Broken

I got a call late this afternoon. My doctor wants to see me tomorrow. He's really concerned that I am still running a fever and the signs of infection haven't started to disappear.

This means two things...that when we lost Dilana to VTS that it wasn't a normal case and she didn't even begin to absorb into my system like she was supposed to and that this could very well be the result of something bigger.

I know in my gut what he will tell me. I know that my dream of having my own biological children just won't happen unless there is a miracle. I know that whatever this infection is and whatever has caused things to go horribly wrong is serious and not 'just' PCOS. I know that even with fertility treatments that my dream will not come true.

I feel it deep in my spirit that my only other dream left that hadn't been stolen from me is shattered. I fully expect bad news tomorrow. I fully expect to hear those words I so don't want to hear.

I would adopt tomorrow if I could, but that just isn't financially possible. I just don't have the financial security I need to pass any home study and with the situation with my ex-husband, that may not change for years.

For the first time in a very long time, I want my mom. She would understand what I am going through. I was the wanted and miracle baby. I often wonder why God blessed her and my father with me only for her to die a few years later. She would understand me without judgment and hold me. Things would have been so totally different if she was alive. Don't get me wrong, my father is a wonderful man and so supportive, but when it comes to this, he can't completely understand.

I had someone at the funeral home tell me that 'at least I didn't have my babies and then lose them'. What the hell? I know this woman and I know that her feelings really came out wrong when she said it, but it would have been best if she had just hugged me and kept her 'at least' to herself.

Don't ever use the words 'at least' when you are giving someone support.

I went to see my father at work to drop off a few things. While I was there, I got to see A and her beautiful baby girl. She is the one that was born 2 months early because A's body was shutting down. They are both in really good health and were able to be home before the holidays. So very tiny and beautiful. A true miracle and so happy. I figured I'd fall apart, but I was able to hold it together until I left since A doesn't know I was pregnant. She kept telling me how lucky her and D are to have come through the last two months and have such a healthy and happy baby girl.

She has no idea just how lucky she is.

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Listening to: Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken
via FoxyTunes