Grief

Things are spiraling out of control so fast, I don't even know where to begin.

I will start with the most recent thing going on. I talked to my best friend earlier. We've really had no chance to talk ove rhte last few weeks since he lost his mom, but we finally got to talk for a bit. I feel so helpless being so far away and being 'the only one that understands what he's going through' person he can actually let his emotions out. His family is great, but they just don't get what it's like to lose a mom, much less a parent. So, I'm the only one in his life that really knows how he feels...mainly because I know him so well and know what works and what doesn't when listening and being there for him.

I am angry that some of his family is trying to push anti-depressants on him without allowing him to feel his pain and grieve. Don't get me wrong, I think they are wonderful, but I know that most doctors overprescribe and the patient ends up being a zombie or they actually do work, and like me while trying to get off have the hardest time getting off of them. I suggested grief counseling and support groups...for all of his family and finding someone that he trusts will be neutral and give him good advice to talk to. I also suggested that because he does have kids that need him that he set aside a certain amount of time a day and make it his grieving time. Whether it be in the shower or the car (although I don't suggest that because it is dangerous) or just taking a long walk...you know that you will have that time to cry, scream, hit the walls, beat the pillows, or just talk/write it out.

We all grieve in our own ways. No one way is wrong. Each of us have to find our own path and we have to find our own way through this painful path. It is a never-ending road that gets easier as time passes, but even decades from now, the pain will be so fresh and hit so fast before it fades away as sudden as it came (although at the time it feels like an eternity while going through that wave of grief).

My heart breaks for him because I know this is just the beginning and that being so far away I can't actually hug him or tell him face to face that things will get better. It sucks to watch a dear friend hurt so bad and no you can't do anything to fix that pain.


On a side note, I went to the doctor on Wednesday. Lots of tests, lots of waiting, will be more tests next week, and since I have a horrible case of the flu, a possible hossible stay for fluids if I don't feel better in 24 hours or so. Things don't look great on the test front, though. I kept getting weird looks from ultrasound girl, catscan guy, and blood drawing chick. Of course, they could have just been afraid that I was going to projectile vomit any moment...I'm known for that. Which is a bad thing. When I get the stomach flu (or any other type thing that causes vomiting), I do it well.

I did write a long journal entry of what happened earlier Wednesday morning while I was in the doctor's office the other day. I may type it up and post it...

Just when i was feeling alone and hopeless...another bloom.

I miss being pregnant. I miss my babies. Through all of the loss and pain, the newest bloom brings me a smile.

Lost

I've lost my way.

I have been sitting here talking to a friend of mine. She told me I am strong. I don't believe her. I have had to ask people NOT to hug me over the last few weeks. I've had to walk out of a room when the topic of babies, pregnancy, or marriage came up. I've had to go against who I am because I'm so afraid that if someone touches me or says the wrong thing that I'll shatter and completely fall apart.

I have no husband any more. I had a boyfriend that I had to walk away from because I needed him and he went to help friends redo their home in two states away.

I have 5 Angel babies. Most people in my life don't know about any of them and some only know about a couple. There are only 3 people in my life that know about all of them, besides here.

There is something wrong with me. I am in an area where the doctors and hospitals suck. I have no insurance and am in big-time debt with my health bills.

I am coming to the realization that no matter what I do, I may never have a partner or a baby.

My career is hanging by a thread. I know it, but I can't do shit about it because my health and sanity is more important right now.

This wasn't how my life was supposed to be when I begin my 30s. This wasn't my plan or goals for my life.

I'm absolutely terrified. My faith is being tested. My strength is being tested. My love is being tested. My body is being tested. Everything in my life is hanging by a thread and I see the scissors coming at it.

My friends that lost their stillborn baby boy are in complete denial. They won't even acknoledge their loss. It's almost as if he never existed. I"ve brought up support systems, couseling for them and their daughter, blogging anonymously so they can just get their feelings out without having anyone there to comment. Their little girl is asking about the baby constantly, not understanding the loss or the graveside service for him and they ignore her. I've reached out and I respect they don't want it, but I'm so concerned at how unhealthy it is to try to pretend none of this happened.

Denial and grief sucks.

Another day.

More deaths. A friend's baby was stillborn a few days ago.

I got bad news back from my doctor. Going in on Wednesday for more tests. My blood counts are crazy high and my pap smear showed abnormal cells. I sill have that infection that no antibiotics are touching. I don't know what's going on, neither does my doctor, but I really wish they'd figure it out.

I'm broken and shattered. The last few months have destroyed me. I have to make myself get out of bed and to eat. Yet, I can't sleep, either. I stopped reading the local papers and watching the local news. The double murder is plastered everywhere. Everyone has their opinions about it...most not knowing I know the family.

I can't get the damned baby's casket out of my mind. I can't get the sobs of that day out of my head. I see my twins' urn and I sob. People that don't know I lost them walk up to me and ask me about them. They mean well, but it is just one more punch to my gut. Everything is so raw. My emotions are on edge. I don't know how to make any of this better.

I've lost 9 people in two months.

One of my best friends lost his mom. I haven't been able to have a real conversation for weeks with him. I feel that on top of everything, I've lost him, too. Things have changed so fast for both of us and I am not in a place to be the emotional rock he needs just as he isn't able to be the rock I need.

This all sucks...I feel so lost and alone.

Blooms

I planted this Amaryllis on the day after Christmas shortly after I came home after the twins were born. It was supposed to take 6 weeks to bloom and I had almost lost it several times because it was so cold here and little sunlight. I looked last night at it and and saw that it was so close to blooming, yet the blooms were hanging towards the ground like it just wasn't going to bloom and die instead. I cried and cried because that was something I had done in order to remember my babies that I will never get to watch grow or bloom into beautiful people.

In the midst of so much darkness, death, illness, and so much sadness, it bloomed today. I came home after being out all day. I had a horrible headache and was exhausted. I looked up and there it was in all of it's glory during the sunset. A wave of peace washed over me as I looked at it. I just had to capture it.
















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Listening to: Rocco Deluca and The Burden - Gift
via FoxyTunes

Honest Scrap

Thank you Cara for tagging me.

The rules:

A) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

B) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

C) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 honest things about me:
1) Most people think I'm the only child, but I'm the youngest.
2) I have an older brother that has been an angel since the day he was born and that is two years older than I am.

3) I have an unnatural obsession with my music. I can't explain it, but just about every song I listen to, I can tell you where I was when I first heard it, but I can't freaking remember people's names to save my life.

4) I have a group of online friends that are closer to me than most of my family.
5) I melt if someone rubs my feet or my back, even though I'm ticklish.
6) I have played gigs and jam sessions with some famous musicians. Several are now deceased.
7) I have had baby names and what the nursery will look like picked out since I was 18.
8 ) My bucket list is getting longer and longer.(Ok, so I'm swiping this one from Cara.)

9) I HATE it when people lie or find the need to be fake.

10) It took me a LONG LONG time to learn how to say NO to people and not feel guilty for doing so. There are certain ones in my life that just can't accept the fact that I wasn't put on this Earth to be at their every whim and be who they want me to be.

Since I feel like crap and am too lazy to look through blogs, if you read my blog and haven't done this, then I tag YOU. :)

I'm so damned frustrated right now...

Ok, I'm frustrated. Really fucking frustrated to tears. I minored in computers. I used to be able to design web pages, etc blindfolded...I can't do it that easy now because I don't do it daily, but I still know how to do it.

I've been home for a while, reading blogs and boards. Trying hard to take my mind off of everything that's going on. I was trying to upload photos from my camera so I could share them with friends and family at one of the boards I am a member of. I can't get shit off of my camera. The computer and the card are having issues with each other. I am supposed to help design and put together some things for a benefit for the family of the double murders. Everything that is printed, etc plus the music list is supposed to come from me. Not only can't I get my printer to work, I can't access my music and my graphic programs. So then I came here to blog...I wanted to do a post that I was tagged for plus a that I wanted to start on Mondays to make this blog my own. I can't get any photos or videos to upload on here...at fucking all. I tried on the old mac I have and can't any photots to upload onto my posts from there, either.

So for tonight I give up. I will be back to blogland later today. I will comment and maybe somehow figure out why I can't put my photos in my blog...The camera and printer issues will be figured out when I actually can see to read the manuals. I'm sure it's something stupid like resetting something or the like, I just can't see through the tears to fool with it tonight. I don't know what the deal is with why I can't insert photos in my posts here.

Think before you speak.

Never ever look at a woman that was pregnant the last time you saw her and say, "Shouldn't you be showing more than that at 22 weeks with twins?"

I lost it. Seriously lost it in the middle of this meal that we had prepared for the families. A place that I didn't want to lose it. A place that wasn't for my personal grief. I wasn't angry by any means, I know most people didn't know I was pregnant and there are a few that did that didn't get the memo filled with the gossip about the woman that had lost her 4th and 5th children. It felt like someone had punched me in the gut and took away all of the strength I had been desperately clinging to in order to get me through this. My knees buckled, I felt the room spinning and if it hadn't been for a few friends beside me, I would have went completely down. They spoke for me, remarking I lost the twins and that I had been through complete and utter hell over the last few weeks on top of the loss of my babies and the health issues.

I feel horrible that the parents that had just buried their little girl and infant grandson was hugging me telling me it was ok.

No, it isn't ok. None of this is ok. So much of this should have never happened. Senseless fucking tragedies.

Visitation

The most heartbreaking thing in the world is an infant's coffin along side his 21 year old mother's coffin.

I had to come home for a bit to grab some things because a bunch of us are putting together a dinner for the family and friends that go to the double funeral tomorrow. We need to get everything started tonight because I honestly don't know how any of us will be able to cook that much food in the morning. I get to do this again tomorrow night for my cousin's visitation and funeral after I leave the dinner at the church.

While I was there, I found out that one of my favorite college professors had passed two days after Christmas.

God, please give me the strength to get through all of this and please give this family comfort in their losses.

Thank you to everyone that has been here for me. I simply could not do this if it weren't for the love pouring out from my friends and family.

Yet another death

Hell continues.

One of my cousins past away last night. He was a neighbor. I grew up with his kids. He's around my mom's age, but we were all so close it didn't matter that he was a 3rd cousin to me.

With more bad news from two friends. One has a daughter that is 23 and has two babies (one a newborn) and she has been in the hospital 7 times with serious issues and no one can figure out what's wrong with her. Whatever it is, it's serious and life-threatening. My other friend lost her job today and her son found out his house had been sold at auction because his wife took the mortgage money and didn't pay it. These folks are practically family to me...they are closer to me than a great deal of my own family.

I can't believe this. I seriously can't believe this. I get to spend this weekend in funeral homes and cemeteries.

Numb

I'm numb. Incredibly sad and numb.

The one place I really want to be is with my best friend and his family and I can't be there because of everything else going on. I had to tell him today that I couldn't make the trip. It's so hard to hear your best friend sob over the phone and know that the one thing that was really wanted I can't give it to him.

All of this sucks. I feel like I'm suspended in grief and shock. I feel that there's a target on my back and that everyone around me is suffering, too. All of the 'I'm sorry's' and sympathy seems so little for some of this sorrow.

*Sigh*

Two months ago I was pregnant. Scared to death, but happy. It's so hard to believe that all of that is gone. That so much has happened. So much sorrow and grief. Tragic situations that took the lives of several young people.

I have never felt the anger I feel when they show the accused murderer's smiling smarmy-assed mug-shot on television or in the newspaper. I want to reach through whatever form of media I'm looking at and well...it isn't nice. He was only charged with two second-degree murder charges. Just second-degree murder which is because they say he didn't pre-meditate it. REALLY? He's abused them before and you don't think he thought about killing them before now.

I don't buy it. I've been in a very abusive marriage. I know that even though he claimed he didn't mean it, he could utter the words that he hoped I'd die more than once. Matter of fact, the last thing he ever said to me without a court involved was that he didn't care if I lived or died when I pleaded with him to keep his job just a little longer so I could have health insurance while they were testing me for cancer.

So, I don't buy that this prick didn't think about killing Pat.ty and Lan.don before now. He is accused of shooting her and beating his son...writing '911 stay out' in red on the window. I have seen his smirking, smarmy mug shot...not a photo of a guy that is facing murder charges for his own 6 month old son and 21 year old wife.

If convicted, he faces a sentence of anywhere from 10 years to life in prison. Charges of second degree murder do not allege that the crime is premeditated, as is the case with first degree murder. He could only get 10 years. His son will never see 10 years old. 10 years is almost half the age his wife was when she was tragically murdered. Personally, I think he should pay the same price he made his wife and son pay.

A father and grandfather will always have the last memories of his daughter and grandson lying dead, in their own blood, in their own home, with their husband and father sitting there with them. He will never ever be able to erase those horrible images from his head. No parent or grandparent should ever have to go through that.

Yes, I'm angry...this brings out the anger in me. I don't have faith in the justice system. I don't believe that this murderer will ever have the true justice he deserves. I hope to God that the ones he murdered will haunt him for the rest of his miserable life. And yes, I believe that his man that I've met, that I helped during the flood of '09, that just a few brief months ago beamed with pride over his new son, killed his family. I believe he did it. I believe he doesn't feel any guilt about it. I believe he's proved that with the evidence of what was written on the windows and his mug shot.

What kind of a place allows someone that murders their wife and kid to have a minimum of only 10 years?

Yes, I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm grieving. I've learned to never ask, "What's next?'

Another loss.

Well, I had blow number...I lost count.

My best friend's mom passed away today. She's been so ill for a while, but they thought they were going to get to bring her home in a few weeks and care for her at home. I'm not sure I can make it to all of the funerals and memorial services since hers will be 800 miles away. I'm really concerned about my friend, he has never had any huge loss so close to him.

I'm wondering who I pissed off...I know this always happens in threes, but I've lost count at this point. There is so much pain and heartache around me and in my life right now.

Domestic violence claims two lives....

I really don't know what to say. I'm so drained and in a state of shock, I still can't believe it. One of the saddest things in the world, I'm sure this list will grow as the week goes on, is watching a father/grandfather/father-in-law try to come to terms with finding the bodies of his beloved daughter and infant grandson that had been beaten and shot to death by his son-in-law. The husband of the young woman and father of the infant son was there, sitting beside the bodies that he is accused of murdering. He is accused of shooting his wife and beating his son only months after several domestic violence police reports.

The autopsy is being done today, the husband has been charged for the double murder, his smiling, yes smiling, mugshot all over the news.

Two lives cut very short. One in her start of adulthood and the other in the dawn of his childhood. Two families devastated. A community in shock. A father and grandfather that seen things no parent or grandparent should ever have to witness and a realization that it is too late for medical treatment. Family and friends started to gather yesterday as the news came in. So many questions are unanswered. So much love in such a horrible situation.

I have been around alot of death in my life. I've witnessed some horrible things, but this is by far, the worst. I left the house broken and shattered. At the hands of an accused father and husband, two young people lost their lives in a very tragic murder.

Rest in peace Pa.tty and Lan.don. You are loved so much and you will be missed by so many.

Double Murder

I haven't been around for a while. I was going to blog about The Day the Music Died, but when I got home early this afternoon a friend was sitting in my driveway waiting for me to come home.

There was a double murder this morning in the very small town near the college I went to. This is only 30 minutes from me and being such a small rural area, everyone knows everyone.

The victims are a very young lady and her very small infant. The accused that was found inside with the bodies is her husband, also very young.

I know these kids. I know their parents. I know their families and was a part of their life this summer when we were sandbagging and moving people out during the flood. One of the family members works with dad. One of my good friends teaches at the school they went to last year.

I'm on my way to go sit with the family. I'm numb and in shock. My heart has been smashed into millions of pieces in the last few months and this is just too much. We don't know why, there have been no answers, so far, to the questions as to why anyone, especially they young husband would kill his young wife and infant son.

God gained another Angel

Tuesday Fiona Whitt
October 11, 2006-January 30, 2009

This is the first time I have been able to bring myself to blog this. I have been following their story and a few days ago blogged about their bad news.. Please, if you can, go to her family's blog at go blog yourself and send them some love and support. Oh how my heart aches for them.

I will buy you a new life.

It's 4am on a Sunday morning. I'm wore out and wore down. So many things hit me this week. Plus, in the next few coming weeks, I have test results coming back and will have more tests done.

I know a few things while waiting for the next few weeks. I have more new cysts, I have to figure out what I'm going to be doing about this getting pregnant and staying pregnant issue, and something is still causing the infection even after the last month of anti-biotics. Until things are figured out, I have to either go on birth control, which causes way more problems than it prevents and wait for my options. The dreaded H word has popped up into the last few conversations with my doctors. There is growing concern that pregnancy is getting relatively dangerous for me. My blood pressure never dropped below 180/100 the entire time I was pregnant. I had kidney problems, which I won't even go into right now. Top that off with Dilana Harmony not absorbing into my system like she was supposed to after a VTS, which ultimately caused infection and the miscarriage of Thomas Craig.. I'm torn about this one because if she had, I would have never known she was a girl and would have never got to have her cremated.

So I'm wondering if my time for even getting pregnant has come to an end. I fear that the only way I'll ever have children is by adoption and foster care. Which is ok if I had the money and was finished with the dealings with the ex. Love just isn't good enough. We have several adoptions (and children that were adopted out) in the family. I know the ins and outs.

Which brings me to my cousin from hell that has been bitching about being pregnant now that all hell has broke loose in the family. In the midst of the bitching drama today (again, trying to keep from hitting her in the face), I made the suggestion that if she doesn't want the baby, then maybe she should consdier adoption. She actually entertained the idea until her dumb.ass husband walked in and had a fit. Claiming I only made that suggestion because I wanted the baby.

Well, you know what. It may make me a horrible person, but I do want the baby. He/she would still be in the family. Cousin could get out of being the mommy and get what she wants and I would get the baby I want. It isn't going to happen. I know that even with her brief thought process before she was interupted by her other half that she would never give up her child, even if she doesn't want the little one. I will forever be considered the selfish bitch that only thought of myself when bringing up adoption.

I just don't think I can stand to watch another little one be brought into the world to parents that don't want nor love her/him. I can only pray that somehow God will fill her with the love and want that a mother should have. It's hard to believe that there are people in this world that can have babies without even trying and then they do whatever they want to destroy their child's life.

Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that even in the roughest times of my life. What I have been having a really difficult time understanding is why there are so many children in this world that are suffering. Whether it be from poverty, abuse, orphans, parents abandoning or just not loving them, illnesses, torture, or painful deaths. I can handle and in most ways come to terms with what happens to me and adults. I've always been able to do that really well compared to alot of people in my life. My problem is when it comes to the children. It really makes me question my faith and God's will...or whatever higher power that is out there.

My insomnia is worse. Can you tell? I should be doing something instead of obsessing about the drama going on. Well, I should be sleeping, but that isn't going to happen. I was going to work out, but with company in the house, I don't want to wake them up. I miss being pregnant. I miss waking up and feeling my belly knowing that I was finally doing something right. I miss sleeping. I miss feeling good. I miss drama free days and nights. I miss not knowing who I am or where things are going. I want off of this damn rollercoaster. I hate being the one that understands what is going on when something bad happens. Yet, I'm so lucky that I have a home to live in, that I do have people that care, that I have heat, that I don't have that that fresh pain of losing the one I love, and that even though my babies are that I didn't have to watch them suffer in pain while dying only being on this Earth a few brief months. Things could be worse for me...that is all I have to hold onto right now.

So Alex, I'll take 'Buy me a new life for 1000".

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Listening to: Everclear - I Will Buy You A New Life
via FoxyTunes