7 Months later and it is still burned in my mind and heart

The murderer pleads guilty today to prevent getting the death penalty.  I have absolutely no words for this...my heart is still shattered and the images, especially of Baby Lan.don's coffin is burned in my head.

Rest in peace Ti.sh and Lan.don....May your loved ones find a way to find peace and comfort in the midst of this horrible tragedy.

Father/Husband pleads guilty to double murder

Sending prayers, joy, and positive thoughts...

To my dear friend Leah over at Crazy Infertile. She and her husband recently got their son (through adoption) and she is due to go in this morning for a C-Section to bring her precious daughter into the world whom is breech.

I'm sending all the prayers, positive thoughts, strength, and love I can her way today as she, her husband, and their son add another precious gift to their family. Please say a prayer that it is an easy birth and that mother and daughter are both ok and healthy.

A continuance of yesterday's blog.

So, I've read that article a thousand times it seems...the date is set in 1970, but the reason it's been brought to the front was because of some things going on related to the case. (It's 1am, my brain is tired, and I'm too lazy to explore this further at the moment.)

The sad thing is that this is STILL happening in this world. Whether it be religion or sexuality or looks, discrimination against prospective adopting parents is STILL happening.

I'm still fucking outraged over the fact that someone thinks they are so high and mighty that they have the ability to judge a loving family that WANTS to love and raise a child.

All I have to say to anyone that thinks it's ok to judge someone...someone that isn't like you, but is willing to adopt and raise a child unconditionally...to give a child a safe, loving, stable home...

FUCK YOU AND THE HIGH HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!

Adoption is looking like the ONLY option for me and that is one that will have to happen a long time down this road because I am just not financially stable and until we figure out the medical issues, I am not willing to bring a child into my life without making sure that things are ok. I was raised in an environment where I had sick parents and grandparents. Illness and death is something I've known since I was a really small child so I want to make sure I'm ok before I start the adoption process. I'm just really upset that there are still people in this world that feel it's ok to judge and to deny a child love because he/she doesn't like a person's religion, sexuality, race, looks, etc.

It happens more than we realize...I just don't understand how a world could look the other way when there are so many children that need a loving, stable, safe home. Are we that numb and used to just turning the other cheek because we don't want to get involved and DEMAND what's right for these kids that have no one to stand up for them? When what's more important news is what some rich party girl is wearing or doing or why some celebrity died than putting the harsh truth that there are children that are starving, doing without, and have no one to tuck them in at night and tell them that they are loved more than life itself and that there are people that are denying these precious kids LOVE because the parents wanting to adopt are different in some way...

Where does the discrimination stop and why are precious children paying for it?

The Law: Can Atheists Be Parents?

The Law: Can Atheists Be Parents?

Sickening...Denying children a loving home over religion.

I believe in God, but I also believe that in this world of so many children without parents and so many parents without children that if the parent/s can provide a loving, safe, stable home, then who the hell are we to judge their religion (or sexual preference.) What's next...denying adoptions to people that have had multiple miscarriages or who have been divorced. How far have we come as a nation to allow a child to be taken out of a loving home over religious discrimination?

I'm outraged. Absolutely outraged over this. I may be the only one that is outraged, but I know many people, including myself, that are dealing with infertility and the fact that adoption may our ONLY chance at being parents.

NO CHILD SHOULD BE DENIED A LOVING, STABLE, SAFE HOME BECAUSE A PARENT'S RELIGION (OR LACK THEREOF) DOES NOT SUIT SOMEONE IN THE SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Journey

This is a road I do NOT want to be on. The bumpy, windy road that have cliffs on both sides with no railing, no signs, and no one knows where or how it will end. It's dark, stormy and scary. There are moments that I'm so alone and moments that I'm desperately clutching my loved ones. There are no brakes and there is no way to stop this journey. There are moments that a brief light shines in and there are sparks of home, but nothing takes away this gut-wrenching knot in the pit of my stomach. The pain so deep that it goes right through me. My shattered heart still beats, though I'm not sure why or how it could survive the many times it's been broken. My body aches as the emotional pain has to have another outlet besides the tears and sadness.

I have not breathed in months. I have been in deep mourning. One horrible tragic thing after another. I have cried so much that there are moments when more bad, shocking news hits that I have no tears on the outside. I have been torn down, trying to fight my way back. I am dealing with certain health issues that they are still unsure of what they are. Undiagnosed, exhausted and broken in my body and soul.

I have had to put aside my anger and issues with certain family members because I have three people in my family that are terminally ill or dying. I have to be civil because I know that I've been in their position of losing a parent or child. I have not dismissed the cruelty they have shown me in the last year, but they are on a road I have been familiar with since I was a child. They are lost and scared, as am I, but they have never been in this particular position before. Denial and anger is so rampant around me that it scares me. Denial and anger are associated with the unwillingness to be well-informed of choices and options and leads to being totally blind in the real complete picture.

There are days I do well...almost human. There are moments I feel like I'm going to conquer the world. Then there are days like today where all I see and feel is pain and sadness. Reality sucks. Watching people you love suffer and die sucks. Watching people suffer because of some ignorant violent murderer sucks. Feeling completely helpless while providing as much support as I can...sucks.

The reason I am still able to live in a world with babies...

I was thinking a few days ago as I was holding the newest addition to my extended family of how I could possibly be able to live in a world where everywhere I look there is a baby or a child that is the age that one of my angel babies would be. Earlier I received a comment regarding being able to cheer on expecting moms. So I figured now would be a good time to write this blog.

In the midst of all of the sadness and tragic stories about loss, there is one thing that has kept me from running and hiding in a hole for the rest of my life. One thing that keeps me from throwing up my arms and exclaiming that I'm done trying to conceive. One thing that keeps me from completely allowing the grief to overwhelm me every second. There is one thing that keeps me from slapping the ignorant people out in the world that just doesn't understand that even though my babies are angels and weren't carried to term or born crying before being placed in my arms that I am STILL a mother that has to stay in the shadows because so many people have so many questions, looks, and opinions that usually hit me the wrong way. That one thing is...

THE SUCCESS STORIES OF THOSE THAT ARE FIGHTING IF AND WINNING!

When I read that someone has successfully carried and birthed their baby or that their adoption has went through....it brings that tiny ounce of hope to me that makes me think that someday, someway, I'll have a baby or child of my own to watch grow and nurture.

That is what makes me go back and cheer on those fellow folks in the land of IF. That is what makes me smile when I hear good news, that someone is getting their miracle baby or their miracle child. That makes me find some hope in that I may find a way through this horrible journey.

There are days I can't face it and be a cheerleader, but I am glad that being able to support and cheer on expecting moms helps me more than knocking me down. Yes, it IS a double edge sword that can make one feel both emotions at the same time. I would be miserable all of the time if I allowed it to affect me negatively every moment I am exposed to expecting parents, new babies, toddlers, and children.

So to those of you that are expecting your baby or child, thank you for giving me hope. I wish you all the best in the world and am so glad that you are finding the happiness and joy you've been so desperately trying to find.