I have been on a blogging hiatus. Life has just been overwhelming and no matter how many times I tried to write something, I just couldn't find the right words.
I am a caretaker. 25 years ago when I was a child, I never dreamed that I would be taking care of a parent....much less that my parent would be single because we lost the other one years ago. I never dreamed that my life would be on hold...that my marriage would end and I wouldn't have a family of my own. I never dreamed that I wouldn't be able to continue my schooling or continue on to a career that I had dreamed about. I never dreamed that I would have sleepless nights and long days with endless amounts of attention to medical appointments, medical bill, medical insurance, and a strict schedule for oodles of medication.
I certainly never dreamed that my parent would need my constant attention that would make me feel like the parent of a child that is failing.
I always dreamed of being a mother and watching my children grow and succeed. I always dreamed that I would watch numerous accomplishments and a blossoming life.
Instead I am watching a man that was always my superman fail in his mind and body. I am watching him slowly die a painful death that cannot be stopped. I am watching him slowly lose himself and he knows he is losing himself....which is scary and sad for both of us.
I spend countless nights dealing with medical stuff. I pay the mounting bills and figure out what goes out when. I go through meds, taking time to figure out what we have plenty of, what needs to be refilled, what needs to be dug out of the medication containers to replace empty or nearly empty bottles. I go through blood sugar and blood pressure readings and try to figure out what was ate or what was done to cause high rises or low falls. I go through the calendar to figure out appointments, which are now several a month. I lie awake thinking about the past and worrying about the future...knowing our path and what his choices are. I may not like them, but I support what he wants 100%. I look for symptoms of the diseases progressing...I try to be fair. Not blind like I want to be, but not completely crazy thinking every little thing is something horrible. I make tons of lists to keep me sane in this horrible journey. Sometimes I end up being a little insane and crazy.
Sometimes the world seems to be falling around me and nothing I do is helping.
I am not new to caretaking. This is my life. Not the one I envisioned, but one I wouldn't trade. It is hard being a caretaker. It is difficult to take care of someone you love...the one person that has stuck beside you through everything...mistakes and all. It is so suffocating watching that person die and knowing that short of a miracle, that death will be slow and full of suffering. I don't wish that on anyone.
I have been criticized because I am labeled lazy and a mooch. That I am just waiting for the last living family member of mine in my immediate family to take his last breaths.
There is no money...much to other's beliefs. I gave up everything to be here, to keep him at home as long as possible. I watch him fail daily. I face every morning with the fear that this will be our last day. I go to bed every night with the fear that I will be awaken with a horror scene. I see his memory fade. I see his health make it where he can't do what he used to. I have to step up and set limits...as mean and cruel as it may seem so it causes no harm to others. I hate seeing his freedom fade. He fought for our freedom and he is losing his.
It fucking sucks.
I have been accused of mistreating him and wanting to throw him into the nursing home. I live with the fear that I will have to put him because I can no longer take care of him. I neglect myself so he has his medications and appointments. Most of all...none of these people that are butting in pay the bills or take care of him when he is so confused. They certainly don't spend the 5 times a day making sure he has his medications. It angers me because I see none of them here when he is fragile and weak and needs care, but they think they have the right to tell me how to run this household and his care.
I would do anything to keep him healthy, but I can't. There is nothing I can do to fix this. I weep silently daily knowing every moment I have with him is precious. I weep for the fact that I am lucky to have this time with him. I weep for the future that I know will leave me alone. I feel guilt when I pray that he doesn't suffer like most do in the final stages of his diseases. I weep knowing that if he lives longer than we expect that his mind will be worse than his body....but I weep that he is dying a death that he doesn't deserve and there is very little that can be done about it.
I am not perfect. I don't claim to be. I am not the world's most patient caretaker. I am not ready for this journey that we have been on and will continue until the end. I am not ready to face the endless time in hospitals and decisions that will have to be made. I am not ready to say good-bye like I have several times before when we thought we were losing him.
My heart hurts and my stomach is in knots. Tears flow from my eyes while I desperately try to be strong and brave and not allow anyone to see it. I am tired of losing people I love. I am so tired of watching them suffer before they die. I try to prepare myself for the pain and the uncertainty the future holds but I know with each passing day as it belts me like a ton of bricks that you simply can't prepare for someone to die, no matter how hard you try. Months and years ahead...such a long journey, I have no idea how to travel on this path and still keep my sanity.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Bitchslaps and Eskimo Kisses
I have been busy... And exhausted and just plain sick. But after reading The Spit's list of 8 Things only parents can do, I see red. It's bullshit... Plain and simple. This woman that wrote it needs a reality check and possibly a nice bitchslap... Kinda like I felt when I read it.
I am not normally a violent person but if she is truly that ignorant then God help us if she truly procreated.
And for the record, I am not a parent of children on this earth and I still have done all of these.
I recently had a little one (I consider her my neice) stay with us for her first real vacation longer than a week and without her parents. She was an absolute angel. Absolutely no problems and only 2 minor meltdowns when she got tired and a bit homesick for her mama. I expected it and we made it through it within 10 minutes and some cuddles. Still, I have took care of many little ones that had issues and were exhausting with their attitudes. I love them all, but this little girl was an angel, even with potty training. It was a near perfect week.
But I spent some time watching her and wondering about my angel babies... 2 of which would near her in age. It hurts... Even when she would catch a glimpse of a tear streaming down my face and her sweet tender hearted little self would run over to me, throw her little arms around me, and plant a kiss on my cheek. She would then tell me I am her Eskimo Kisses and that she loves me.
God help me...
I showed her what her great aunt, my late mother, taught me... How to eskimo kiss. I had dreamed of teaching my own children but...
My soul is full of love and someday I will tell her just how much her love means and that it saved me at a time that my heart, soul, and body is so broken and some days just waking up takes more effort than I have.
I am not normally a violent person but if she is truly that ignorant then God help us if she truly procreated.
And for the record, I am not a parent of children on this earth and I still have done all of these.
I recently had a little one (I consider her my neice) stay with us for her first real vacation longer than a week and without her parents. She was an absolute angel. Absolutely no problems and only 2 minor meltdowns when she got tired and a bit homesick for her mama. I expected it and we made it through it within 10 minutes and some cuddles. Still, I have took care of many little ones that had issues and were exhausting with their attitudes. I love them all, but this little girl was an angel, even with potty training. It was a near perfect week.
But I spent some time watching her and wondering about my angel babies... 2 of which would near her in age. It hurts... Even when she would catch a glimpse of a tear streaming down my face and her sweet tender hearted little self would run over to me, throw her little arms around me, and plant a kiss on my cheek. She would then tell me I am her Eskimo Kisses and that she loves me.
God help me...
I showed her what her great aunt, my late mother, taught me... How to eskimo kiss. I had dreamed of teaching my own children but...
My soul is full of love and someday I will tell her just how much her love means and that it saved me at a time that my heart, soul, and body is so broken and some days just waking up takes more effort than I have.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Leibster Award
The Liebster is a blog award for up and coming bloggers.
RULES
This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.
1. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.
2. Then, create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.
3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.
4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.
5. No tag backs.
5. No tag backs.
Thank you To Bubba's Mommy for nominating me.
I shall answer the questions set, and nominate more bloggers. Thank you so much.
1. What do you hope 2013 will be like for you? Peaceful...no illnesses or fighting. No more deaths.
2. If you could give advice to any other grieving parent, what would it be? Grief is natural...everyone grieves differently and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There are many people that are grieving...don't hesitate to reach out for support to those that may share the same type of grief as you.
3. When you are upset, what brings you most comfort? My faith, music, and writing.
4. if there was a house fire, what objects would you rescue first? Photos, important papers, musical instruments.
5. What quotes can you most relate to? "Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none." - William Shakespeare; "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy; "You know, sometimes you have to go through something to find out why you did it." - Kiefer Sutherland in I Trust You to Kill Me; "Never let anybody tell you that's the wrong way, 'cause there's really no wrong way. Once you realize that, the ceiling lifts off of the house and you can do anything that you like." ~Rocco DeLuca
6. If you could move to anywhere in the world, where would it be? I would love to travel, but not sure about moving...right now, would love to live in New Mexico/Colorado area.
7. Describe a perfect day? I've never had a perfect day.
8. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? My cynicism and jaded views and the fact that I am so used to sickness and death that I just expect it.
9. Why do you blog? I blog to get things out. To journal, without criticism and without the looks and awkwardness of people who just want me to move on.
10. What 'words' has someone said to you that has stayed in your mind and won't leave? (good or bad) Did you cry? Why can't you move on? Why are you such a failure? No baby would want you for a mother.
11. Will you let me know that you have entered this competition and answered these questions? I'd love to know xx Yes
2. If you could give advice to any other grieving parent, what would it be? Grief is natural...everyone grieves differently and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There are many people that are grieving...don't hesitate to reach out for support to those that may share the same type of grief as you.
3. When you are upset, what brings you most comfort? My faith, music, and writing.
4. if there was a house fire, what objects would you rescue first? Photos, important papers, musical instruments.
5. What quotes can you most relate to? "Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none." - William Shakespeare; "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy; "You know, sometimes you have to go through something to find out why you did it." - Kiefer Sutherland in I Trust You to Kill Me; "Never let anybody tell you that's the wrong way, 'cause there's really no wrong way. Once you realize that, the ceiling lifts off of the house and you can do anything that you like." ~Rocco DeLuca
6. If you could move to anywhere in the world, where would it be? I would love to travel, but not sure about moving...right now, would love to live in New Mexico/Colorado area.
7. Describe a perfect day? I've never had a perfect day.
8. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? My cynicism and jaded views and the fact that I am so used to sickness and death that I just expect it.
9. Why do you blog? I blog to get things out. To journal, without criticism and without the looks and awkwardness of people who just want me to move on.
10. What 'words' has someone said to you that has stayed in your mind and won't leave? (good or bad) Did you cry? Why can't you move on? Why are you such a failure? No baby would want you for a mother.
11. Will you let me know that you have entered this competition and answered these questions? I'd love to know xx Yes
Here are my nominations. I love reading these blogs...these ladies make me feel like I'm not alone in this lonely world. Again, thank you to Bubba's Mommy at My Bubba for nominating me...much love to you. xxx
Annalee at Happiness at the Core
Astral at It is Written in The Stars Above
SM at Unexplained Rantings
Jenn At Future Fords
Ksirahsirah at Ksirahsirah
Rebecca at Life of an Army Wife
Azara at Tesseract
Serenity at Serenity Now
Tutti at Submerged
Daryl at Something out of Nothing
Yo-yo Mama at Yo-yo Mama
My questions for my nominees...
1. Why do you blog?
2. What do you wish for 2013?
3. What brings you peace and comfort?
4. What is your favorite song/group?
5. What speaks to your soul?
6. If you are a grieving parent, what advice do you have other grieving parents?
7. What quotes can you most relate to?
8. What is your perfect day?
9. What do you do to keep the memory of your angel baby/babies alive? (again, for grieving parents)
10. Do you have a favorite spot? If so, where and why?
11. What is your favorite movie?
Annalee at Happiness at the Core
Astral at It is Written in The Stars Above
SM at Unexplained Rantings
Jenn At Future Fords
Ksirahsirah at Ksirahsirah
Rebecca at Life of an Army Wife
Azara at Tesseract
Serenity at Serenity Now
Tutti at Submerged
Daryl at Something out of Nothing
Yo-yo Mama at Yo-yo Mama
My questions for my nominees...
1. Why do you blog?
2. What do you wish for 2013?
3. What brings you peace and comfort?
4. What is your favorite song/group?
5. What speaks to your soul?
6. If you are a grieving parent, what advice do you have other grieving parents?
7. What quotes can you most relate to?
8. What is your perfect day?
9. What do you do to keep the memory of your angel baby/babies alive? (again, for grieving parents)
10. Do you have a favorite spot? If so, where and why?
11. What is your favorite movie?
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Welcome to 2013
Welcome to 2013 and my blog.
I invite you to leave comments and I hope that you will understand that I will not allow trolls on my blog. I am open to constructive criticism, but please remember that I am broken and damaged. I am grieving. I am living in a world where I see alot of illness and death and the inside of clinics and hospitals are my second home.
There are only a few of people in my life that know about my blog. I try to keep names and personal information out of it. I may post a few pictures, but not of people (unless they are the ones that know about my blog). This is my home for my thoughts and dealing with what is going on. My place away from reality where I can collect my thoughts and feelings and not feel like crap for not having
the never-ending smile and happy attitude 24/7.
I really do not have a list of resolutions or a bucket list for 2013. I am just trying to survive...like many others.
I'd love to hear about you and your blog. I love reading blogs and hopefully I will be become a better commenter and not just a lurker.
I invite you to leave comments and I hope that you will understand that I will not allow trolls on my blog. I am open to constructive criticism, but please remember that I am broken and damaged. I am grieving. I am living in a world where I see alot of illness and death and the inside of clinics and hospitals are my second home.
There are only a few of people in my life that know about my blog. I try to keep names and personal information out of it. I may post a few pictures, but not of people (unless they are the ones that know about my blog). This is my home for my thoughts and dealing with what is going on. My place away from reality where I can collect my thoughts and feelings and not feel like crap for not having
the never-ending smile and happy attitude 24/7.
I really do not have a list of resolutions or a bucket list for 2013. I am just trying to survive...like many others.
I'd love to hear about you and your blog. I love reading blogs and hopefully I will be become a better commenter and not just a lurker.
Dear family member....
Dear Family Member,
I am attempting to control my anger. A resolution for 2013. Control my anger better. However, instead of repeating myself to you, since you are obviously not able to understand what I am saying, I am blogging it.
Cause otherwise, I might just completely snap...and you REALLY don't want me to do that.
I am so completely sick and tired of being the ONLY adult in this family. It is NOT my job to settle the estates that should have been settled years ago and it is NOT my job to be head boss. I don't want that job...but since you and several others think it is ok to be an adult, yet not take on the responsibilities that you volunteered for then the crapload of responsibility has fell into MY lap...and my load is already overflowing.
Here's the thing...you assume too much and think you know everything. Sad thing is, you know NOTHING and absolutely nothing as to why I have put my big girl panties on and pursued this so it will finally END. Not only that, but you moved your sorry ass 9 hours away and expect to get information from your mother...the head bitch that does NOT want to do ANYTHING but does NOT want to relinquish the control so it can be finished. It's sad really...this affects so many people and yet none of them want to take the reins so it will be done and laid to rest.
You judge me when you have no idea who I really am. I have spent eons on time worrying about you... You didn't know that and I suspect you really wouldn't give a damn. You're an adult, but you are still stuck in child mode. Selfish and junior-high judgemental behavior. You lack common sense. I'm sorry but you were the one that sat at the table and exclaimed "There are potatoes in potato chips?!" You are the one that believes that I am a self-centered, snotty bitch. Your words, not mine. You are the one that doesn't get it...and probably never will because you are jealous and you lack being able to actually listen.
I may be a self-centered, snotty bitch. I think I deserve to be a bit self-centered after the shit hand that life has dealt my way. I am ALWAYS doing for others...I never ask for anything in return. I am taking care of terminally ill family members. I gave up my career and my dreams (for now) to do so. I have let go of becoming a mother because, at this time, I simply can't be a parent and a caretaker due to time and finances. I would do it again because that is how life is. Snotty? Maybe, but I have spent numerous hours trying to explain things to you...the why's and what's. I have tried to get you to understand that things don't always go the way we want them to and that wanting and thinking you're entitled to what everyone has....that life doesn't work like that. I have been stuck in a move for 3 years. THREE FUCKING YEARS. Mainly because you and your mother don't want anyone to have anything or for change. Estates needs to be settled. Bills need to be paid. End of life things need to be put in order. I'm snotty because I have nothing in order and my house and head are a frustrating mess. I'm snotty because I am exhausted. So. fucking. exhausted. of fighting everyone in this. I want to be able to find my damn clothes...and pictures...and recipes...and kitchen utensils. I want to be able to sit down and relax for a few moments and enjoy what time I have left with my parent. I want to be able to look around and call this place my home...without seeing stacks of boxes and things waiting for me to find their respective places after I finish packing up my deceased family members' items. Lastly, I want to be able to grieve. Three years of mounting grief...because this process has been drawn out and it will never fucking end unless I keep pushing the lawyer to complete the estate settlement.
Most of all, you sit there on your almighty throne throwing judgments and snapping orders (from 9 hours away) when you have made mistakes. I have never judged you, but there are some things I just don't understand. Like how you could give your newborn away to strangers? I will never understand it when you tell me that you didn't want the responsibility. It was your choice...no matter how much it grieves us or worries us (about your mental well-being). There is a difference between you and me....no matter how wrong I think you are with certain choices, I will never give up supporting or loving you. I admit that my opinion will probably never change on this subject. You had the world and you gave it away...I could never look in my child's eyes and hand her/him to another person so they could be called mom or dad. I will never understand the choice of putting myself over my child. Sadly, that is what you did. You never ever said that it was best for your child because you weren't ready to be a parent. Your words will always echo in my head, "I'm not ready for responsibility and I want to be able to continue to party and do what I want." In a way it was best for that baby...deserve better than what you were willing to provide. It will remain sad to me...not because you made that choice, but why you made it and I may never completely understand how you are wired that way where in every single decision you make, you always use the 'me, me me' reason and not in a good way. Yet, I will never fault you for that, I just will never understand. I guess that is why you feel entitled to be boss and to take over the 'empire' and that you and your family feels that you deserve to have everything that belongs to everyone. You are so jealous of what others have...you can't see that you have nothing to be jealous about.
Again, your words, not mine...
You make it so unGodly difficult for me to not punch you in the face or impolitely tell you off and it may happen sooner than later, despite my efforts to control my anger over the situation. You really aren't worth my time or energy and it is oh-so-difficult to walk away.
I leave you with this...someday you are going to wish things were different. You are going to wish that you had my love and support. You are going to wish that you had listened. You are going to regret calling me names and talking horrible about me. Most of all, you are going to look back at the years your threw away and realize that those that loved you most are the ones you shit on. Sadly, we will probably not be around then...you will be on your own and realize that it is too late. Even if some of us are still around, I have a suspicion that you will have burned all of your bridges. Life is a long lonely road to haul without people that love and care for us....everyone dies, everyone lies, and everything changes no matter how much we try to keep things the same.
Love,
Eskimo Kisses
I am attempting to control my anger. A resolution for 2013. Control my anger better. However, instead of repeating myself to you, since you are obviously not able to understand what I am saying, I am blogging it.
Cause otherwise, I might just completely snap...and you REALLY don't want me to do that.
I am so completely sick and tired of being the ONLY adult in this family. It is NOT my job to settle the estates that should have been settled years ago and it is NOT my job to be head boss. I don't want that job...but since you and several others think it is ok to be an adult, yet not take on the responsibilities that you volunteered for then the crapload of responsibility has fell into MY lap...and my load is already overflowing.
Here's the thing...you assume too much and think you know everything. Sad thing is, you know NOTHING and absolutely nothing as to why I have put my big girl panties on and pursued this so it will finally END. Not only that, but you moved your sorry ass 9 hours away and expect to get information from your mother...the head bitch that does NOT want to do ANYTHING but does NOT want to relinquish the control so it can be finished. It's sad really...this affects so many people and yet none of them want to take the reins so it will be done and laid to rest.
You judge me when you have no idea who I really am. I have spent eons on time worrying about you... You didn't know that and I suspect you really wouldn't give a damn. You're an adult, but you are still stuck in child mode. Selfish and junior-high judgemental behavior. You lack common sense. I'm sorry but you were the one that sat at the table and exclaimed "There are potatoes in potato chips?!" You are the one that believes that I am a self-centered, snotty bitch. Your words, not mine. You are the one that doesn't get it...and probably never will because you are jealous and you lack being able to actually listen.
I may be a self-centered, snotty bitch. I think I deserve to be a bit self-centered after the shit hand that life has dealt my way. I am ALWAYS doing for others...I never ask for anything in return. I am taking care of terminally ill family members. I gave up my career and my dreams (for now) to do so. I have let go of becoming a mother because, at this time, I simply can't be a parent and a caretaker due to time and finances. I would do it again because that is how life is. Snotty? Maybe, but I have spent numerous hours trying to explain things to you...the why's and what's. I have tried to get you to understand that things don't always go the way we want them to and that wanting and thinking you're entitled to what everyone has....that life doesn't work like that. I have been stuck in a move for 3 years. THREE FUCKING YEARS. Mainly because you and your mother don't want anyone to have anything or for change. Estates needs to be settled. Bills need to be paid. End of life things need to be put in order. I'm snotty because I have nothing in order and my house and head are a frustrating mess. I'm snotty because I am exhausted. So. fucking. exhausted. of fighting everyone in this. I want to be able to find my damn clothes...and pictures...and recipes...and kitchen utensils. I want to be able to sit down and relax for a few moments and enjoy what time I have left with my parent. I want to be able to look around and call this place my home...without seeing stacks of boxes and things waiting for me to find their respective places after I finish packing up my deceased family members' items. Lastly, I want to be able to grieve. Three years of mounting grief...because this process has been drawn out and it will never fucking end unless I keep pushing the lawyer to complete the estate settlement.
Most of all, you sit there on your almighty throne throwing judgments and snapping orders (from 9 hours away) when you have made mistakes. I have never judged you, but there are some things I just don't understand. Like how you could give your newborn away to strangers? I will never understand it when you tell me that you didn't want the responsibility. It was your choice...no matter how much it grieves us or worries us (about your mental well-being). There is a difference between you and me....no matter how wrong I think you are with certain choices, I will never give up supporting or loving you. I admit that my opinion will probably never change on this subject. You had the world and you gave it away...I could never look in my child's eyes and hand her/him to another person so they could be called mom or dad. I will never understand the choice of putting myself over my child. Sadly, that is what you did. You never ever said that it was best for your child because you weren't ready to be a parent. Your words will always echo in my head, "I'm not ready for responsibility and I want to be able to continue to party and do what I want." In a way it was best for that baby...deserve better than what you were willing to provide. It will remain sad to me...not because you made that choice, but why you made it and I may never completely understand how you are wired that way where in every single decision you make, you always use the 'me, me me' reason and not in a good way. Yet, I will never fault you for that, I just will never understand. I guess that is why you feel entitled to be boss and to take over the 'empire' and that you and your family feels that you deserve to have everything that belongs to everyone. You are so jealous of what others have...you can't see that you have nothing to be jealous about.
Again, your words, not mine...
You make it so unGodly difficult for me to not punch you in the face or impolitely tell you off and it may happen sooner than later, despite my efforts to control my anger over the situation. You really aren't worth my time or energy and it is oh-so-difficult to walk away.
I leave you with this...someday you are going to wish things were different. You are going to wish that you had my love and support. You are going to wish that you had listened. You are going to regret calling me names and talking horrible about me. Most of all, you are going to look back at the years your threw away and realize that those that loved you most are the ones you shit on. Sadly, we will probably not be around then...you will be on your own and realize that it is too late. Even if some of us are still around, I have a suspicion that you will have burned all of your bridges. Life is a long lonely road to haul without people that love and care for us....everyone dies, everyone lies, and everything changes no matter how much we try to keep things the same.
Love,
Eskimo Kisses
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