I have been busy... And exhausted and just plain sick. But after reading The Spit's list of 8 Things only parents can do, I see red. It's bullshit... Plain and simple. This woman that wrote it needs a reality check and possibly a nice bitchslap... Kinda like I felt when I read it.
I am not normally a violent person but if she is truly that ignorant then God help us if she truly procreated.
And for the record, I am not a parent of children on this earth and I still have done all of these.
I recently had a little one (I consider her my neice) stay with us for her first real vacation longer than a week and without her parents. She was an absolute angel. Absolutely no problems and only 2 minor meltdowns when she got tired and a bit homesick for her mama. I expected it and we made it through it within 10 minutes and some cuddles. Still, I have took care of many little ones that had issues and were exhausting with their attitudes. I love them all, but this little girl was an angel, even with potty training. It was a near perfect week.
But I spent some time watching her and wondering about my angel babies... 2 of which would near her in age. It hurts... Even when she would catch a glimpse of a tear streaming down my face and her sweet tender hearted little self would run over to me, throw her little arms around me, and plant a kiss on my cheek. She would then tell me I am her Eskimo Kisses and that she loves me.
God help me...
I showed her what her great aunt, my late mother, taught me... How to eskimo kiss. I had dreamed of teaching my own children but...
My soul is full of love and someday I will tell her just how much her love means and that it saved me at a time that my heart, soul, and body is so broken and some days just waking up takes more effort than I have.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Leibster Award
The Liebster is a blog award for up and coming bloggers.
RULES
This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.
1. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.
2. Then, create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.
3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.
4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.
5. No tag backs.
5. No tag backs.
Thank you To Bubba's Mommy for nominating me.
I shall answer the questions set, and nominate more bloggers. Thank you so much.
1. What do you hope 2013 will be like for you? Peaceful...no illnesses or fighting. No more deaths.
2. If you could give advice to any other grieving parent, what would it be? Grief is natural...everyone grieves differently and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There are many people that are grieving...don't hesitate to reach out for support to those that may share the same type of grief as you.
3. When you are upset, what brings you most comfort? My faith, music, and writing.
4. if there was a house fire, what objects would you rescue first? Photos, important papers, musical instruments.
5. What quotes can you most relate to? "Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none." - William Shakespeare; "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy; "You know, sometimes you have to go through something to find out why you did it." - Kiefer Sutherland in I Trust You to Kill Me; "Never let anybody tell you that's the wrong way, 'cause there's really no wrong way. Once you realize that, the ceiling lifts off of the house and you can do anything that you like." ~Rocco DeLuca
6. If you could move to anywhere in the world, where would it be? I would love to travel, but not sure about moving...right now, would love to live in New Mexico/Colorado area.
7. Describe a perfect day? I've never had a perfect day.
8. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? My cynicism and jaded views and the fact that I am so used to sickness and death that I just expect it.
9. Why do you blog? I blog to get things out. To journal, without criticism and without the looks and awkwardness of people who just want me to move on.
10. What 'words' has someone said to you that has stayed in your mind and won't leave? (good or bad) Did you cry? Why can't you move on? Why are you such a failure? No baby would want you for a mother.
11. Will you let me know that you have entered this competition and answered these questions? I'd love to know xx Yes
2. If you could give advice to any other grieving parent, what would it be? Grief is natural...everyone grieves differently and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There are many people that are grieving...don't hesitate to reach out for support to those that may share the same type of grief as you.
3. When you are upset, what brings you most comfort? My faith, music, and writing.
4. if there was a house fire, what objects would you rescue first? Photos, important papers, musical instruments.
5. What quotes can you most relate to? "Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none." - William Shakespeare; "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy; "You know, sometimes you have to go through something to find out why you did it." - Kiefer Sutherland in I Trust You to Kill Me; "Never let anybody tell you that's the wrong way, 'cause there's really no wrong way. Once you realize that, the ceiling lifts off of the house and you can do anything that you like." ~Rocco DeLuca
6. If you could move to anywhere in the world, where would it be? I would love to travel, but not sure about moving...right now, would love to live in New Mexico/Colorado area.
7. Describe a perfect day? I've never had a perfect day.
8. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? My cynicism and jaded views and the fact that I am so used to sickness and death that I just expect it.
9. Why do you blog? I blog to get things out. To journal, without criticism and without the looks and awkwardness of people who just want me to move on.
10. What 'words' has someone said to you that has stayed in your mind and won't leave? (good or bad) Did you cry? Why can't you move on? Why are you such a failure? No baby would want you for a mother.
11. Will you let me know that you have entered this competition and answered these questions? I'd love to know xx Yes
Here are my nominations. I love reading these blogs...these ladies make me feel like I'm not alone in this lonely world. Again, thank you to Bubba's Mommy at My Bubba for nominating me...much love to you. xxx
Annalee at Happiness at the Core
Astral at It is Written in The Stars Above
SM at Unexplained Rantings
Jenn At Future Fords
Ksirahsirah at Ksirahsirah
Rebecca at Life of an Army Wife
Azara at Tesseract
Serenity at Serenity Now
Tutti at Submerged
Daryl at Something out of Nothing
Yo-yo Mama at Yo-yo Mama
My questions for my nominees...
1. Why do you blog?
2. What do you wish for 2013?
3. What brings you peace and comfort?
4. What is your favorite song/group?
5. What speaks to your soul?
6. If you are a grieving parent, what advice do you have other grieving parents?
7. What quotes can you most relate to?
8. What is your perfect day?
9. What do you do to keep the memory of your angel baby/babies alive? (again, for grieving parents)
10. Do you have a favorite spot? If so, where and why?
11. What is your favorite movie?
Annalee at Happiness at the Core
Astral at It is Written in The Stars Above
SM at Unexplained Rantings
Jenn At Future Fords
Ksirahsirah at Ksirahsirah
Rebecca at Life of an Army Wife
Azara at Tesseract
Serenity at Serenity Now
Tutti at Submerged
Daryl at Something out of Nothing
Yo-yo Mama at Yo-yo Mama
My questions for my nominees...
1. Why do you blog?
2. What do you wish for 2013?
3. What brings you peace and comfort?
4. What is your favorite song/group?
5. What speaks to your soul?
6. If you are a grieving parent, what advice do you have other grieving parents?
7. What quotes can you most relate to?
8. What is your perfect day?
9. What do you do to keep the memory of your angel baby/babies alive? (again, for grieving parents)
10. Do you have a favorite spot? If so, where and why?
11. What is your favorite movie?
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Welcome to 2013
Welcome to 2013 and my blog.
I invite you to leave comments and I hope that you will understand that I will not allow trolls on my blog. I am open to constructive criticism, but please remember that I am broken and damaged. I am grieving. I am living in a world where I see alot of illness and death and the inside of clinics and hospitals are my second home.
There are only a few of people in my life that know about my blog. I try to keep names and personal information out of it. I may post a few pictures, but not of people (unless they are the ones that know about my blog). This is my home for my thoughts and dealing with what is going on. My place away from reality where I can collect my thoughts and feelings and not feel like crap for not having
the never-ending smile and happy attitude 24/7.
I really do not have a list of resolutions or a bucket list for 2013. I am just trying to survive...like many others.
I'd love to hear about you and your blog. I love reading blogs and hopefully I will be become a better commenter and not just a lurker.
I invite you to leave comments and I hope that you will understand that I will not allow trolls on my blog. I am open to constructive criticism, but please remember that I am broken and damaged. I am grieving. I am living in a world where I see alot of illness and death and the inside of clinics and hospitals are my second home.
There are only a few of people in my life that know about my blog. I try to keep names and personal information out of it. I may post a few pictures, but not of people (unless they are the ones that know about my blog). This is my home for my thoughts and dealing with what is going on. My place away from reality where I can collect my thoughts and feelings and not feel like crap for not having
the never-ending smile and happy attitude 24/7.
I really do not have a list of resolutions or a bucket list for 2013. I am just trying to survive...like many others.
I'd love to hear about you and your blog. I love reading blogs and hopefully I will be become a better commenter and not just a lurker.
Dear family member....
Dear Family Member,
I am attempting to control my anger. A resolution for 2013. Control my anger better. However, instead of repeating myself to you, since you are obviously not able to understand what I am saying, I am blogging it.
Cause otherwise, I might just completely snap...and you REALLY don't want me to do that.
I am so completely sick and tired of being the ONLY adult in this family. It is NOT my job to settle the estates that should have been settled years ago and it is NOT my job to be head boss. I don't want that job...but since you and several others think it is ok to be an adult, yet not take on the responsibilities that you volunteered for then the crapload of responsibility has fell into MY lap...and my load is already overflowing.
Here's the thing...you assume too much and think you know everything. Sad thing is, you know NOTHING and absolutely nothing as to why I have put my big girl panties on and pursued this so it will finally END. Not only that, but you moved your sorry ass 9 hours away and expect to get information from your mother...the head bitch that does NOT want to do ANYTHING but does NOT want to relinquish the control so it can be finished. It's sad really...this affects so many people and yet none of them want to take the reins so it will be done and laid to rest.
You judge me when you have no idea who I really am. I have spent eons on time worrying about you... You didn't know that and I suspect you really wouldn't give a damn. You're an adult, but you are still stuck in child mode. Selfish and junior-high judgemental behavior. You lack common sense. I'm sorry but you were the one that sat at the table and exclaimed "There are potatoes in potato chips?!" You are the one that believes that I am a self-centered, snotty bitch. Your words, not mine. You are the one that doesn't get it...and probably never will because you are jealous and you lack being able to actually listen.
I may be a self-centered, snotty bitch. I think I deserve to be a bit self-centered after the shit hand that life has dealt my way. I am ALWAYS doing for others...I never ask for anything in return. I am taking care of terminally ill family members. I gave up my career and my dreams (for now) to do so. I have let go of becoming a mother because, at this time, I simply can't be a parent and a caretaker due to time and finances. I would do it again because that is how life is. Snotty? Maybe, but I have spent numerous hours trying to explain things to you...the why's and what's. I have tried to get you to understand that things don't always go the way we want them to and that wanting and thinking you're entitled to what everyone has....that life doesn't work like that. I have been stuck in a move for 3 years. THREE FUCKING YEARS. Mainly because you and your mother don't want anyone to have anything or for change. Estates needs to be settled. Bills need to be paid. End of life things need to be put in order. I'm snotty because I have nothing in order and my house and head are a frustrating mess. I'm snotty because I am exhausted. So. fucking. exhausted. of fighting everyone in this. I want to be able to find my damn clothes...and pictures...and recipes...and kitchen utensils. I want to be able to sit down and relax for a few moments and enjoy what time I have left with my parent. I want to be able to look around and call this place my home...without seeing stacks of boxes and things waiting for me to find their respective places after I finish packing up my deceased family members' items. Lastly, I want to be able to grieve. Three years of mounting grief...because this process has been drawn out and it will never fucking end unless I keep pushing the lawyer to complete the estate settlement.
Most of all, you sit there on your almighty throne throwing judgments and snapping orders (from 9 hours away) when you have made mistakes. I have never judged you, but there are some things I just don't understand. Like how you could give your newborn away to strangers? I will never understand it when you tell me that you didn't want the responsibility. It was your choice...no matter how much it grieves us or worries us (about your mental well-being). There is a difference between you and me....no matter how wrong I think you are with certain choices, I will never give up supporting or loving you. I admit that my opinion will probably never change on this subject. You had the world and you gave it away...I could never look in my child's eyes and hand her/him to another person so they could be called mom or dad. I will never understand the choice of putting myself over my child. Sadly, that is what you did. You never ever said that it was best for your child because you weren't ready to be a parent. Your words will always echo in my head, "I'm not ready for responsibility and I want to be able to continue to party and do what I want." In a way it was best for that baby...deserve better than what you were willing to provide. It will remain sad to me...not because you made that choice, but why you made it and I may never completely understand how you are wired that way where in every single decision you make, you always use the 'me, me me' reason and not in a good way. Yet, I will never fault you for that, I just will never understand. I guess that is why you feel entitled to be boss and to take over the 'empire' and that you and your family feels that you deserve to have everything that belongs to everyone. You are so jealous of what others have...you can't see that you have nothing to be jealous about.
Again, your words, not mine...
You make it so unGodly difficult for me to not punch you in the face or impolitely tell you off and it may happen sooner than later, despite my efforts to control my anger over the situation. You really aren't worth my time or energy and it is oh-so-difficult to walk away.
I leave you with this...someday you are going to wish things were different. You are going to wish that you had my love and support. You are going to wish that you had listened. You are going to regret calling me names and talking horrible about me. Most of all, you are going to look back at the years your threw away and realize that those that loved you most are the ones you shit on. Sadly, we will probably not be around then...you will be on your own and realize that it is too late. Even if some of us are still around, I have a suspicion that you will have burned all of your bridges. Life is a long lonely road to haul without people that love and care for us....everyone dies, everyone lies, and everything changes no matter how much we try to keep things the same.
Love,
Eskimo Kisses
I am attempting to control my anger. A resolution for 2013. Control my anger better. However, instead of repeating myself to you, since you are obviously not able to understand what I am saying, I am blogging it.
Cause otherwise, I might just completely snap...and you REALLY don't want me to do that.
I am so completely sick and tired of being the ONLY adult in this family. It is NOT my job to settle the estates that should have been settled years ago and it is NOT my job to be head boss. I don't want that job...but since you and several others think it is ok to be an adult, yet not take on the responsibilities that you volunteered for then the crapload of responsibility has fell into MY lap...and my load is already overflowing.
Here's the thing...you assume too much and think you know everything. Sad thing is, you know NOTHING and absolutely nothing as to why I have put my big girl panties on and pursued this so it will finally END. Not only that, but you moved your sorry ass 9 hours away and expect to get information from your mother...the head bitch that does NOT want to do ANYTHING but does NOT want to relinquish the control so it can be finished. It's sad really...this affects so many people and yet none of them want to take the reins so it will be done and laid to rest.
You judge me when you have no idea who I really am. I have spent eons on time worrying about you... You didn't know that and I suspect you really wouldn't give a damn. You're an adult, but you are still stuck in child mode. Selfish and junior-high judgemental behavior. You lack common sense. I'm sorry but you were the one that sat at the table and exclaimed "There are potatoes in potato chips?!" You are the one that believes that I am a self-centered, snotty bitch. Your words, not mine. You are the one that doesn't get it...and probably never will because you are jealous and you lack being able to actually listen.
I may be a self-centered, snotty bitch. I think I deserve to be a bit self-centered after the shit hand that life has dealt my way. I am ALWAYS doing for others...I never ask for anything in return. I am taking care of terminally ill family members. I gave up my career and my dreams (for now) to do so. I have let go of becoming a mother because, at this time, I simply can't be a parent and a caretaker due to time and finances. I would do it again because that is how life is. Snotty? Maybe, but I have spent numerous hours trying to explain things to you...the why's and what's. I have tried to get you to understand that things don't always go the way we want them to and that wanting and thinking you're entitled to what everyone has....that life doesn't work like that. I have been stuck in a move for 3 years. THREE FUCKING YEARS. Mainly because you and your mother don't want anyone to have anything or for change. Estates needs to be settled. Bills need to be paid. End of life things need to be put in order. I'm snotty because I have nothing in order and my house and head are a frustrating mess. I'm snotty because I am exhausted. So. fucking. exhausted. of fighting everyone in this. I want to be able to find my damn clothes...and pictures...and recipes...and kitchen utensils. I want to be able to sit down and relax for a few moments and enjoy what time I have left with my parent. I want to be able to look around and call this place my home...without seeing stacks of boxes and things waiting for me to find their respective places after I finish packing up my deceased family members' items. Lastly, I want to be able to grieve. Three years of mounting grief...because this process has been drawn out and it will never fucking end unless I keep pushing the lawyer to complete the estate settlement.
Most of all, you sit there on your almighty throne throwing judgments and snapping orders (from 9 hours away) when you have made mistakes. I have never judged you, but there are some things I just don't understand. Like how you could give your newborn away to strangers? I will never understand it when you tell me that you didn't want the responsibility. It was your choice...no matter how much it grieves us or worries us (about your mental well-being). There is a difference between you and me....no matter how wrong I think you are with certain choices, I will never give up supporting or loving you. I admit that my opinion will probably never change on this subject. You had the world and you gave it away...I could never look in my child's eyes and hand her/him to another person so they could be called mom or dad. I will never understand the choice of putting myself over my child. Sadly, that is what you did. You never ever said that it was best for your child because you weren't ready to be a parent. Your words will always echo in my head, "I'm not ready for responsibility and I want to be able to continue to party and do what I want." In a way it was best for that baby...deserve better than what you were willing to provide. It will remain sad to me...not because you made that choice, but why you made it and I may never completely understand how you are wired that way where in every single decision you make, you always use the 'me, me me' reason and not in a good way. Yet, I will never fault you for that, I just will never understand. I guess that is why you feel entitled to be boss and to take over the 'empire' and that you and your family feels that you deserve to have everything that belongs to everyone. You are so jealous of what others have...you can't see that you have nothing to be jealous about.
Again, your words, not mine...
You make it so unGodly difficult for me to not punch you in the face or impolitely tell you off and it may happen sooner than later, despite my efforts to control my anger over the situation. You really aren't worth my time or energy and it is oh-so-difficult to walk away.
I leave you with this...someday you are going to wish things were different. You are going to wish that you had my love and support. You are going to wish that you had listened. You are going to regret calling me names and talking horrible about me. Most of all, you are going to look back at the years your threw away and realize that those that loved you most are the ones you shit on. Sadly, we will probably not be around then...you will be on your own and realize that it is too late. Even if some of us are still around, I have a suspicion that you will have burned all of your bridges. Life is a long lonely road to haul without people that love and care for us....everyone dies, everyone lies, and everything changes no matter how much we try to keep things the same.
Love,
Eskimo Kisses
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