pregnant or has just had a baby hits a nerve, but nothing like this. I'm not sure if it is because it was pure surprise or if it was because this is someone that I talk with almost daily and I can't bear the thought of hearing baby updates. I'm not sure it matters.
2009 has been nothing more than a cruel joke. Now I feel like total crap for feeling this way and total crap for allowing my grief to change this friendship.
My best friend was acting strange tonight when we were talking and finally I asked him what was going on. He blurted out that him and his wife are pregnant. I asked if it was an April Fool's joke and he said she was serious when she told him. Great. Congratulations. All I know is that this better not be an April Fool's joke because it is not funny if it is.
Any other time I would throwing parties and thrilled to pieces...tonight I feel as if someone shoved a knife through me. This changes everything.
I feel horrible for feeling like this. This is my best friend and I am happy for him. I also soo jealous and I know that there is no way I can be in their life now. He has been the only one that knows everything and our friendship was perfect.
Was...until tonight.
I have always been able to suck it up and be there for my friends, especially my best friends. This is the first time that I have had to drop to my knees and say uncle. I can't do this. I can't be the happy, supportive, shoulder-giving friend I need to be.
I choked back the tears as I told him how happy I am for them. I am happy for them, but my grief outpowers that happiness by a landslide. I know he knows that something was wrong when we hung up, but I couldn't form the words to tell him even if I knew what to say. I am not sure he would really understand even if I did have the right words to tell him how I really feel.
It should change nothing, but for me it changes everything. The one person that knows how much I am hurting and has been my voice of reason is having the one thing in the world that I want and can't have and I don't have it in me to be along for the ride as a friend. Everyone else in my life that is pregnant or has just had a baby hits a nerve, but nothing like this. I'm not sure if it is because it was pure surprise or if it was because this is someone that I talk with almost daily and I can't bear the thought of hearing baby updates. I'm not sure it matters.
2009 has been nothing more than a cruel joke. Now I feel like total crap for feeling this way and total crap for allowing my grief to change this friendship.
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