In Limbo

It sucks, too.

I'm not a mother of any live children. My babies are dead. I get told all the time by people that know and don't know about my miscarriages that I'm not a parent and that I don't understand about being a parent. I bite my tongue because it usually ends up in not-so-nice words instead of screaming, "I am a mother! Just because you don't see my babies, doesn't mean I'm not!"

It has caused major issues with my friends, whom are all parents of live babies. A few have had the devastation of losing a baby, but most have no issues conceiving or carrying their babies. All events include their parent friends...there is nothing, including my birthday that is just me and them. Most events have the children involved and when I'm having a bad time dealing with facing the world where there is an abundance of babies, I get the guilt trip.

I've tried to explain. I need time to be with them without their kids and without the other parents that I don't know. I need time to be with my friends without the guilt trips and without feeling like I've lost more than just my babies. I'd like to say that it has just happened with the people that know, but it happens with those that don't know, too.

I don't know what's worse...being told that I'm not a mother (or that my babies weren't really alive long enough to count myself as one) or that I'm not part of the parent filled groups.

I was at the hospital a few weeks back after someone had their baby and I was ok until I went to leave and the remark was made that I'll be there someday soon. I lost it as I was walking out of the labor, delivery, and nursery area. It seems that it should be so easy to have a baby, but it isn't...at least not for me.

I hate this feeling of no longer belonging. I hate this feeling that my friends have moved on into parenthood without me. I hate being told that just because my babies aren't living, that I'm NOT a parent. I'm not married, so I get the 'look' when I talk about trying to conceive and IF. I'm not financially stable enough to adopt since it seems that conceiving and carrying to term is impossible and at the moment, suggested against by my doctors.

I hate being in this land of IF...