Rough week

I really don't know what to say. I feel all talked out. It looks like next week or so we'll be helping my cousin move. He's been here for a few days. I'm the only one that allows him to talk at his own will. I don't ask any major questions and I've been making him 'light' food so he'll eat because I know he won't if I didn't make it and put it in front of him.

Apparently his wife has been cheating on him since before they were married. They've been together 2 1/2 years, living together for the bigger part of it and married for several months of it. She wanted a new house and a baby and has been shacking up with some guy that has kids by his ex-wife and one woman pregnant plus her. My cousin knows the guy, they all work together. He's a known woman beater.

So I'm trying to get him to get a lawyer even though her and him agreed to be fair in the divorce. I was a sucker when my ex pulled that one on me and like I told my family, if they will pull one fast one, they'll pull a second especially if there is money involved. I also am begging him to go get tested for HIV and other diseases. Who knows how many guys she screwed and how many partners they've had. Even if there is a disease, they can catch it early and at least protect himself from further damage.

He's scared and in shock. She's told him that he's a wonderful guy (no shit, one of the best!) and that it wasn't him. She just wasn't satisfied (apparently if you fuck everything that moves!) and hadn't been for a while. Um...you've only been married less than a year, you don't just fall out of love or become unsatisfied. You talk about it. He doesn't understand (and neither do I) why someone would supposedly love you then just decide one day that they want to leave...no talk, no warning, nothing. I don't know how to answer that. I wish I did, since I've been asking the same question for over 4 years. Although, my ex blames me for EVERYTHING, including his dad (whom was 850 miles away) getting ill and dying.

I pray to GOD she isn't pregnant and she has been lying about being off birth control. She is following her mom's footsteps and running away when things got serious and rough...only her mom left the kids behind. If it is a clean break with no children, then it will be better for everyone involved. Considering they've been trying for almost a year for a baby and absolutely no luck, then I hope she just lied and stayed on the pill. I know that's a mean thing to say, but no child should be born into this. She doesn't know what the hell she wants and she's already tore one person's life upside down...not to mention her family and his family that had NO idea what was going on.

So we've made headway on what's going on and what he wants. It's over, he's already decided there will be no second chance or reconciliation. He wants to move because he moved into the house with her and proposed to her there. So we're looking into other places and hopefully will get him moved within the week. Everyone else wants to push everything at once. They don't understand that he's in shock. He'll be in shock for a while. He'll need support for a while and this isn't just going to go away because someone said to move on.

I've tried to plead with them that unless you have been through it, you have no idea. It isn't like just breaking up with a boyfriend or even a fiance (I've done both, by the way.) You've made that commitment with someone that you intended on being with for the rest of your life. Someone you love, someone you would do anything for, and someone you never wanted to live without. He, like me, took it seriously. He was in it for the long haul. He, .like me, doesn't understand why our spouses felt the need to lead a double life and lie to our faces, planning for a future they didn't want. It doesn't go away because mom or dad or sis or grandma tells you that life goes on.

His sister (the pregnant cruel cousin of mine from hell) came to see him. I really didn't want her here, but this isn't about me. She had the nerve to make it about herself. That they were supposed to have kids at the same time and now she was stuck being pregnant and it was all our fault. I gritted my teeth, my fist clenched, I wanted so badly to punch her in her little smug smarmy face. But focusing on this not being about me...I let her ramble knowing he'd get pissed and tell her to leave. Which he did. Telling her she was being disrespectful and selfish.

It's so odd. We have always been close, like brothers and sisters. I could tell his brother anything. I could never tell his sister anything. I had to be selective of what I said to him. Even when I went through my separation and divorce, he thought I should just get over it and move on...he had never had his heart broken. I have little family I'm close with, but I was close with them. I grew up with them like we were siblings.

Today, with tears in his eyes. That little boy I used to play cops and robbers with. The one that always was laid back and taking it all in came through. He finally said to me he was sorry for not seeing my pain for what it was. He finally got it. There are no words to fix the heartache and pain. No words at all. I"m horribly concerned that he is slipping into a depression and will choose a hard road to deal with this. Rejection sucks. Divorce sucks. Being told 'I don't love you' sucks. His brother asked why I was going above and beyond and being super over-protective of him and my only reply was to keep him alive until he gets through shock and can actually start dealing with this. No one else in the family has been separated or divorced and no one else gets the fog you're in until the shock wears off. I had someone be my rock when I was so lost...I wouldn't be here with that person. He's grieving. I get that and just wish others did, too.

I have been upset all week between not feeling well, the one month anniversary of the D&C, this whole thing with their separation, and reading dear sweet Tues.day's horrible news. I'm a mess. I'm a fixer. I'm a nurturer. I'm a caregiver. Yet, I can't make fix anything or make any of that heartache better. I know that my reaction to everything is magnified that much more by my own pain.

When this is over, I'm going on vacation. I don't know where, but I know it will be far away from here.