Busy

I am trying to catch up on blogs, again, or maybe that should be still trying to catch up on blogs.  .  My life has been invaded by illnesses and people dying.  I just haven't had the energy to sit down and get online and when I do, I usually end up falling asleep in the middle of whatever I'm doing.

I hope all of you are well.  I miss reading your blogs regularly and I hope that things settle down for me so I can start back in my blogging routine.

No Escape

I simply cannot escape sickness, death or tragedy. It is all around me, wrapping it's cold, harsh arms and squeezing. I watch those I love struggle to find peace daily. Several have gave up and are praying for mercy to pass peacefully in their sleep. Some are struggling to survive, to find the answer to stay alive. Others are reeling from tragedies in their lives that have completely sunk them.

My family is falling apart and slowly fading away. My friendships are strained because I simply do not have the time or energy to be the friend I used to be and it isn't new, it's been going on for over a year now.

I have learned to enjoy the small things. I've learned to forgive. I've learned that I can't hold the weight of the world on my shoulders and that there are some people that have to grow up and take on the responsibility that is their place, not mine. I've learned that I can't be in two places, or three, or four, at the same time. I am not a superhero. If I was, then Cancer, baby loss, among other things, would simply be defeated.

I sit at the hospital, cancer center, and nursing home daily. I see that this does not just affect me. That strength dwells in those that you would never expect it. Tears fall quietly as the doctors continue to tell us that in several of these cases, that there is simply no more they can do. In two family members, they were diagnosed 6 weeks ago and that was way too late....even though they had physicals within the last 6 months that showed they were in spectacular health. I watch people of ALL ages that I know and some I have just met fight horrible diseases. Some have already lost their fights. Several of them just couldn't fight any longer.

I cry when I'm alone so I don't let those that need me see the tears. They know I'm heartbroken and that the tears are there, but when one tear falls from one's face, it starts a chain reaction. I cry in the restrooms, on the walk to the coffee machine, in the shower, when doing the tasks at the homes that still have to be done, when I'm trying to relax to get ready for bed, and in the mornings when I awake and realize that another day of watching those I love suffer is on the horizon.

We have had last family meals and get-togethers. We have had last family photos that stab me in the heart when I see how much they have failed. We have had those last talks...the ones where you say things you want to say to someone before they die.

I have bonded with one so closely that I have been the one she wants around the most. I am the one she confides in and cries to. I am the one that holds her hand and tells her that whatever she wants, it will be done. I am the one that has been given the greatest gift...a gift I never dreamed of having with her because we never bonded before. I have spent hours over the last two months with her. Many, many hours learning things that no one else knows. When we get that call, it will devastate me. No matter how much I've prepared for losing her, it will break my already broken heart. I simply can't believe how fast this has taken her down.

It doesn't help that this is the baby loss season for me. That from October-January is when I've miscarried my five babies. I still have not dealt with losing my twins last Christmas. I don't know how to deal with that knowing that I am not supposed to get pregnant again due to health issues and that adoption is financially out of the question at this time.

Today is one of those days when I feel so defeated and exhausted because I know I have to go on and be strong, but I have no idea where my strength will come from. I am so tired of loss, pain, and sadness around me. I am so tired of feeling so helpless. I am so exhausted from knowing that the inevitable is coming and that loss will leave a huge hole in my life.

Here I am...

I have been MIA for quite a while. So much stuff going on and I just don't have time to do much on the computer except get on Facebook and check my emails.

Nothing different going on here. Just alot of sickness and preparation for several family member's upcoming deaths. (They were giving no hope and only a few months to live.)

I am still having health problems and I am exhausted all the time. I made a point this week to spend a little more time at home so I could just sleep whenever I fell asleep and even that didn't work.

Anyway, I can't guarantee that I will be around much for the next while. I will try to check in at least once a week if I can. I hope everyone is doing well and I have missed you all and reading your blogs!

Where oh where has my sanity gone?

I have absolutely NOTHING good to blog about so I'll just leave you all with this...

Miscarriage, PCOS, Cancer, murder, Alzheimer's, and domestic violence is something I wish on no one.  This has been one hell of a year and we are on a path where we are going to lose at least one more person before the end of the year.  Possibly more.

Hold your families tight.  Smile instead of hold grudges.  Be thankful for the health and love you have in your life.  Most of all, do something nice for someone and if you believe in something, stand up for it no matter what.

7 Months later and it is still burned in my mind and heart

The murderer pleads guilty today to prevent getting the death penalty.  I have absolutely no words for this...my heart is still shattered and the images, especially of Baby Lan.don's coffin is burned in my head.

Rest in peace Ti.sh and Lan.don....May your loved ones find a way to find peace and comfort in the midst of this horrible tragedy.

Father/Husband pleads guilty to double murder

Sending prayers, joy, and positive thoughts...

To my dear friend Leah over at Crazy Infertile. She and her husband recently got their son (through adoption) and she is due to go in this morning for a C-Section to bring her precious daughter into the world whom is breech.

I'm sending all the prayers, positive thoughts, strength, and love I can her way today as she, her husband, and their son add another precious gift to their family. Please say a prayer that it is an easy birth and that mother and daughter are both ok and healthy.

A continuance of yesterday's blog.

So, I've read that article a thousand times it seems...the date is set in 1970, but the reason it's been brought to the front was because of some things going on related to the case. (It's 1am, my brain is tired, and I'm too lazy to explore this further at the moment.)

The sad thing is that this is STILL happening in this world. Whether it be religion or sexuality or looks, discrimination against prospective adopting parents is STILL happening.

I'm still fucking outraged over the fact that someone thinks they are so high and mighty that they have the ability to judge a loving family that WANTS to love and raise a child.

All I have to say to anyone that thinks it's ok to judge someone...someone that isn't like you, but is willing to adopt and raise a child unconditionally...to give a child a safe, loving, stable home...

FUCK YOU AND THE HIGH HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!

Adoption is looking like the ONLY option for me and that is one that will have to happen a long time down this road because I am just not financially stable and until we figure out the medical issues, I am not willing to bring a child into my life without making sure that things are ok. I was raised in an environment where I had sick parents and grandparents. Illness and death is something I've known since I was a really small child so I want to make sure I'm ok before I start the adoption process. I'm just really upset that there are still people in this world that feel it's ok to judge and to deny a child love because he/she doesn't like a person's religion, sexuality, race, looks, etc.

It happens more than we realize...I just don't understand how a world could look the other way when there are so many children that need a loving, stable, safe home. Are we that numb and used to just turning the other cheek because we don't want to get involved and DEMAND what's right for these kids that have no one to stand up for them? When what's more important news is what some rich party girl is wearing or doing or why some celebrity died than putting the harsh truth that there are children that are starving, doing without, and have no one to tuck them in at night and tell them that they are loved more than life itself and that there are people that are denying these precious kids LOVE because the parents wanting to adopt are different in some way...

Where does the discrimination stop and why are precious children paying for it?

The Law: Can Atheists Be Parents?

The Law: Can Atheists Be Parents?

Sickening...Denying children a loving home over religion.

I believe in God, but I also believe that in this world of so many children without parents and so many parents without children that if the parent/s can provide a loving, safe, stable home, then who the hell are we to judge their religion (or sexual preference.) What's next...denying adoptions to people that have had multiple miscarriages or who have been divorced. How far have we come as a nation to allow a child to be taken out of a loving home over religious discrimination?

I'm outraged. Absolutely outraged over this. I may be the only one that is outraged, but I know many people, including myself, that are dealing with infertility and the fact that adoption may our ONLY chance at being parents.

NO CHILD SHOULD BE DENIED A LOVING, STABLE, SAFE HOME BECAUSE A PARENT'S RELIGION (OR LACK THEREOF) DOES NOT SUIT SOMEONE IN THE SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Journey

This is a road I do NOT want to be on. The bumpy, windy road that have cliffs on both sides with no railing, no signs, and no one knows where or how it will end. It's dark, stormy and scary. There are moments that I'm so alone and moments that I'm desperately clutching my loved ones. There are no brakes and there is no way to stop this journey. There are moments that a brief light shines in and there are sparks of home, but nothing takes away this gut-wrenching knot in the pit of my stomach. The pain so deep that it goes right through me. My shattered heart still beats, though I'm not sure why or how it could survive the many times it's been broken. My body aches as the emotional pain has to have another outlet besides the tears and sadness.

I have not breathed in months. I have been in deep mourning. One horrible tragic thing after another. I have cried so much that there are moments when more bad, shocking news hits that I have no tears on the outside. I have been torn down, trying to fight my way back. I am dealing with certain health issues that they are still unsure of what they are. Undiagnosed, exhausted and broken in my body and soul.

I have had to put aside my anger and issues with certain family members because I have three people in my family that are terminally ill or dying. I have to be civil because I know that I've been in their position of losing a parent or child. I have not dismissed the cruelty they have shown me in the last year, but they are on a road I have been familiar with since I was a child. They are lost and scared, as am I, but they have never been in this particular position before. Denial and anger is so rampant around me that it scares me. Denial and anger are associated with the unwillingness to be well-informed of choices and options and leads to being totally blind in the real complete picture.

There are days I do well...almost human. There are moments I feel like I'm going to conquer the world. Then there are days like today where all I see and feel is pain and sadness. Reality sucks. Watching people you love suffer and die sucks. Watching people suffer because of some ignorant violent murderer sucks. Feeling completely helpless while providing as much support as I can...sucks.

The reason I am still able to live in a world with babies...

I was thinking a few days ago as I was holding the newest addition to my extended family of how I could possibly be able to live in a world where everywhere I look there is a baby or a child that is the age that one of my angel babies would be. Earlier I received a comment regarding being able to cheer on expecting moms. So I figured now would be a good time to write this blog.

In the midst of all of the sadness and tragic stories about loss, there is one thing that has kept me from running and hiding in a hole for the rest of my life. One thing that keeps me from throwing up my arms and exclaiming that I'm done trying to conceive. One thing that keeps me from completely allowing the grief to overwhelm me every second. There is one thing that keeps me from slapping the ignorant people out in the world that just doesn't understand that even though my babies are angels and weren't carried to term or born crying before being placed in my arms that I am STILL a mother that has to stay in the shadows because so many people have so many questions, looks, and opinions that usually hit me the wrong way. That one thing is...

THE SUCCESS STORIES OF THOSE THAT ARE FIGHTING IF AND WINNING!

When I read that someone has successfully carried and birthed their baby or that their adoption has went through....it brings that tiny ounce of hope to me that makes me think that someday, someway, I'll have a baby or child of my own to watch grow and nurture.

That is what makes me go back and cheer on those fellow folks in the land of IF. That is what makes me smile when I hear good news, that someone is getting their miracle baby or their miracle child. That makes me find some hope in that I may find a way through this horrible journey.

There are days I can't face it and be a cheerleader, but I am glad that being able to support and cheer on expecting moms helps me more than knocking me down. Yes, it IS a double edge sword that can make one feel both emotions at the same time. I would be miserable all of the time if I allowed it to affect me negatively every moment I am exposed to expecting parents, new babies, toddlers, and children.

So to those of you that are expecting your baby or child, thank you for giving me hope. I wish you all the best in the world and am so glad that you are finding the happiness and joy you've been so desperately trying to find.

In Limbo

It sucks, too.

I'm not a mother of any live children. My babies are dead. I get told all the time by people that know and don't know about my miscarriages that I'm not a parent and that I don't understand about being a parent. I bite my tongue because it usually ends up in not-so-nice words instead of screaming, "I am a mother! Just because you don't see my babies, doesn't mean I'm not!"

It has caused major issues with my friends, whom are all parents of live babies. A few have had the devastation of losing a baby, but most have no issues conceiving or carrying their babies. All events include their parent friends...there is nothing, including my birthday that is just me and them. Most events have the children involved and when I'm having a bad time dealing with facing the world where there is an abundance of babies, I get the guilt trip.

I've tried to explain. I need time to be with them without their kids and without the other parents that I don't know. I need time to be with my friends without the guilt trips and without feeling like I've lost more than just my babies. I'd like to say that it has just happened with the people that know, but it happens with those that don't know, too.

I don't know what's worse...being told that I'm not a mother (or that my babies weren't really alive long enough to count myself as one) or that I'm not part of the parent filled groups.

I was at the hospital a few weeks back after someone had their baby and I was ok until I went to leave and the remark was made that I'll be there someday soon. I lost it as I was walking out of the labor, delivery, and nursery area. It seems that it should be so easy to have a baby, but it isn't...at least not for me.

I hate this feeling of no longer belonging. I hate this feeling that my friends have moved on into parenthood without me. I hate being told that just because my babies aren't living, that I'm NOT a parent. I'm not married, so I get the 'look' when I talk about trying to conceive and IF. I'm not financially stable enough to adopt since it seems that conceiving and carrying to term is impossible and at the moment, suggested against by my doctors.

I hate being in this land of IF...

Books

I'm looking for a list of good books on infertility, PCOS, etc. Not that it will help to read up on it. I just want to know why I can't carry my babies to term and if there is any hope for me to have a child biologically or if adoption is my only option.

I've already ordered the one by Melissa Ford.

So anyone with any suggestions, please let me know. I know several of you have had multiple miscarriages and have PCOS and some of you have started to deal with infertility doctors and I know that you know more than I do about that road.

This week has been one of the hardest of my life. Monday was my due date and there has been so much drama and crap going on here that every day was a harder hit to me. I'm barely holding on, but I know that I can't change the past...only the future.

I know the reality of me having my own baby biologically is next to none at this point since I've been told to not even attempt to get pregnant again until I see a RE and have tests run. I hemorrhaged so bad with the miscarriage in December that it was bad...not to mention the cysts, infections, and other swell stuff that I've been dealing with since. However, I'm open to learning and researching of what I need to do, ask, and seek. It's all I can do besides allowing the grief to overwhelm me and wanting to crawl in a hole and stay there.

So I'm asking for help...seeking advice and hoping that somehow and someway I can find an answer to why...

Due date

Today is my twin's due date, but I won't be bringing them home or holding them. I won't get to hear their first cries.

Every where I looked there was something about babies, twins, babies dying, or expectant moms. I had to pick movies after I spent time trying to find something to watch that didn't have anything to do with babies.

Today was different than the three other due dates...it isn't just about the day my babies were due, it's also a haunting reminder that we still don't know what's wrong with me and why I can't carry to term. There have been health issues related to this, but none of them should have caused me to miscarry every time I get pregnant. I've been advised to not get pregnant again since I had some pretty major issues when I lost the twins.

I miss you, Tho.mas Cra.ig. and Dil.ana Har.mony. I love you both so much and would give anything to have you both healthy and in my arms tonight.

Happy Belated Birthday Cara!

I just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. I hope you got everything you desired and wanted and your day was filled with peace, love, and happiness.

Thank you for everything you do. You are an angel!

I am here and very tired.

I feel like I've been offline for months. I'm having some pretty serious computer issues, like having to actually find a new one. I still haven't found one yet.

Things here have been crazy. The twin's due date is coming up on Monday. I'm dreading that day.

For now, I'm exhausted and have not a whole lot to say. I will be back soon to type a better blog. Hopefully, complete with pictures.

What's the point?

I bought a new phone because my other one was several years old and finally got to the point where it would not work. This snazzy phone wasn't too expensive, but it does have a camera, the ability to download ringtones and apps, can record voice memos, and has a bigger memory for everything. Now keep in mind, I searched my cell phone company's site before I bought this to make sure the camera would work and I could send pic messages. Even with my pay-as-you-go plan, the website says that I can and it gives the cost. Getting the phone was not easy because the saleswoman was a world class snot. My family have been with this company for well over 10 years and have paid thousands of dollars for their phones and services. She couldn't even get my 100+ contact list to transfer (which means I had to do it by hand when I got home.)

I get it home and play with it, thrilled that I have a new phone that actually works and that I can actually do cool things with and after taking some really cute pictures, I try to send them. I get error after error.

Finally, I call customer service and the woman tells me that they do not offer pic texting at this time.

What? That isn't what the website says! Why would you sell me a phone that I can't use most of the cool features on? Why would your website tell me how much it costs for my plan to send pic messages? How the hell am I going to get these pics off my phone! I can't transfer them from phone to computer and I can't send them.

Why did you sell me a phone when I made it very clear that I was thrilled to be able to send pics with it when you KNEW that I can't send pics at all or transfer them to any other device? Not to mention the fact that I was thrilled that I could FINALLY download apps and ringtones, which I can't do! Or how about the fact that I put close to a $100 on my account so I could have money to do the above..stating that's why I was putting that much money on it. Oh and how about when someone else sends me a pic, I have to go online to get it...when it could come straight to my phone so I can view it!

My phone has been my lifeline the last 8 months. I seriously can't believe that something so simple turned into a pain in my butt.

Just because...

Just because there isn't a child in my arms doesn't mean there aren't any in my heart...
Just because there won't be a baby shower, doesn't mean I haven't had my babies.
Just because there is no living child calling me mommy doesn't mean that I'm not one.
Just because you don't know that I have Angel Babies, doesn't mean that I don't.
Just because you fail to include my babies that are in heaven, that you never met, doesn't mean they didn't exist. They do.
Just because you wish to not recognize the fact that your own flesh and blood has had losses greater than most people can even imagine, does not mean that I feel the same way.
Just because you didn't carry them or hear their heartbeats or get the BFP or have that one little ray of hope doesn't mean that I didn't.
Just because you don't see me cry or feel my pain and heartache, doesn't mean that I don't cry or have a broken heart.
Just because your kids are alive doesn't mean that I don't care or that I don't love them as much as I always have.
Just because I'm human and I AM a mother DOES mean that it hurts when I hear that someone is pregnant, that someone has had a baby, that someone has that one thing that I want but may never have and it sucks like hell when someone does something to a child because they don't love him or her or don't want it.

Why am I saying this? Because this weekend sucks...the next month or so is going to suck...and I HAVE to look into the eyes of children that are the ages of my angel babies and I HAVE to look into the eyes of family of kids that have been horribly abused or murdered and know that even though it sucks for me...it could be worse for me.

My love for my babies will always be there...even if I can never hold them in my arms. In the midst of my pain, I will always know that there are some people in my life that will never hold their babies again and that they were taken way too early because of murderers that have no love for a human life, including their own flesh and blood and someone they 'claim' to love.

Coming to terms and other thoughts...

I have spent the better part of this month planning baby showers (obviously not my own), birthday parties, helping plan benefits/fundraisers, sending off several family members that are on their way to Iraq, and trying to come to terms with everything that has went on.

I just haven't had it in me to blog. I've lost my focus and really haven't felt the need to inflict myself on anyone. I am starting to read blogs again, though, so maybe I can't get out of my funk and write again.

2009 has sucked big time and has tanked me in so many ways. Every day has felt like a lifetime this year.

Thank you to those of you that have sent me messages asking me how I am. I'm sorry I have been slacking in communicating. I think of all of you often, even when I'm not here.

April Fool's (I wish, oh how I wish)

I got bombed again...

My best friend was acting strange tonight when we were talking and finally I asked him what was going on. He blurted out that him and his wife are pregnant. I asked if it was an April Fool's joke and he said she was serious when she told him. Great. Congratulations. All I know is that this better not be an April Fool's joke because it is not funny if it is.

Any other time I would throwing parties and thrilled to pieces...tonight I feel as if someone shoved a knife through me. This changes everything.

I feel horrible for feeling like this. This is my best friend and I am happy for him. I also soo jealous and I know that there is no way I can be in their life now. He has been the only one that knows everything and our friendship was perfect.

Was...until tonight.

I have always been able to suck it up and be there for my friends, especially my best friends. This is the first time that I have had to drop to my knees and say uncle. I can't do this. I can't be the happy, supportive, shoulder-giving friend I need to be.

I choked back the tears as I told him how happy I am for them. I am happy for them, but my grief outpowers that happiness by a landslide. I know he knows that something was wrong when we hung up, but I couldn't form the words to tell him even if I knew what to say. I am not sure he would really understand even if I did have the right words to tell him how I really feel.

It should change nothing, but for me it changes everything. The one person that knows how much I am hurting and has been my voice of reason is having the one thing in the world that I want and can't have and I don't have it in me to be along for the ride as a friend. Everyone else in my life that is pregnant or has just had a baby hits a nerve, but nothing like this. I'm not sure if it is because it was pure surprise or if it was because this is someone that I talk with almost daily and I can't bear the thought of hearing baby updates. I'm not sure it matters.

2009 has been nothing more than a cruel joke. Now I feel like total crap for feeling this way and total crap for allowing my grief to change this friendship.

Still alive

I think I'm still alive. I've been lucky to get out of bed on the days I don't have the kids I am taking care of since the murders. Some days it is so hard for me to even allow myself to open my eyes and put my feet on the ground. My heart is broken, my hope is gone, my faith is shattered and every moment awake and asleep is flooded with memories...some that are so painful that I wish I could just turn them off.

I have known grief my entire life, but I have never felt like this. I have never been so broken where it took my breath away every time I allow myself my to think about the last few months and to think about the months ahead. June is two and half months away...I should be pregnant, my belly round, my hormones raging, my nursery overflowing with clothes and furniture and it isn't....

This fucking hurts....

I'm watching several people around me get closer to their due dates. Baby showers, baby gifts, and I am supposed to be thrilled that there are new additions coming into our families. I'm thrilled and so very bitter...I don't get a shower. I don't get to make those final plans before delivery. I don't get to hold my bundles of joy that I've ached for so long to have. All I have is this urn...full of ashes and the pain that goes along with it.

I never wanted to be bitter or so lost without hope and faith. I swore that nothing, after everything I had been through, wouldn't take that away from me.

I miss you all...I've missed reading your blogs and being a part of your lives. You are still in my thoughts and prayers and I have not forgot any of you.

Another Bomb

I'm still here, attempting to find my way through all of this grief, Everyone around me is fighting. I've been trying to get up and get out...even thought it's difficult to get out of bed.

Then we had another bomb. Another double murder. This time two people I went to school with and have known most of my life. Two children left behind without their mother. Another domestic violence murder...restraining orders against the accused.

My mind is swimming, my heart is shattered. I can't understand why so much death is around me. I can't understand why children are suffering because of murderous, violent men.

I have to find the strength to go through this again. My friends need me, these children need to know that they are surrounded by love in this cruel world.

I know I need to do alot of catch up with blogs and I will. I just haven't had it in me to read and comment.

Grief

Things are spiraling out of control so fast, I don't even know where to begin.

I will start with the most recent thing going on. I talked to my best friend earlier. We've really had no chance to talk ove rhte last few weeks since he lost his mom, but we finally got to talk for a bit. I feel so helpless being so far away and being 'the only one that understands what he's going through' person he can actually let his emotions out. His family is great, but they just don't get what it's like to lose a mom, much less a parent. So, I'm the only one in his life that really knows how he feels...mainly because I know him so well and know what works and what doesn't when listening and being there for him.

I am angry that some of his family is trying to push anti-depressants on him without allowing him to feel his pain and grieve. Don't get me wrong, I think they are wonderful, but I know that most doctors overprescribe and the patient ends up being a zombie or they actually do work, and like me while trying to get off have the hardest time getting off of them. I suggested grief counseling and support groups...for all of his family and finding someone that he trusts will be neutral and give him good advice to talk to. I also suggested that because he does have kids that need him that he set aside a certain amount of time a day and make it his grieving time. Whether it be in the shower or the car (although I don't suggest that because it is dangerous) or just taking a long walk...you know that you will have that time to cry, scream, hit the walls, beat the pillows, or just talk/write it out.

We all grieve in our own ways. No one way is wrong. Each of us have to find our own path and we have to find our own way through this painful path. It is a never-ending road that gets easier as time passes, but even decades from now, the pain will be so fresh and hit so fast before it fades away as sudden as it came (although at the time it feels like an eternity while going through that wave of grief).

My heart breaks for him because I know this is just the beginning and that being so far away I can't actually hug him or tell him face to face that things will get better. It sucks to watch a dear friend hurt so bad and no you can't do anything to fix that pain.


On a side note, I went to the doctor on Wednesday. Lots of tests, lots of waiting, will be more tests next week, and since I have a horrible case of the flu, a possible hossible stay for fluids if I don't feel better in 24 hours or so. Things don't look great on the test front, though. I kept getting weird looks from ultrasound girl, catscan guy, and blood drawing chick. Of course, they could have just been afraid that I was going to projectile vomit any moment...I'm known for that. Which is a bad thing. When I get the stomach flu (or any other type thing that causes vomiting), I do it well.

I did write a long journal entry of what happened earlier Wednesday morning while I was in the doctor's office the other day. I may type it up and post it...

Just when i was feeling alone and hopeless...another bloom.

I miss being pregnant. I miss my babies. Through all of the loss and pain, the newest bloom brings me a smile.

Lost

I've lost my way.

I have been sitting here talking to a friend of mine. She told me I am strong. I don't believe her. I have had to ask people NOT to hug me over the last few weeks. I've had to walk out of a room when the topic of babies, pregnancy, or marriage came up. I've had to go against who I am because I'm so afraid that if someone touches me or says the wrong thing that I'll shatter and completely fall apart.

I have no husband any more. I had a boyfriend that I had to walk away from because I needed him and he went to help friends redo their home in two states away.

I have 5 Angel babies. Most people in my life don't know about any of them and some only know about a couple. There are only 3 people in my life that know about all of them, besides here.

There is something wrong with me. I am in an area where the doctors and hospitals suck. I have no insurance and am in big-time debt with my health bills.

I am coming to the realization that no matter what I do, I may never have a partner or a baby.

My career is hanging by a thread. I know it, but I can't do shit about it because my health and sanity is more important right now.

This wasn't how my life was supposed to be when I begin my 30s. This wasn't my plan or goals for my life.

I'm absolutely terrified. My faith is being tested. My strength is being tested. My love is being tested. My body is being tested. Everything in my life is hanging by a thread and I see the scissors coming at it.

My friends that lost their stillborn baby boy are in complete denial. They won't even acknoledge their loss. It's almost as if he never existed. I"ve brought up support systems, couseling for them and their daughter, blogging anonymously so they can just get their feelings out without having anyone there to comment. Their little girl is asking about the baby constantly, not understanding the loss or the graveside service for him and they ignore her. I've reached out and I respect they don't want it, but I'm so concerned at how unhealthy it is to try to pretend none of this happened.

Denial and grief sucks.

Another day.

More deaths. A friend's baby was stillborn a few days ago.

I got bad news back from my doctor. Going in on Wednesday for more tests. My blood counts are crazy high and my pap smear showed abnormal cells. I sill have that infection that no antibiotics are touching. I don't know what's going on, neither does my doctor, but I really wish they'd figure it out.

I'm broken and shattered. The last few months have destroyed me. I have to make myself get out of bed and to eat. Yet, I can't sleep, either. I stopped reading the local papers and watching the local news. The double murder is plastered everywhere. Everyone has their opinions about it...most not knowing I know the family.

I can't get the damned baby's casket out of my mind. I can't get the sobs of that day out of my head. I see my twins' urn and I sob. People that don't know I lost them walk up to me and ask me about them. They mean well, but it is just one more punch to my gut. Everything is so raw. My emotions are on edge. I don't know how to make any of this better.

I've lost 9 people in two months.

One of my best friends lost his mom. I haven't been able to have a real conversation for weeks with him. I feel that on top of everything, I've lost him, too. Things have changed so fast for both of us and I am not in a place to be the emotional rock he needs just as he isn't able to be the rock I need.

This all sucks...I feel so lost and alone.

Blooms

I planted this Amaryllis on the day after Christmas shortly after I came home after the twins were born. It was supposed to take 6 weeks to bloom and I had almost lost it several times because it was so cold here and little sunlight. I looked last night at it and and saw that it was so close to blooming, yet the blooms were hanging towards the ground like it just wasn't going to bloom and die instead. I cried and cried because that was something I had done in order to remember my babies that I will never get to watch grow or bloom into beautiful people.

In the midst of so much darkness, death, illness, and so much sadness, it bloomed today. I came home after being out all day. I had a horrible headache and was exhausted. I looked up and there it was in all of it's glory during the sunset. A wave of peace washed over me as I looked at it. I just had to capture it.
















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Listening to: Rocco Deluca and The Burden - Gift
via FoxyTunes

Honest Scrap

Thank you Cara for tagging me.

The rules:

A) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

B) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

C) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 honest things about me:
1) Most people think I'm the only child, but I'm the youngest.
2) I have an older brother that has been an angel since the day he was born and that is two years older than I am.

3) I have an unnatural obsession with my music. I can't explain it, but just about every song I listen to, I can tell you where I was when I first heard it, but I can't freaking remember people's names to save my life.

4) I have a group of online friends that are closer to me than most of my family.
5) I melt if someone rubs my feet or my back, even though I'm ticklish.
6) I have played gigs and jam sessions with some famous musicians. Several are now deceased.
7) I have had baby names and what the nursery will look like picked out since I was 18.
8 ) My bucket list is getting longer and longer.(Ok, so I'm swiping this one from Cara.)

9) I HATE it when people lie or find the need to be fake.

10) It took me a LONG LONG time to learn how to say NO to people and not feel guilty for doing so. There are certain ones in my life that just can't accept the fact that I wasn't put on this Earth to be at their every whim and be who they want me to be.

Since I feel like crap and am too lazy to look through blogs, if you read my blog and haven't done this, then I tag YOU. :)

I'm so damned frustrated right now...

Ok, I'm frustrated. Really fucking frustrated to tears. I minored in computers. I used to be able to design web pages, etc blindfolded...I can't do it that easy now because I don't do it daily, but I still know how to do it.

I've been home for a while, reading blogs and boards. Trying hard to take my mind off of everything that's going on. I was trying to upload photos from my camera so I could share them with friends and family at one of the boards I am a member of. I can't get shit off of my camera. The computer and the card are having issues with each other. I am supposed to help design and put together some things for a benefit for the family of the double murders. Everything that is printed, etc plus the music list is supposed to come from me. Not only can't I get my printer to work, I can't access my music and my graphic programs. So then I came here to blog...I wanted to do a post that I was tagged for plus a that I wanted to start on Mondays to make this blog my own. I can't get any photos or videos to upload on here...at fucking all. I tried on the old mac I have and can't any photots to upload onto my posts from there, either.

So for tonight I give up. I will be back to blogland later today. I will comment and maybe somehow figure out why I can't put my photos in my blog...The camera and printer issues will be figured out when I actually can see to read the manuals. I'm sure it's something stupid like resetting something or the like, I just can't see through the tears to fool with it tonight. I don't know what the deal is with why I can't insert photos in my posts here.

Think before you speak.

Never ever look at a woman that was pregnant the last time you saw her and say, "Shouldn't you be showing more than that at 22 weeks with twins?"

I lost it. Seriously lost it in the middle of this meal that we had prepared for the families. A place that I didn't want to lose it. A place that wasn't for my personal grief. I wasn't angry by any means, I know most people didn't know I was pregnant and there are a few that did that didn't get the memo filled with the gossip about the woman that had lost her 4th and 5th children. It felt like someone had punched me in the gut and took away all of the strength I had been desperately clinging to in order to get me through this. My knees buckled, I felt the room spinning and if it hadn't been for a few friends beside me, I would have went completely down. They spoke for me, remarking I lost the twins and that I had been through complete and utter hell over the last few weeks on top of the loss of my babies and the health issues.

I feel horrible that the parents that had just buried their little girl and infant grandson was hugging me telling me it was ok.

No, it isn't ok. None of this is ok. So much of this should have never happened. Senseless fucking tragedies.

Visitation

The most heartbreaking thing in the world is an infant's coffin along side his 21 year old mother's coffin.

I had to come home for a bit to grab some things because a bunch of us are putting together a dinner for the family and friends that go to the double funeral tomorrow. We need to get everything started tonight because I honestly don't know how any of us will be able to cook that much food in the morning. I get to do this again tomorrow night for my cousin's visitation and funeral after I leave the dinner at the church.

While I was there, I found out that one of my favorite college professors had passed two days after Christmas.

God, please give me the strength to get through all of this and please give this family comfort in their losses.

Thank you to everyone that has been here for me. I simply could not do this if it weren't for the love pouring out from my friends and family.

Yet another death

Hell continues.

One of my cousins past away last night. He was a neighbor. I grew up with his kids. He's around my mom's age, but we were all so close it didn't matter that he was a 3rd cousin to me.

With more bad news from two friends. One has a daughter that is 23 and has two babies (one a newborn) and she has been in the hospital 7 times with serious issues and no one can figure out what's wrong with her. Whatever it is, it's serious and life-threatening. My other friend lost her job today and her son found out his house had been sold at auction because his wife took the mortgage money and didn't pay it. These folks are practically family to me...they are closer to me than a great deal of my own family.

I can't believe this. I seriously can't believe this. I get to spend this weekend in funeral homes and cemeteries.

Numb

I'm numb. Incredibly sad and numb.

The one place I really want to be is with my best friend and his family and I can't be there because of everything else going on. I had to tell him today that I couldn't make the trip. It's so hard to hear your best friend sob over the phone and know that the one thing that was really wanted I can't give it to him.

All of this sucks. I feel like I'm suspended in grief and shock. I feel that there's a target on my back and that everyone around me is suffering, too. All of the 'I'm sorry's' and sympathy seems so little for some of this sorrow.

*Sigh*

Two months ago I was pregnant. Scared to death, but happy. It's so hard to believe that all of that is gone. That so much has happened. So much sorrow and grief. Tragic situations that took the lives of several young people.

I have never felt the anger I feel when they show the accused murderer's smiling smarmy-assed mug-shot on television or in the newspaper. I want to reach through whatever form of media I'm looking at and well...it isn't nice. He was only charged with two second-degree murder charges. Just second-degree murder which is because they say he didn't pre-meditate it. REALLY? He's abused them before and you don't think he thought about killing them before now.

I don't buy it. I've been in a very abusive marriage. I know that even though he claimed he didn't mean it, he could utter the words that he hoped I'd die more than once. Matter of fact, the last thing he ever said to me without a court involved was that he didn't care if I lived or died when I pleaded with him to keep his job just a little longer so I could have health insurance while they were testing me for cancer.

So, I don't buy that this prick didn't think about killing Pat.ty and Lan.don before now. He is accused of shooting her and beating his son...writing '911 stay out' in red on the window. I have seen his smirking, smarmy mug shot...not a photo of a guy that is facing murder charges for his own 6 month old son and 21 year old wife.

If convicted, he faces a sentence of anywhere from 10 years to life in prison. Charges of second degree murder do not allege that the crime is premeditated, as is the case with first degree murder. He could only get 10 years. His son will never see 10 years old. 10 years is almost half the age his wife was when she was tragically murdered. Personally, I think he should pay the same price he made his wife and son pay.

A father and grandfather will always have the last memories of his daughter and grandson lying dead, in their own blood, in their own home, with their husband and father sitting there with them. He will never ever be able to erase those horrible images from his head. No parent or grandparent should ever have to go through that.

Yes, I'm angry...this brings out the anger in me. I don't have faith in the justice system. I don't believe that this murderer will ever have the true justice he deserves. I hope to God that the ones he murdered will haunt him for the rest of his miserable life. And yes, I believe that his man that I've met, that I helped during the flood of '09, that just a few brief months ago beamed with pride over his new son, killed his family. I believe he did it. I believe he doesn't feel any guilt about it. I believe he's proved that with the evidence of what was written on the windows and his mug shot.

What kind of a place allows someone that murders their wife and kid to have a minimum of only 10 years?

Yes, I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm grieving. I've learned to never ask, "What's next?'

Another loss.

Well, I had blow number...I lost count.

My best friend's mom passed away today. She's been so ill for a while, but they thought they were going to get to bring her home in a few weeks and care for her at home. I'm not sure I can make it to all of the funerals and memorial services since hers will be 800 miles away. I'm really concerned about my friend, he has never had any huge loss so close to him.

I'm wondering who I pissed off...I know this always happens in threes, but I've lost count at this point. There is so much pain and heartache around me and in my life right now.

Domestic violence claims two lives....

I really don't know what to say. I'm so drained and in a state of shock, I still can't believe it. One of the saddest things in the world, I'm sure this list will grow as the week goes on, is watching a father/grandfather/father-in-law try to come to terms with finding the bodies of his beloved daughter and infant grandson that had been beaten and shot to death by his son-in-law. The husband of the young woman and father of the infant son was there, sitting beside the bodies that he is accused of murdering. He is accused of shooting his wife and beating his son only months after several domestic violence police reports.

The autopsy is being done today, the husband has been charged for the double murder, his smiling, yes smiling, mugshot all over the news.

Two lives cut very short. One in her start of adulthood and the other in the dawn of his childhood. Two families devastated. A community in shock. A father and grandfather that seen things no parent or grandparent should ever have to witness and a realization that it is too late for medical treatment. Family and friends started to gather yesterday as the news came in. So many questions are unanswered. So much love in such a horrible situation.

I have been around alot of death in my life. I've witnessed some horrible things, but this is by far, the worst. I left the house broken and shattered. At the hands of an accused father and husband, two young people lost their lives in a very tragic murder.

Rest in peace Pa.tty and Lan.don. You are loved so much and you will be missed by so many.

Double Murder

I haven't been around for a while. I was going to blog about The Day the Music Died, but when I got home early this afternoon a friend was sitting in my driveway waiting for me to come home.

There was a double murder this morning in the very small town near the college I went to. This is only 30 minutes from me and being such a small rural area, everyone knows everyone.

The victims are a very young lady and her very small infant. The accused that was found inside with the bodies is her husband, also very young.

I know these kids. I know their parents. I know their families and was a part of their life this summer when we were sandbagging and moving people out during the flood. One of the family members works with dad. One of my good friends teaches at the school they went to last year.

I'm on my way to go sit with the family. I'm numb and in shock. My heart has been smashed into millions of pieces in the last few months and this is just too much. We don't know why, there have been no answers, so far, to the questions as to why anyone, especially they young husband would kill his young wife and infant son.

God gained another Angel

Tuesday Fiona Whitt
October 11, 2006-January 30, 2009

This is the first time I have been able to bring myself to blog this. I have been following their story and a few days ago blogged about their bad news.. Please, if you can, go to her family's blog at go blog yourself and send them some love and support. Oh how my heart aches for them.

I will buy you a new life.

It's 4am on a Sunday morning. I'm wore out and wore down. So many things hit me this week. Plus, in the next few coming weeks, I have test results coming back and will have more tests done.

I know a few things while waiting for the next few weeks. I have more new cysts, I have to figure out what I'm going to be doing about this getting pregnant and staying pregnant issue, and something is still causing the infection even after the last month of anti-biotics. Until things are figured out, I have to either go on birth control, which causes way more problems than it prevents and wait for my options. The dreaded H word has popped up into the last few conversations with my doctors. There is growing concern that pregnancy is getting relatively dangerous for me. My blood pressure never dropped below 180/100 the entire time I was pregnant. I had kidney problems, which I won't even go into right now. Top that off with Dilana Harmony not absorbing into my system like she was supposed to after a VTS, which ultimately caused infection and the miscarriage of Thomas Craig.. I'm torn about this one because if she had, I would have never known she was a girl and would have never got to have her cremated.

So I'm wondering if my time for even getting pregnant has come to an end. I fear that the only way I'll ever have children is by adoption and foster care. Which is ok if I had the money and was finished with the dealings with the ex. Love just isn't good enough. We have several adoptions (and children that were adopted out) in the family. I know the ins and outs.

Which brings me to my cousin from hell that has been bitching about being pregnant now that all hell has broke loose in the family. In the midst of the bitching drama today (again, trying to keep from hitting her in the face), I made the suggestion that if she doesn't want the baby, then maybe she should consdier adoption. She actually entertained the idea until her dumb.ass husband walked in and had a fit. Claiming I only made that suggestion because I wanted the baby.

Well, you know what. It may make me a horrible person, but I do want the baby. He/she would still be in the family. Cousin could get out of being the mommy and get what she wants and I would get the baby I want. It isn't going to happen. I know that even with her brief thought process before she was interupted by her other half that she would never give up her child, even if she doesn't want the little one. I will forever be considered the selfish bitch that only thought of myself when bringing up adoption.

I just don't think I can stand to watch another little one be brought into the world to parents that don't want nor love her/him. I can only pray that somehow God will fill her with the love and want that a mother should have. It's hard to believe that there are people in this world that can have babies without even trying and then they do whatever they want to destroy their child's life.

Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that even in the roughest times of my life. What I have been having a really difficult time understanding is why there are so many children in this world that are suffering. Whether it be from poverty, abuse, orphans, parents abandoning or just not loving them, illnesses, torture, or painful deaths. I can handle and in most ways come to terms with what happens to me and adults. I've always been able to do that really well compared to alot of people in my life. My problem is when it comes to the children. It really makes me question my faith and God's will...or whatever higher power that is out there.

My insomnia is worse. Can you tell? I should be doing something instead of obsessing about the drama going on. Well, I should be sleeping, but that isn't going to happen. I was going to work out, but with company in the house, I don't want to wake them up. I miss being pregnant. I miss waking up and feeling my belly knowing that I was finally doing something right. I miss sleeping. I miss feeling good. I miss drama free days and nights. I miss not knowing who I am or where things are going. I want off of this damn rollercoaster. I hate being the one that understands what is going on when something bad happens. Yet, I'm so lucky that I have a home to live in, that I do have people that care, that I have heat, that I don't have that that fresh pain of losing the one I love, and that even though my babies are that I didn't have to watch them suffer in pain while dying only being on this Earth a few brief months. Things could be worse for me...that is all I have to hold onto right now.

So Alex, I'll take 'Buy me a new life for 1000".

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Listening to: Everclear - I Will Buy You A New Life
via FoxyTunes

Rough week

I really don't know what to say. I feel all talked out. It looks like next week or so we'll be helping my cousin move. He's been here for a few days. I'm the only one that allows him to talk at his own will. I don't ask any major questions and I've been making him 'light' food so he'll eat because I know he won't if I didn't make it and put it in front of him.

Apparently his wife has been cheating on him since before they were married. They've been together 2 1/2 years, living together for the bigger part of it and married for several months of it. She wanted a new house and a baby and has been shacking up with some guy that has kids by his ex-wife and one woman pregnant plus her. My cousin knows the guy, they all work together. He's a known woman beater.

So I'm trying to get him to get a lawyer even though her and him agreed to be fair in the divorce. I was a sucker when my ex pulled that one on me and like I told my family, if they will pull one fast one, they'll pull a second especially if there is money involved. I also am begging him to go get tested for HIV and other diseases. Who knows how many guys she screwed and how many partners they've had. Even if there is a disease, they can catch it early and at least protect himself from further damage.

He's scared and in shock. She's told him that he's a wonderful guy (no shit, one of the best!) and that it wasn't him. She just wasn't satisfied (apparently if you fuck everything that moves!) and hadn't been for a while. Um...you've only been married less than a year, you don't just fall out of love or become unsatisfied. You talk about it. He doesn't understand (and neither do I) why someone would supposedly love you then just decide one day that they want to leave...no talk, no warning, nothing. I don't know how to answer that. I wish I did, since I've been asking the same question for over 4 years. Although, my ex blames me for EVERYTHING, including his dad (whom was 850 miles away) getting ill and dying.

I pray to GOD she isn't pregnant and she has been lying about being off birth control. She is following her mom's footsteps and running away when things got serious and rough...only her mom left the kids behind. If it is a clean break with no children, then it will be better for everyone involved. Considering they've been trying for almost a year for a baby and absolutely no luck, then I hope she just lied and stayed on the pill. I know that's a mean thing to say, but no child should be born into this. She doesn't know what the hell she wants and she's already tore one person's life upside down...not to mention her family and his family that had NO idea what was going on.

So we've made headway on what's going on and what he wants. It's over, he's already decided there will be no second chance or reconciliation. He wants to move because he moved into the house with her and proposed to her there. So we're looking into other places and hopefully will get him moved within the week. Everyone else wants to push everything at once. They don't understand that he's in shock. He'll be in shock for a while. He'll need support for a while and this isn't just going to go away because someone said to move on.

I've tried to plead with them that unless you have been through it, you have no idea. It isn't like just breaking up with a boyfriend or even a fiance (I've done both, by the way.) You've made that commitment with someone that you intended on being with for the rest of your life. Someone you love, someone you would do anything for, and someone you never wanted to live without. He, like me, took it seriously. He was in it for the long haul. He, .like me, doesn't understand why our spouses felt the need to lead a double life and lie to our faces, planning for a future they didn't want. It doesn't go away because mom or dad or sis or grandma tells you that life goes on.

His sister (the pregnant cruel cousin of mine from hell) came to see him. I really didn't want her here, but this isn't about me. She had the nerve to make it about herself. That they were supposed to have kids at the same time and now she was stuck being pregnant and it was all our fault. I gritted my teeth, my fist clenched, I wanted so badly to punch her in her little smug smarmy face. But focusing on this not being about me...I let her ramble knowing he'd get pissed and tell her to leave. Which he did. Telling her she was being disrespectful and selfish.

It's so odd. We have always been close, like brothers and sisters. I could tell his brother anything. I could never tell his sister anything. I had to be selective of what I said to him. Even when I went through my separation and divorce, he thought I should just get over it and move on...he had never had his heart broken. I have little family I'm close with, but I was close with them. I grew up with them like we were siblings.

Today, with tears in his eyes. That little boy I used to play cops and robbers with. The one that always was laid back and taking it all in came through. He finally said to me he was sorry for not seeing my pain for what it was. He finally got it. There are no words to fix the heartache and pain. No words at all. I"m horribly concerned that he is slipping into a depression and will choose a hard road to deal with this. Rejection sucks. Divorce sucks. Being told 'I don't love you' sucks. His brother asked why I was going above and beyond and being super over-protective of him and my only reply was to keep him alive until he gets through shock and can actually start dealing with this. No one else in the family has been separated or divorced and no one else gets the fog you're in until the shock wears off. I had someone be my rock when I was so lost...I wouldn't be here with that person. He's grieving. I get that and just wish others did, too.

I have been upset all week between not feeling well, the one month anniversary of the D&C, this whole thing with their separation, and reading dear sweet Tues.day's horrible news. I'm a mess. I'm a fixer. I'm a nurturer. I'm a caregiver. Yet, I can't make fix anything or make any of that heartache better. I know that my reaction to everything is magnified that much more by my own pain.

When this is over, I'm going on vacation. I don't know where, but I know it will be far away from here.

Tag

TAG!

A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.
B. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

5 things I Was Doing 10 Years Ago:

1. Going to college
2. Getting engaged
3. Grieving my first miscarriage
4. On tour.
5. Going to MMEA

5 Things On My To-Do List Today:

1. Dishes
2. Bills
3. Emails
4. Feed the dog
5. Dinner

Snacks I Enjoy:

1. ice cream
2. Nuts
3. cookies
4. brownies
5. fruit

Things I Would Do if (ahem, when) I Were a Billionaire:

1. adopt
2. travel the world
3. donate to a charity that can cure deadly diseases
4. go to the concerts i want to go to (hell, hire the bands to play for me)
5. help family/friends

3 Bad habits

1. junk food
2. Trying to help everyone
3. Staying up too late

5 Places I've lived (Yes, All in Colorado)

1. Missouri
2. Missouri
3. Illinois
4. Missouri
5. Canada

5 Jobs I've Had

1. Volunteer
2. Music Librarian
3. Nanny
4. House/Office Cleaner
5. Laundry Girl @ hotel

5 Things People Probably Don't Know About Me:

1. I used to ride bulls (as in rodeo)
2. I used to rope (as in cattle)
3. I have the worst luck in the world (Seriously!).
4. I am NOT graceful.
5. I have very vivid dreams, usually more than once and always in color.

I tag the folks that read my blog...(all 4 of ya. LOL)

Please pray for Tuesday

Just when I think things are bad in my life, I am reminded that things could always be worse. Please join me and others and pray for Tuesday and her family.



I have followed their journey for a while and have no words for their pain right now.

Did I miss the BIG secret?

Seriously, did I miss something in the last 30 years? Was I gone from that one important class that teaches us why there are men and women who don't treasure what marriage is supposed to mean? Did someone fail to tell me the secret as to why marriage should be taken lightly?

I have spent the day consoling a family member who has only been 7 months and had been with there spouse for a few years. When I was told about his spouse leaving because she found someone she liked better, it floored me. I liked her and even though something had been off when he was home last week, I thought she truly loved him.

I've been through this myself. I was the one that was with my spouse for 7 years married less than two when we separated. It was another 2 years before the divorce was finalized and that was a marriage from hell. I loved him more than life itself...but the feelings weren't mutual. I was nothing more than a stepping stone for him to 'become someone' as he put it. Amusing now that he is married again, facing deportation, and the woman he married could pass for my twin. (My best friend that I've had for 16 years thought she was me and wanted to know what I was doing with him.)

Anyway, I have watched so many people in my life be hurt by their spouse. Some forgave and went back only to get divorced later on. Some divorced when problems got to rough. I didn't choose to be divorced. I loved my husband. I was willing to do whatever it took to fix our marriage, but he was already making plans with a friend of mine to move in with her when he left. Three weeks before our split we were talking about finally getting our debt under control, getting a home of our own, and trying for a family again. I wanted to stay married, even though I was being physically and emotionally abused. I wanted to make my marriage work.

Of course, I don't feel that way now, but I still firmly believe that when you marry, you should enter into it planning to be married for the rest of your life. I know marriages that worked. I know people that truly wanted to be with the ones they married and worked hard to do that.

I don't believe in marrying someone and less than 8 months later deciding that you want to try a relationship with someone you like better than your spouse. My family member is a good guy, he isn't abusive, he loves his wife, and he would go through hell and back for her....apparently the feelings aren't mutual.

I wonder though, because this is the same family with the bratty mom-to-be from hell. I know they were all trying to get pregnant at the same time. I know that they wanted to start families together. I also know from the email I got from the cousin-from-hell that she is now wondering what she got herself into. She is 'stuck' (her words) being pregnant when she thought that she would be having babies with her sis-in-law. I flat out asked her in another email if she ever flaunted the fact that she was pregnant in front of her SIL and if she ever thought for one second that the reason her bro and sil haven't got pregnant is because they can't.

It's highly possible. I haven't wandered into that territory with my cousin. He's hurting so bad and I don't want to push the conversation. I want him to talk when he's ready. Right now, we are just crying alot together. He's like my brother and it kills me that he's hurting so much.

I don't know what's worse. Knowing that this is something that nothing can be said to fix it or that I know his pain to the point that I feel it. The worst part is that I'm the ONLY one in the family that has went through this and I was the one that they brought him to because no one else knows what to say or do. The first words out of his mouth was that he hoped she wasn't pregnant. He couldn't handle it if she was already pregnant and then decided to leave.

You can't fix someone's heart being ripped out and shattered and the rug being pulled out from under them. Words aren't enough to take that hurt and pain away. I am at such a loss. I really liked her and I really hope that they can work this out. I know him, though, and doubt he'll want to go back and be vulnerable for her to hurt him again. I don't even know if he'd try to reconcile even if there is a baby involved, especially since she is chasing another man.

Now, I know why she always had something to do on the day trips he'd make back home to see his family and our failing grandmother. I now know that me automatically questioning why she didn't come back with him hit a nerve.

So, did I miss this class or the secret on why spouses just can't seem to stay in a marriage because they can't have it all at once or because they see someone else that catches their eye.

I don't get it...I really don't fuc.king get it.

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Listening to: Jeff Buckley - Unforgiven (Last Goodbye) (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Ramblings.

Yesterday was such a hard day for me for many different reasons. The main two being it marked a month since the D&C and we had to put my elderly 97 year old aunt in the nursing home.

Today, I'm in a better frame of mind. The world isn't going to end, at least I hope not, and I'm dealing with everything. Well, I'm trying to deal, but can't say I'm doing a stunning job of it.

So I think I'm going to be making some weekly blogs here, although I may end up starting one just dealing with music.

Stay tuned for more ramblings.

Strength

I still feel like hell. I see my doctor on Wednesday this week so I'm hoping to wait until then to find out why I ache all over. I'm still on the antibiotics, but I'm still spiking a fever so I have a feeling that they either aren't working or I need a higher dose. I've slept most of the weekend. When I wasn't sleeping, I was dealing with the ex-husband.

It's snowy here with more snow on the way through mid-week. Hopefully, the ice will stay to the south and miss us. I HATE ice.

I was thinking about all of the crazy things I did in my younger days. I don't know how I survived, but I am surprised i'm not in eternal pain. One thing I learned when I was little and watching so many people I love die was to live life to the fullest and I sure did, especially when I went to college.

Actually, what brought me to thinking about my younger days was while I was reading a message board that I share with friends, we were talking about our problems with parents and what has helped us get through them. It's amazing how strong a human is in their most vulnerable and when they think they are weak. I have seen strength in people that can't see it in themselves and there aren't enough words to express to them how strong they have become. I've spent the last 7 years or so friends with these folks. They have been apart of my life through the best and worst times. They were my strength when I had none to continue on. They breathed life into me, when I had none. Their strength became mine. I am so lucky to have friends like them in my life. Even when we disagree and when we face the bad together, I know that they are as there for me as I am them.

I am amazed at the strength that a human being can have after enduring years of turmoil.

Stupidity of the day

I'm amazed at the level of stupidity I've encountered today. Few things surprise me, but today, I am in awe of how stupid some people are.

The first one is the story regarding a woman out of Iowa. You can read about it here. I can't believe they arrested her for a $13.95 book and she ended up paying $250 for her bond.

The second one tops all things stupid...at least for today. A local company that my family works for and I used to work for was recently sold to another company. This company has really cracked down on safety and even gave one of the guys there the extra job of being safety coordinator for the local branch. Today they received a big box that had another box that was completely empty! This was shipped via UPS which is rather costly. They claim this empty box was for the safety videos that they are shipping one-by-one to the branch, thus costing even more money considering they are shipping these via UPS next day.

What the heck were they thinking in spending all that money shipping two boxes that had nothing in it for videos they send one-by-one? No wonder they can't afford to give raises.


On a side note, I'm still dealing with wisdom tooth from hell. I woke up yesterday and every bone and muscle in my body was sore. I have no idea why I'm so dang sore.

Relieved, yet saddened.

I just spoke with a friend of mine who has a child that goes to Virginia Tech. There was a murder last night on campus and it happened in the building across from my friend's son's dorm. We waited for word about who and where because VT sent texts to the parents saying there was a murder at that building but they would not release the sex or name of the victim.

I'm so relieved that his son is ok and so sad that our college campuses are not safe for the students. I can't imagine how the family of the young woman feels. She had only been on campus two weeks before being murdered by a young man that she knew.

Seriously, what the fu.ck is wrong with people?

What have I done?

Saw this on To Baby and Beyond's blog and thought I'd participate. If you want to participate...Simply copy the list and cross out the ones you have done

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang/played a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Made a baby not live ones :(
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Hope

Yesterday was a historical event. For the first time in a long time I felt the wave of hope and togetherness. It had nothing to do with being Democrat, Republican, or Independent. It was about our country as a nation. I'm a cynic when it comes to politics and honestly didn't think that yesterday would be as BIG as it was, but watching the coverage and having updates from one of my cousins that was there, I was completely overwhelmed.

My family is full of people that have served and are serving in the military. I have numerous friends that have served and are serving. I have lost several people very dear to me because of war and terrorist attacks. I have seen the wounded and watched those that have been in the military struggle with what has happened. I've witnessed in very personal ways the core-shaking tragedies that made me the cynic.

I had lost hope in our country. I lost faith in our government and completely lost trust in the 'why' something was done. I seen the tears and the pain, the heartache that has plagued this country for so long. I was a proud American growing up. I was taught to love this country and fight for it if I had to. That freedom isn't free. My freedom was paid for by the blood of someone's loved ones.

I watched so many people yesterday and could feel the hope surge new life through this country. So many people had their faith restored as history was being made. It wasn't about politics, it was about our country coming together and wanting one thing...To be restored with hope. I know that if anything changes that it won't be overnight and it won't be urgent.

I'm still fighting this toothache. I can't get in to see a dentist until next week, so until then, I just have to bear it.

It could be worse.

So today, I was trying to do a relatively easy (for me) task that involved setting up a local band's set for their gig which would entertain a record label owner that I am friends with. Everything I did I either dropped, knocked over, or set up backwards. Of course, my colorful words were being muttered as I struggled doing this easy job.

After practically standing on my head for close to an hour plugging things in, setting things up, and picking things up I stood up to go meet the band and the label owner. I felt funny but figured it was because I had been bending over alot and still trying to recover from this infection. I had no idea what was going on until one of the guys asked me who hit me in my face.

I know I had to have had a confused look on my face because I looked at him wondering what the hell he was talking about. Seeing my confusion, the label owner that is a good friend of mine, told me to go look in a mirror.

Oh. My. God.

My wisdom tooth that has been trying to come in for about 10 years (literally!) has came in sideways and while in the process of all of the setting up, I must have been gritting and grinding my teeth. A very bad habit that I have been trying to work on, but shines through when I'm really stressed and miserable. The tooth is loose, but is not down far enough, to be pulled. It is not only coming in sideways, but has apparently been chipped while coming in and has a really sharp point that is pushing into the tooth next to it. So my face is swollen, not too bad, but enough to be noticed. Every muscle and nerve is so sore and my head is killing me. I've had the last few symptoms for a few days, but just thought it was because I have been sick and crying alot.

I went back out to talk to the guys before sound check and the place opening for the gig. One of them has a father-in-law that is a dentist so he called him and asked him what to do. Since the father-in-law was coming down for the gig, he told him that he'd bring a few tools and look at it beforehand and not charge me for it. That way I'd know what I'm dealing with.

I have no insurance and have not been working since the beginning of fall. If the tooth was in far enough to get a good grip to be pulled it would only cost me $150 or so, but since it isn't and it's sideways and pushing on this other tooth, there will have to be tons of extra dental work if I opt to have it pulled now instead of waiting a while longer for it to come in a little more. The only concerns that I have are infection since I"m already fighting one, I don't need more infection and I've had Bell's Palsey several times and am afriad that it made this problem worse than it should be or that the tooth problem will cause another case of it.. The dentist looked at it and told me that the way it looked that he would have to go in and and cut into my gums to pull the tooth and that was hoping that the roots hadn't grown around another tooth's roots or my jaw bone. If I opt to do this all on Monday, it would cost me at least $500 and not knowing the extent of what is going on without x-rays or any real sterile office exam, it could be closer to $1000 if it has damaged other teeth or my jaw bone. Since I'm already on some high powered anti-biotics, he seems to think that waiting would be ok as long as I rinse my mouth out quite a few times a day and take it easy on eating, grinding, and gritting my teeth. The only reason I didn't notice my tooth is hurting is because I have a high pain tolerance, but after someone looking and feeling up my face, I'm starting to feel it.

I look swell. I feel swell. My mind was not on my work after all of this and I'm glad to finally be home.

Coming to terms

Today was so hard. Every time I turned around I burst into tears. I couldn't focus on anything without tears running down my face.

It finally hit me when I was sitting here watching some television show. No more ultrasounds. No more weekly updates. No more looking at baby gear or planning what the nursery will look like.

They're gone.

I was supposed to spend the day with one of my best friends, but he had to bail to hang with his son. Then I was supposed to go out to Ladies Night, but I'm not up for all of that fun.

So here I am trying to figure out how to put how I feel into words and it isn't working so well. I think I may just curl up and watch some mindless TV.

The day the turntable quit

-10º,

That is how cold it was this morning. It is supposed to be -12 tomorrow morning. I haven't been warm all day.

I'm a music junkie. I can immerse myself in the music and get lost for hours. It is one of my escapes and a passion. I was fine today until my turntable quit. I had a really nice one when I was with my ex-husband and when we split, I couldn't afford a new one and he took the one we had, a nice expensive one, and gave it (along with the rest of the $500 stereo system that I was so proud to own) to a former friend of mine that was shacking up with him. So I bought this one used and it was in really good shape, but I have played it ALOT in the last few years. Today in the middle of one of my Maynard Ferguson album's, it stopped. Won't even turn on. I've repaired a few turntables (along with other music equipment while in college) so I took it apart and realized that the motor was fried. I am so angry that now I am not able to listen to my records and knowing that the all the money I'll have in the next three months is going to bills that have to be paid, I know it will be a while before I'll be able to replace it.

I don't know who I pissed off, but sheesh, enough already! I know this isn't life or death, but my music is such a part of me that it feels someone cut off a limb. I'm the crazy musician that doesn't leave home without her Ipod (and charger), a favorite cd's, a list of music I want or need, and a list of places, dates, and times of groups I want to hear, or music that I'm working on, just in case I have a few moments and/or (depending on what it is) a musical instrument.

Actually, I think I might start a blog about music. God knows I could write for days about it and never get tired. I'll have to think about that for a bit.

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Listening to: The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
via FoxyTunes