Rough week

I really don't know what to say. I feel all talked out. It looks like next week or so we'll be helping my cousin move. He's been here for a few days. I'm the only one that allows him to talk at his own will. I don't ask any major questions and I've been making him 'light' food so he'll eat because I know he won't if I didn't make it and put it in front of him.

Apparently his wife has been cheating on him since before they were married. They've been together 2 1/2 years, living together for the bigger part of it and married for several months of it. She wanted a new house and a baby and has been shacking up with some guy that has kids by his ex-wife and one woman pregnant plus her. My cousin knows the guy, they all work together. He's a known woman beater.

So I'm trying to get him to get a lawyer even though her and him agreed to be fair in the divorce. I was a sucker when my ex pulled that one on me and like I told my family, if they will pull one fast one, they'll pull a second especially if there is money involved. I also am begging him to go get tested for HIV and other diseases. Who knows how many guys she screwed and how many partners they've had. Even if there is a disease, they can catch it early and at least protect himself from further damage.

He's scared and in shock. She's told him that he's a wonderful guy (no shit, one of the best!) and that it wasn't him. She just wasn't satisfied (apparently if you fuck everything that moves!) and hadn't been for a while. Um...you've only been married less than a year, you don't just fall out of love or become unsatisfied. You talk about it. He doesn't understand (and neither do I) why someone would supposedly love you then just decide one day that they want to leave...no talk, no warning, nothing. I don't know how to answer that. I wish I did, since I've been asking the same question for over 4 years. Although, my ex blames me for EVERYTHING, including his dad (whom was 850 miles away) getting ill and dying.

I pray to GOD she isn't pregnant and she has been lying about being off birth control. She is following her mom's footsteps and running away when things got serious and rough...only her mom left the kids behind. If it is a clean break with no children, then it will be better for everyone involved. Considering they've been trying for almost a year for a baby and absolutely no luck, then I hope she just lied and stayed on the pill. I know that's a mean thing to say, but no child should be born into this. She doesn't know what the hell she wants and she's already tore one person's life upside down...not to mention her family and his family that had NO idea what was going on.

So we've made headway on what's going on and what he wants. It's over, he's already decided there will be no second chance or reconciliation. He wants to move because he moved into the house with her and proposed to her there. So we're looking into other places and hopefully will get him moved within the week. Everyone else wants to push everything at once. They don't understand that he's in shock. He'll be in shock for a while. He'll need support for a while and this isn't just going to go away because someone said to move on.

I've tried to plead with them that unless you have been through it, you have no idea. It isn't like just breaking up with a boyfriend or even a fiance (I've done both, by the way.) You've made that commitment with someone that you intended on being with for the rest of your life. Someone you love, someone you would do anything for, and someone you never wanted to live without. He, like me, took it seriously. He was in it for the long haul. He, .like me, doesn't understand why our spouses felt the need to lead a double life and lie to our faces, planning for a future they didn't want. It doesn't go away because mom or dad or sis or grandma tells you that life goes on.

His sister (the pregnant cruel cousin of mine from hell) came to see him. I really didn't want her here, but this isn't about me. She had the nerve to make it about herself. That they were supposed to have kids at the same time and now she was stuck being pregnant and it was all our fault. I gritted my teeth, my fist clenched, I wanted so badly to punch her in her little smug smarmy face. But focusing on this not being about me...I let her ramble knowing he'd get pissed and tell her to leave. Which he did. Telling her she was being disrespectful and selfish.

It's so odd. We have always been close, like brothers and sisters. I could tell his brother anything. I could never tell his sister anything. I had to be selective of what I said to him. Even when I went through my separation and divorce, he thought I should just get over it and move on...he had never had his heart broken. I have little family I'm close with, but I was close with them. I grew up with them like we were siblings.

Today, with tears in his eyes. That little boy I used to play cops and robbers with. The one that always was laid back and taking it all in came through. He finally said to me he was sorry for not seeing my pain for what it was. He finally got it. There are no words to fix the heartache and pain. No words at all. I"m horribly concerned that he is slipping into a depression and will choose a hard road to deal with this. Rejection sucks. Divorce sucks. Being told 'I don't love you' sucks. His brother asked why I was going above and beyond and being super over-protective of him and my only reply was to keep him alive until he gets through shock and can actually start dealing with this. No one else in the family has been separated or divorced and no one else gets the fog you're in until the shock wears off. I had someone be my rock when I was so lost...I wouldn't be here with that person. He's grieving. I get that and just wish others did, too.

I have been upset all week between not feeling well, the one month anniversary of the D&C, this whole thing with their separation, and reading dear sweet Tues.day's horrible news. I'm a mess. I'm a fixer. I'm a nurturer. I'm a caregiver. Yet, I can't make fix anything or make any of that heartache better. I know that my reaction to everything is magnified that much more by my own pain.

When this is over, I'm going on vacation. I don't know where, but I know it will be far away from here.

Tag

TAG!

A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.
B. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

5 things I Was Doing 10 Years Ago:

1. Going to college
2. Getting engaged
3. Grieving my first miscarriage
4. On tour.
5. Going to MMEA

5 Things On My To-Do List Today:

1. Dishes
2. Bills
3. Emails
4. Feed the dog
5. Dinner

Snacks I Enjoy:

1. ice cream
2. Nuts
3. cookies
4. brownies
5. fruit

Things I Would Do if (ahem, when) I Were a Billionaire:

1. adopt
2. travel the world
3. donate to a charity that can cure deadly diseases
4. go to the concerts i want to go to (hell, hire the bands to play for me)
5. help family/friends

3 Bad habits

1. junk food
2. Trying to help everyone
3. Staying up too late

5 Places I've lived (Yes, All in Colorado)

1. Missouri
2. Missouri
3. Illinois
4. Missouri
5. Canada

5 Jobs I've Had

1. Volunteer
2. Music Librarian
3. Nanny
4. House/Office Cleaner
5. Laundry Girl @ hotel

5 Things People Probably Don't Know About Me:

1. I used to ride bulls (as in rodeo)
2. I used to rope (as in cattle)
3. I have the worst luck in the world (Seriously!).
4. I am NOT graceful.
5. I have very vivid dreams, usually more than once and always in color.

I tag the folks that read my blog...(all 4 of ya. LOL)

Please pray for Tuesday

Just when I think things are bad in my life, I am reminded that things could always be worse. Please join me and others and pray for Tuesday and her family.



I have followed their journey for a while and have no words for their pain right now.

Did I miss the BIG secret?

Seriously, did I miss something in the last 30 years? Was I gone from that one important class that teaches us why there are men and women who don't treasure what marriage is supposed to mean? Did someone fail to tell me the secret as to why marriage should be taken lightly?

I have spent the day consoling a family member who has only been 7 months and had been with there spouse for a few years. When I was told about his spouse leaving because she found someone she liked better, it floored me. I liked her and even though something had been off when he was home last week, I thought she truly loved him.

I've been through this myself. I was the one that was with my spouse for 7 years married less than two when we separated. It was another 2 years before the divorce was finalized and that was a marriage from hell. I loved him more than life itself...but the feelings weren't mutual. I was nothing more than a stepping stone for him to 'become someone' as he put it. Amusing now that he is married again, facing deportation, and the woman he married could pass for my twin. (My best friend that I've had for 16 years thought she was me and wanted to know what I was doing with him.)

Anyway, I have watched so many people in my life be hurt by their spouse. Some forgave and went back only to get divorced later on. Some divorced when problems got to rough. I didn't choose to be divorced. I loved my husband. I was willing to do whatever it took to fix our marriage, but he was already making plans with a friend of mine to move in with her when he left. Three weeks before our split we were talking about finally getting our debt under control, getting a home of our own, and trying for a family again. I wanted to stay married, even though I was being physically and emotionally abused. I wanted to make my marriage work.

Of course, I don't feel that way now, but I still firmly believe that when you marry, you should enter into it planning to be married for the rest of your life. I know marriages that worked. I know people that truly wanted to be with the ones they married and worked hard to do that.

I don't believe in marrying someone and less than 8 months later deciding that you want to try a relationship with someone you like better than your spouse. My family member is a good guy, he isn't abusive, he loves his wife, and he would go through hell and back for her....apparently the feelings aren't mutual.

I wonder though, because this is the same family with the bratty mom-to-be from hell. I know they were all trying to get pregnant at the same time. I know that they wanted to start families together. I also know from the email I got from the cousin-from-hell that she is now wondering what she got herself into. She is 'stuck' (her words) being pregnant when she thought that she would be having babies with her sis-in-law. I flat out asked her in another email if she ever flaunted the fact that she was pregnant in front of her SIL and if she ever thought for one second that the reason her bro and sil haven't got pregnant is because they can't.

It's highly possible. I haven't wandered into that territory with my cousin. He's hurting so bad and I don't want to push the conversation. I want him to talk when he's ready. Right now, we are just crying alot together. He's like my brother and it kills me that he's hurting so much.

I don't know what's worse. Knowing that this is something that nothing can be said to fix it or that I know his pain to the point that I feel it. The worst part is that I'm the ONLY one in the family that has went through this and I was the one that they brought him to because no one else knows what to say or do. The first words out of his mouth was that he hoped she wasn't pregnant. He couldn't handle it if she was already pregnant and then decided to leave.

You can't fix someone's heart being ripped out and shattered and the rug being pulled out from under them. Words aren't enough to take that hurt and pain away. I am at such a loss. I really liked her and I really hope that they can work this out. I know him, though, and doubt he'll want to go back and be vulnerable for her to hurt him again. I don't even know if he'd try to reconcile even if there is a baby involved, especially since she is chasing another man.

Now, I know why she always had something to do on the day trips he'd make back home to see his family and our failing grandmother. I now know that me automatically questioning why she didn't come back with him hit a nerve.

So, did I miss this class or the secret on why spouses just can't seem to stay in a marriage because they can't have it all at once or because they see someone else that catches their eye.

I don't get it...I really don't fuc.king get it.

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Listening to: Jeff Buckley - Unforgiven (Last Goodbye) (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Ramblings.

Yesterday was such a hard day for me for many different reasons. The main two being it marked a month since the D&C and we had to put my elderly 97 year old aunt in the nursing home.

Today, I'm in a better frame of mind. The world isn't going to end, at least I hope not, and I'm dealing with everything. Well, I'm trying to deal, but can't say I'm doing a stunning job of it.

So I think I'm going to be making some weekly blogs here, although I may end up starting one just dealing with music.

Stay tuned for more ramblings.

Strength

I still feel like hell. I see my doctor on Wednesday this week so I'm hoping to wait until then to find out why I ache all over. I'm still on the antibiotics, but I'm still spiking a fever so I have a feeling that they either aren't working or I need a higher dose. I've slept most of the weekend. When I wasn't sleeping, I was dealing with the ex-husband.

It's snowy here with more snow on the way through mid-week. Hopefully, the ice will stay to the south and miss us. I HATE ice.

I was thinking about all of the crazy things I did in my younger days. I don't know how I survived, but I am surprised i'm not in eternal pain. One thing I learned when I was little and watching so many people I love die was to live life to the fullest and I sure did, especially when I went to college.

Actually, what brought me to thinking about my younger days was while I was reading a message board that I share with friends, we were talking about our problems with parents and what has helped us get through them. It's amazing how strong a human is in their most vulnerable and when they think they are weak. I have seen strength in people that can't see it in themselves and there aren't enough words to express to them how strong they have become. I've spent the last 7 years or so friends with these folks. They have been apart of my life through the best and worst times. They were my strength when I had none to continue on. They breathed life into me, when I had none. Their strength became mine. I am so lucky to have friends like them in my life. Even when we disagree and when we face the bad together, I know that they are as there for me as I am them.

I am amazed at the strength that a human being can have after enduring years of turmoil.

Stupidity of the day

I'm amazed at the level of stupidity I've encountered today. Few things surprise me, but today, I am in awe of how stupid some people are.

The first one is the story regarding a woman out of Iowa. You can read about it here. I can't believe they arrested her for a $13.95 book and she ended up paying $250 for her bond.

The second one tops all things stupid...at least for today. A local company that my family works for and I used to work for was recently sold to another company. This company has really cracked down on safety and even gave one of the guys there the extra job of being safety coordinator for the local branch. Today they received a big box that had another box that was completely empty! This was shipped via UPS which is rather costly. They claim this empty box was for the safety videos that they are shipping one-by-one to the branch, thus costing even more money considering they are shipping these via UPS next day.

What the heck were they thinking in spending all that money shipping two boxes that had nothing in it for videos they send one-by-one? No wonder they can't afford to give raises.


On a side note, I'm still dealing with wisdom tooth from hell. I woke up yesterday and every bone and muscle in my body was sore. I have no idea why I'm so dang sore.

Relieved, yet saddened.

I just spoke with a friend of mine who has a child that goes to Virginia Tech. There was a murder last night on campus and it happened in the building across from my friend's son's dorm. We waited for word about who and where because VT sent texts to the parents saying there was a murder at that building but they would not release the sex or name of the victim.

I'm so relieved that his son is ok and so sad that our college campuses are not safe for the students. I can't imagine how the family of the young woman feels. She had only been on campus two weeks before being murdered by a young man that she knew.

Seriously, what the fu.ck is wrong with people?

What have I done?

Saw this on To Baby and Beyond's blog and thought I'd participate. If you want to participate...Simply copy the list and cross out the ones you have done

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang/played a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Made a baby not live ones :(
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Hope

Yesterday was a historical event. For the first time in a long time I felt the wave of hope and togetherness. It had nothing to do with being Democrat, Republican, or Independent. It was about our country as a nation. I'm a cynic when it comes to politics and honestly didn't think that yesterday would be as BIG as it was, but watching the coverage and having updates from one of my cousins that was there, I was completely overwhelmed.

My family is full of people that have served and are serving in the military. I have numerous friends that have served and are serving. I have lost several people very dear to me because of war and terrorist attacks. I have seen the wounded and watched those that have been in the military struggle with what has happened. I've witnessed in very personal ways the core-shaking tragedies that made me the cynic.

I had lost hope in our country. I lost faith in our government and completely lost trust in the 'why' something was done. I seen the tears and the pain, the heartache that has plagued this country for so long. I was a proud American growing up. I was taught to love this country and fight for it if I had to. That freedom isn't free. My freedom was paid for by the blood of someone's loved ones.

I watched so many people yesterday and could feel the hope surge new life through this country. So many people had their faith restored as history was being made. It wasn't about politics, it was about our country coming together and wanting one thing...To be restored with hope. I know that if anything changes that it won't be overnight and it won't be urgent.

I'm still fighting this toothache. I can't get in to see a dentist until next week, so until then, I just have to bear it.

It could be worse.

So today, I was trying to do a relatively easy (for me) task that involved setting up a local band's set for their gig which would entertain a record label owner that I am friends with. Everything I did I either dropped, knocked over, or set up backwards. Of course, my colorful words were being muttered as I struggled doing this easy job.

After practically standing on my head for close to an hour plugging things in, setting things up, and picking things up I stood up to go meet the band and the label owner. I felt funny but figured it was because I had been bending over alot and still trying to recover from this infection. I had no idea what was going on until one of the guys asked me who hit me in my face.

I know I had to have had a confused look on my face because I looked at him wondering what the hell he was talking about. Seeing my confusion, the label owner that is a good friend of mine, told me to go look in a mirror.

Oh. My. God.

My wisdom tooth that has been trying to come in for about 10 years (literally!) has came in sideways and while in the process of all of the setting up, I must have been gritting and grinding my teeth. A very bad habit that I have been trying to work on, but shines through when I'm really stressed and miserable. The tooth is loose, but is not down far enough, to be pulled. It is not only coming in sideways, but has apparently been chipped while coming in and has a really sharp point that is pushing into the tooth next to it. So my face is swollen, not too bad, but enough to be noticed. Every muscle and nerve is so sore and my head is killing me. I've had the last few symptoms for a few days, but just thought it was because I have been sick and crying alot.

I went back out to talk to the guys before sound check and the place opening for the gig. One of them has a father-in-law that is a dentist so he called him and asked him what to do. Since the father-in-law was coming down for the gig, he told him that he'd bring a few tools and look at it beforehand and not charge me for it. That way I'd know what I'm dealing with.

I have no insurance and have not been working since the beginning of fall. If the tooth was in far enough to get a good grip to be pulled it would only cost me $150 or so, but since it isn't and it's sideways and pushing on this other tooth, there will have to be tons of extra dental work if I opt to have it pulled now instead of waiting a while longer for it to come in a little more. The only concerns that I have are infection since I"m already fighting one, I don't need more infection and I've had Bell's Palsey several times and am afriad that it made this problem worse than it should be or that the tooth problem will cause another case of it.. The dentist looked at it and told me that the way it looked that he would have to go in and and cut into my gums to pull the tooth and that was hoping that the roots hadn't grown around another tooth's roots or my jaw bone. If I opt to do this all on Monday, it would cost me at least $500 and not knowing the extent of what is going on without x-rays or any real sterile office exam, it could be closer to $1000 if it has damaged other teeth or my jaw bone. Since I'm already on some high powered anti-biotics, he seems to think that waiting would be ok as long as I rinse my mouth out quite a few times a day and take it easy on eating, grinding, and gritting my teeth. The only reason I didn't notice my tooth is hurting is because I have a high pain tolerance, but after someone looking and feeling up my face, I'm starting to feel it.

I look swell. I feel swell. My mind was not on my work after all of this and I'm glad to finally be home.

Coming to terms

Today was so hard. Every time I turned around I burst into tears. I couldn't focus on anything without tears running down my face.

It finally hit me when I was sitting here watching some television show. No more ultrasounds. No more weekly updates. No more looking at baby gear or planning what the nursery will look like.

They're gone.

I was supposed to spend the day with one of my best friends, but he had to bail to hang with his son. Then I was supposed to go out to Ladies Night, but I'm not up for all of that fun.

So here I am trying to figure out how to put how I feel into words and it isn't working so well. I think I may just curl up and watch some mindless TV.

The day the turntable quit

-10º,

That is how cold it was this morning. It is supposed to be -12 tomorrow morning. I haven't been warm all day.

I'm a music junkie. I can immerse myself in the music and get lost for hours. It is one of my escapes and a passion. I was fine today until my turntable quit. I had a really nice one when I was with my ex-husband and when we split, I couldn't afford a new one and he took the one we had, a nice expensive one, and gave it (along with the rest of the $500 stereo system that I was so proud to own) to a former friend of mine that was shacking up with him. So I bought this one used and it was in really good shape, but I have played it ALOT in the last few years. Today in the middle of one of my Maynard Ferguson album's, it stopped. Won't even turn on. I've repaired a few turntables (along with other music equipment while in college) so I took it apart and realized that the motor was fried. I am so angry that now I am not able to listen to my records and knowing that the all the money I'll have in the next three months is going to bills that have to be paid, I know it will be a while before I'll be able to replace it.

I don't know who I pissed off, but sheesh, enough already! I know this isn't life or death, but my music is such a part of me that it feels someone cut off a limb. I'm the crazy musician that doesn't leave home without her Ipod (and charger), a favorite cd's, a list of music I want or need, and a list of places, dates, and times of groups I want to hear, or music that I'm working on, just in case I have a few moments and/or (depending on what it is) a musical instrument.

Actually, I think I might start a blog about music. God knows I could write for days about it and never get tired. I'll have to think about that for a bit.

----------------
Listening to: The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
via FoxyTunes

Sometimes I wish I had a dream world...

The words I was expecting to hear today, I heard. We are still unsure how serious things are because we're not sure if the infection was there before we lost Dilana thus causing us to lose her to VTS and preventing her remains from being absorbed or if the infection was caused after we lost her to VTS and from her remains not being absorbed thus causing us to lose Thomas.

Confused yet?

My doctor seems to think that unless I have a miracle that getting pregnant and staying pregnant is just not going to happen. Not that I'm even attempting to try right now, but the reality of everything does not look good. He has me scheduled for more tests, hopefully the infection will get better and they can look at the cysts.

I'm so lost right now...I can't even begin to describe how I feel.



----------------
Listening to: Kiefer Sutherland - Knockin' On Heaven's Door
via FoxyTunes

Baby S January 14, 2006

3 years ago today I lost Baby S, my 3rd child.

I miss you my sweet angel. You are surrounded by your siblings and I know you are watching over me. I wonder if you would have a been a boy or a girl. I wonder what you would have looked like. I wonder what your personality would be like. I wonder what your laugh would sound like. I ache to hold you just once and tell you my sweet dear child that I love you more than you'll ever know.

I had only known that you were in my body 10 days before you were gone. I loved being pregnant. I loved every second of it. The morning sickness, the sensitive boobs, the hormones, the knowing that you, my sweet child, were my miracle I wasn't even expecting to have.

Then you were gone, as fast as you had came into my life. I will never forget you and our very brief period of bonding.

I love you Baby S and not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

Broken

I got a call late this afternoon. My doctor wants to see me tomorrow. He's really concerned that I am still running a fever and the signs of infection haven't started to disappear.

This means two things...that when we lost Dilana to VTS that it wasn't a normal case and she didn't even begin to absorb into my system like she was supposed to and that this could very well be the result of something bigger.

I know in my gut what he will tell me. I know that my dream of having my own biological children just won't happen unless there is a miracle. I know that whatever this infection is and whatever has caused things to go horribly wrong is serious and not 'just' PCOS. I know that even with fertility treatments that my dream will not come true.

I feel it deep in my spirit that my only other dream left that hadn't been stolen from me is shattered. I fully expect bad news tomorrow. I fully expect to hear those words I so don't want to hear.

I would adopt tomorrow if I could, but that just isn't financially possible. I just don't have the financial security I need to pass any home study and with the situation with my ex-husband, that may not change for years.

For the first time in a very long time, I want my mom. She would understand what I am going through. I was the wanted and miracle baby. I often wonder why God blessed her and my father with me only for her to die a few years later. She would understand me without judgment and hold me. Things would have been so totally different if she was alive. Don't get me wrong, my father is a wonderful man and so supportive, but when it comes to this, he can't completely understand.

I had someone at the funeral home tell me that 'at least I didn't have my babies and then lose them'. What the hell? I know this woman and I know that her feelings really came out wrong when she said it, but it would have been best if she had just hugged me and kept her 'at least' to herself.

Don't ever use the words 'at least' when you are giving someone support.

I went to see my father at work to drop off a few things. While I was there, I got to see A and her beautiful baby girl. She is the one that was born 2 months early because A's body was shutting down. They are both in really good health and were able to be home before the holidays. So very tiny and beautiful. A true miracle and so happy. I figured I'd fall apart, but I was able to hold it together until I left since A doesn't know I was pregnant. She kept telling me how lucky her and D are to have come through the last two months and have such a healthy and happy baby girl.

She has no idea just how lucky she is.

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Listening to: Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken
via FoxyTunes

Coming home

I keep glancing over at the dresser where my babies are. As wrong as it felt splitting their ashes between K and I, I now feel that it was the right thing to do. It still bothers me, but I watched him when they handed him his urn. He held it so lovingly with tears streaming down his face. All he could do was whisper a thank you and stare what remains of his baby boy and girl. He asked me about a hundred times if I was sure that I was ok with their ashes being split up between us and for the first time I was able to answer honestly. His tear stained face met mine while he was holding their ashes, and he asked me one last time before we left the funeral home. I silently answered yes, but he could see for the first time that I truly meant it. A wave of relief washed over him and he grabbed my hand and held it as we sobbed while holding our own urn in the our other arms.

I don't know what the future holds and I know that my grief is still so fresh and raw. I didn't realize how hard it was not knowing where they were and what was being done with them over the last few weeks. They weren't inside me or with me and it worried me.

My twins, my beautiful Thomas Craig and Dilana Harmony are home. There won't be diaper changes or feedings or the sweet sounds of their cries. All I have is their ashes and broken dreams.

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive. All of you hold a special place in my heart.

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Listening to: Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven
via FoxyTunes

It just doesn't get easier

I've been trying to keep myself busy with all types of things. Trying hard to keep my mind off of the pain and grief that seems to wash over me at the most inconvenient times.

We get their ashes back on Tuesday. I'm not extremely comfortable with K getting half and me getting half, it feels so wrong to split their ashes up between us. I do understand that he needs them as much as I do. We broke down when we went in to sit with their little containers. I was bad, but I didn't realize until then just how hard he is taking it. Poor guy just curled into my arms and fell apart.

None of this seems real. I was never able to be with my babies when I miscarried until now. I'll never be able to hold them. I'll never see any of their firsts or watch them live out their dreams. I'll never get to kiss their boo-boos and cry with them when their heartbreaks.

All I'll have is their ashes, the ultrasound photos, the sounds of their little heartbeats, the memories of feeling Tommy move slightly, and the positive pregnancy test with the knowledge that everything that the future holds will be empty without them.

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Listening to: Jeff Buckley - Dream Brother
via FoxyTunes

Share Southern Vermont

Mainly because I don't have it in me to blog tonight, I thought I'd link to the Share Southern Vermont blog.

http://sharesouthernvermont.blogspot.com/

It is a great group and they work very hard to help those that are mourning their little ones. Their first meeting is Wednesday, January 14th at 7pm
HCRS Building in North Springfield, VT.

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Listening to: Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye
via FoxyTunes

Haertbroken

My babies, Thomas Craig and Dilana Harmony, are being cremated.

I can't do much typing right now because I can't see the monitor, but we found today that I miscarried because of an infection that was caused by Dilana's remains not absorbing into my body after I lost her to VTS.

It's been a rough few days, complete with a sick dog.

Today just reminded me how much I dislike doctors.

I'm so disgusted with my doctors right now I could scream. I went in today for tests thinking it would be a complete blood work-up, urine, pelvic, and possibly an x-ray because since I fell my tailbone has been killing me and I've cracked it before. But no, add to that a schedule to have a cat scan and an ultrasound. So I have to go back on Wednesday to get those done since I didn't have time to do all of the tests today.

I do have an infection and at least three cysts on my ovaries.

Enough about that, I'm just disgusted that they (the doctors and hospital) still don't have their act together after spending millions of dollars in making their facilities better.

The parking sucks. I used to be able to park within a block of the facility. If I can't park at the clinics, I have to park at the damn hospital which is a good mile walk away. A real bitch if you are on crutches, alone, and when it's snow/icy out.

The wait after you get checked in is at least two hours and at least 30 minutes once they call you back to a room.

They've totally screwed up my billing since my divorce. No insurance and it doesn't go to the ex-husband. How hard is that? I'm on a payment plan with so much paid at the appointment and afterward, I never see a dang bill. If you want your money, send ME the bill. Not my ex-husband. Not my paternal grandparents who are deceased. Not a former insurance company. TO ME. It really makes me NOT want to pay you if I receive a call from my ex-husband giving me grief. It causes problems, major problems. Problems that usually send me back to the doctor/hospital. And what the hell is with sending my bills to my deceased paternal grandparents home? I have a hunch, but when the addresses are in two different cities, I'd think you'd get a clue and maybe some tact since you have been told on more than one occasion that both are not living.

Get a clue, you have enough of my money so I know you could buy one.

There was something else I was going to blog about, but for the life of me can't remember. Guess I'll be back when I remember.

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Listening to: Justin Dillon & Rocco DeLuca - I Am an Abolitionist (Live)
via FoxyTunes

What a day.

I went to the family dinner (different side of the family so no snotty cousin) and I might as well stayed home. The only ones that treated me like a human was the three cousins that are leaving. I stayed for a while, but after it was abundantly clear that I was being ignored because no one knew what to say to me, I came home.

I was sitting here for about an hour trying to figure out why people act like that, even though some of them have lost babies of their own and there was a knock at the door. I was shocked to open the door and see these three cousins standing there, with food and several gifts.

It took me a minute to overcome the tears. They spent the last few hours of their time here at home with me. Crying and laughing we reminisced about our childhood and talked about the present. They gently asked about the babies and expressed thier disgust in how our families acted earlier. Then they gave me the gifts. One was a gift certificate to go to the local jeweler and have my finger sized for the mother's ring they bought me. With all five of my babies birthstones and it will be engraved with at least the name of Thomas Craig and if they find out the sex of the other twin, his/her name. They picked out the style and told the jeweler what the situation was and he told them that he could set the stones and engrave the one name and when I came in and found out the rest, then he would size it and if possible engrave another name.

I'm still dumbfounded over that gift.

Then they told me that there will be a package that will arrive after everything settles down. They are having a local glass maker blow something with 5 angels. They wanted it to be a surprise, but since it will be so fragile they wanted me to know when that package comes to be gentle.

I'm overwhelmed at their kindness and love. Today was supposed to be about them, but they did as they always do and made it about someone else. They will never know how much it meant to me to just have them here to hang out like we used to and how wonderful it felt to not feel like I was being avoided or ignored because I lost my precious babies. That was the best gift of all.

I hate it when the small things send me into sobs.

I looked at my blog page for the first time since I lost the babies. I removed the big ticker at the top, but had forgot that I still had a small ticker at the bottom. I just can't bring myself to remove it.

I got a newsletter for one of the sites I belong to that tell me what to expect at 17 weeks...

Emptiness, bleeding, sobbing, and grief isn't in it.

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Listening to: Aerosmith - Dream On
via FoxyTunes

Did you ever know you're my hero?

We had a dinner for my cousin who is back her from Ft. Hood. We always have something for him before he leaves. It gets harder and harder. He's been deployed twice and is getting ready to be deployed again. This time if he is still deployed when his re-enlistment date comes up they will automatically reenlist him. He wants out, though.

I come from a family full of people in the military. I have alot of friends that are in the military. At one time about 18 months ago, I had 17 people in my life that were deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan.

Saying goodbye before they leave doesn't get easier and you always have the last memory in your head of them standing there waving with tears running down their face. You wait patiently, praying for their safe return and dodging the news because you can't forget the day in November 2003 when you watched it and a close friend of yours Blackhawk crashed. You saw the wreckage on CNN and the local news. You prayed it wasn't someone you cared about and knowing that praying meant it was someone's loved one. Then a few hours later you hear the news, that it was your friend. That he was coming home in a bodybag.

It was the first time I ever lost anyone that I knew to a war. I had been raised around veterans and have always been so involved in veteran's events and rallies regarding POW/MIAs. I knew the cost too well from the stories, photos, videos, and books these extended family members had.

That day I stopped watching the news. Every time a story came on about a soldier being killed, I would turn it off. I've lost three others that I was close with in this war. It doesn't get easier and saying goodbye to those that are still in the military that are being deployed gets harder and out of all of the memories I have, the one that will always stick out in my mind is the departure...them walking away or me driving away with tears streaming down their faces and the words 'I love you and come back safe.' whirring around my head. That feeling of my heart being in my stomach begins...

I get to do this all over again tomorrow when we say goodbye to three more cousins. Two (brothers) will be deployed within the month and the other is going in for more training.

My Heroes....

I know one of you reads my blog occassionally and that you don't have time to post comments, but I want you to know A. that you are one of my heroes. Be safe and know that I love you. Be safe, kid and remember the rubber ducky is on his way.


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Listening to: Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings
via FoxyTunes



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Listening to: Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah
via FoxyTunes

I have to have a long talk with one of my bff's on Monday. I've been avoiding it because he has been through so much in the last few months and has been so supportive when he didn't have to.

But his daughter has moved away, she's an adult and is living with family who got her a good job so she can go to school. She's 10 hours from her parents.

I've tried so hard to point out to him how lucky he is. How lucky they are that they were able to have her home for 19 years. How lucky they are that they got to watch her be born, have all of her firsts, through the laughter and tears, scraped knees and broken hearts, through her infant, toddler, child, pre-teen, and teen years, her every success and failure, and to be able to marvel at how mature she is, how good of a kid she is, how she was able to graduate and now they get to see their success in raising her. To watch her go out in the world and follow her dreams, find out who she really is, to get married and have kids.

But, the last two weeks, he hasn't been there for me. I understand why he hasn't. It isn't that. It is the fact that he is comparing his living, adult daughter leaving home to me losing my babies. I know how hard it is for him, I really do. I was that daughter, daddy's little girl, that left home 12 years ago. I know how hard it is and how difficult it was for my father. I also know he doesn't see how his comparison makes me feel...how different his situation is from mine and that his loss isn't the same as mine. Not to mention the fact that they have a son at home and for a while, it has been all about their daughter leaving.

I have to tell him that for our friendship, I have to take a step back and that if we continue to talk and hang right now that him and his wife can't compare or expect me to talk about my loss. Because if we approach the subject and in a weak moment my loss is compared to theirs, I might just lose my composure and explode...that they STILL have a living daughter and son, and that her being away from home is difficult, but not the same as being dead. Because no matter how you think it feels or you think you understand, you don't understand unless you have been there. I wouldn't wish losing a child on anyone and I don't want them to understand how this feels.

It isn't the same...I will never get to hold my babies. I will never get to hear their cries or change their diapers. I will never have anything regarding a living child with my twins. I will never be able to pick up a phone to tell them I love them or to get on a plane or in a car to go and see them. I will never get to see how their lives would be because they will never get to live them. I will never have memories of them growing up or leaving home. I will never be that lucky to have them grow up and become independent.

They don't get how lucky they are and as much as I want to be there for them right now, I just can't. They don't want to hear how lucky they are or that as painful as it is for their kid to leave home, that they taught her right and prepared her for this. They don't want to hear that she's just a phone call or drive away. That they still have her and they will still get to see her and talk to her. I know it's hard and heartbreaking.

And I can't hear that it's the same as my loss.

So for the sake of our friendship, I have to have this talk. I have to put this out there, as hard as it is, that I can't take hearing the comparison. That if it continues it will most likely ruin our friendship. I want to support them right now, but it has to work both ways and it isn't fair to compare the situations or act that one is worse than the other. I've never ever made my problems worse than my friends'. I've always kept our problems separate and never compared them. Until he compared them a few days ago. I can be supportive, but there just can't be any more of the 'we both lost our kids at the same time' . Two separate losses and two separate conversations. It can't be entertwined any more.

I dread this conversation. I hate the fact that I have to bring this up. I hate that I feel like this. I hate the fact that it could hurt our friendship, but I have to do it before I say something in a moment of grief that would end our friendship.

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Listening to: Stone Sour - Through Glass
via FoxyTunes

How horrible.

I was doing so good today. Until I came online to check email and saw the headline about John Travolta's son, Jett, dying after a seizure. I've been sobbing for four hours. My heart, what's left of it, breaks for their family.

No parent should have to outlive their child. Ever.

What a crappy beginning to 2009.


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Listening to: Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven
via FoxyTunes

When is it time to stop trying to have conceive and carry full term?

This question has been something I'm trying to answer. K, the twins' daddy and my doctor have asked me if I have considered what happens next. I don't know. I don't even know all of my options yet, especially health wise.

So, Monday, I'm going in for a check-up. My BP is still rather high, although not as high as it was. I'm still having problems relating to the pregnancy/miscarriages, so he wants to make sure I don't get an infection and to make sure nothing more serious is wrong, thus causing the miscarriages. We won't have all of the answers, yet, since the results from the tests they are doing my babies' remains are done, but it will be a start. These are my first babies that they are running any tests on after the D&C. The other miscarriages were so early that the doctor didn't feel it was necessary.

So, what happens next? When is it time to stop trying to conceive and carry full term? Is 5 miscarriages enough to go through before giving up on trying to have my own baby?

I'm not sure I want to know the answers to those questions. I'm afraid there is more to this than what we know. I admit I know very little about fertility doctors and drugs. At this point, I'm not sure that will even be an opttion when I'm ready to try again.

There is one thing that seems to be staring me in the face, haunting what dreams I do have when I can finally get to sleep, and something I haven't even been able to say outloud may end up being a reality before I can even begin to come to terms with it. What happens if I can't (concieve, carry to term, etc) have kids, unless I adopt? Which right now, isn't even an option because of the mess with my ex-husband and that may take several years to get it taken care of.

How do you come to terms with your body not being able to do the one thing it should be able to do? If God didn't want me to be a mother, then why make me a woman and give me that burning desire to have a baby?

Ugh. I can't believe I'm even having to think about this, much less face it right now.

Happy New Year

I just want to wish everyone a very healthy, prosperous, and Happy New Year. May this year bring you everything your heart desires and may we see a baby boom in the families that are so desperately trying to have babies.

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. Dangerous, I know. I know I can't really begin to heal until after my babies' remains are released (probably next week because they are backed up due to the holidays.) I have come to terms with that, even though I'm not a very patient person when it comes to things like this. The waiting, whether it is in a hospital with a sick or injured person, or the time between a death and the final dealings of the funeral and estate, is hell for me. Always has been draining on me. Hospitals and funeral homes were almost a third home for me (mine was first, my grandparent's was second). I had a friend tell me I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I don't think anyone ever gets used to being around sickness and death. Back to the topic at hand, I believe once we get the remains and cremate them, then I can start to heal.

I am going to lose weight. I got a head start the last week or so. I'm going to be putting aside $1 (Hell, maybe even $5) a pound and will hopefully lose at least 100 pounds. I've struggled with my weight since I was a kid. A big comfort eater. Anyway, I will be donating the money to some worthy cause. It is a big motivation for me because losing weight is hard for me. Metabolism issues and if I look at food, I gain a pound. So I will have to excercise more than most.

I've been rather busy, too. There are two elderly family members that are not doing well. One is in her late 90s and has been beating, harassing, cussing, and all of the other things that go along with Alzheimer's to her caretaker. She's really failed in the last few months. To the point where it is time for the nursing home. It is sad because I know her caregiver, another elderly family member, wants to keep her at home, but since she's determined to throw herself down when she doesn't get her way and that she's convinced that the caregiver is trying to poison her and not take her medication, I don't see how she can stay at home and receive the proper care she needs without the danger of her beating the caregiver with her cane (which I know has happened at least once.) So within the next week or two, we will be trying to get her into a nursing home.

I found out that little miss snotty cousin of mine is due the day after my birthday. I'm torn on that because it would be neat (and absolutely kill my cousin and her hubby) if the baby is born on my birthday, but I don't know if I could stand to look at the child at birthday parties and relive that pain on my birthday (which is bad enough because something bad ALWAYS happens on my birthday). I'm just not sure I can handle the extra pain of knowing my babies, should be a month older and should be celebrating everything along with hers.

There I said it. I hate thinking it, but I do.

I have already decided that this child will be getting lots of noisy presents...complete with messy things and battery operated items where the screw that holds the battery compartments is stripped. Being musically inclined, I already have a set of drums, whistles, etc that I bought for when I substituted and gave lesons and since I don't use it any more, it might as well make someone happy. (I know it will take a few years for the baby to grow into it, but the 'evil' cousin is going to spoil that kid rotten and give mom and dad a real reason to be assholes to me.)

Now I'm off to research some charities that I want to donate money to in my twins' names (once and hopefully we find out if the other twin was a boy or a girl.)

Love to those who have been there for me. Your support means the world to me. Thank you so much.