I just got off of the phone with a family member and was asked in a very harsh tone about why I wasn't at my uncles (the father of the cousin that said the cruel things to me on Christmas) today since they were having another Christmas because the rest of the family was back here.
Now, I'm the only family member left on my uncle's side of the family besides his mother. I'm not going to get into the gory details about the relationship problems between all of us because frankly, after everything that has happened and then today, I've decided that I am not and have never really been a part of that side of the family. Which is really sad because they are the ones I grew up around and they, of all people, SHOULD know the heartache I've had...that life has never been easy for me because mom was ill and passed when i was a child. But when you are so damned selfish and self-involved, I suppoed you don't understand or even get that other people have problems and pain.
I informed said family member that not only was I NOT invited today (didn't even know about it), but it is just another glaring fuck off to me in regards to me being a part of the family.
Then the conversation turned to the cousin that said what she said. I was told I should forgive and realize that she is several years younger than I am and doesn't understand the things (I assume things mean the crappy end of things every damn time) like I do. She doesn't realize what she was saying, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I let the excuse making go on for about 5 minutes before I blurted out that this is the same cousin at the age of 6 that told me if my mother had never had me that she wouldn't have got sick and died.
Silence.
I proceeded to say that even though I know that she didn't come up with that remark herself at that age that when I was asked why I was crying and told why, no one told her otherwise. So they (being parents and grandparents since all were there at the time) allowed her to say that.
For the record, it isn't true. My mother didn't get sick until I was five and didn't pass away until several years later.
So, this isn't the first time that she said something cruel, but she is old enough to know better and to hopefully feel guilty for saying it. Even though I know that everyone was trying to make her feel better on Christmas and that I'm just grieving right now.
After letting the family member hear what I had to say, I was told that indeed I was the topic of conversation and that I as overreacting and that they thought I wasn't invited because I had a spat with my aunt 15 years ago when I stayed with them after school. She cussed me like I was a dog and I told her to shut up and to treat me with some respect.. She did this daily when I stayed with them...I knew I wasn't welcome, but since I was a kid I didn't have much of a choice. She was an adult cussing me because I asked her if she was ok because her mom was sick. Yup...what a woman!
Seriously, that is the excuse as to why I wasn't invited and that this family member had the guts to actually say something this stupid to me.
This is the reason I didn't bother telling very many people that I was pregnant or that I had had three previous miscarriages. This is why I am so damnded private. This is why...because my family uses it against me. Always. It is always my fault. Always has been and always will be.
Then the name subject came up. K's sister knows a friend of my uncle's and told him what we had named our son and the names for the other baby we have picked for when we find out the sex. Family member said that Thomas was a name my cousin wants for her baby if it's a boy.
So take it, I'm not changing my child's name for anyone and I'm not changing any of the names I have picked out for my other baby. Nor will I change a name of any children I have in the future. I didn't once ask or discuss names with anyone besides K until he came home yesterday so this is something that JUST popped up in the last 24 hours.
Apparently, I'm being unreasonable, after all, my babies are dead and they will never have the chance to answer to their names.
I lost it because all I remember after that was K taking the phone and saying some very unkind words and then trying to console me. I sttll can't understand why they have always thought that treating me like this is ok or why they would even want to treat me like this. What did I ever do to them to make them hate me to the point of using my babies in their fight? I just don't understand them for the most part.
This whole ordeal is testing my faith and resolve. I told K I just want to curl up in a corner for a while and shut everyone out. I don't know how to deal with this any more.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Emptiness
I feel so freaking empty right now. Everything happened so damn fast this afternoon after K finally got home.
They are going to run tests on the baby I lost to VTS to find out the sex and to see if there was anything wrong with him/her. The doctors are baffled as to why the remains weren't absorbing into my system like they should have. We will be able to finally name him/her if they can determine the sex. My other precious baby, a boy, Thomas Criag, will have some tests run on his remains to see if there was something wrong with him. There are three cysts on my ovaries, again, so I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it or not.
We're still unsure what we will do with their remains. We are leaning towards cremating them so we will both be able to have their ashes since we don't live together.
I've been around sickness and death my entire life, but I'm at a loss right now. I don't know how to get through this, it's too much.
They are going to run tests on the baby I lost to VTS to find out the sex and to see if there was anything wrong with him/her. The doctors are baffled as to why the remains weren't absorbing into my system like they should have. We will be able to finally name him/her if they can determine the sex. My other precious baby, a boy, Thomas Criag, will have some tests run on his remains to see if there was something wrong with him. There are three cysts on my ovaries, again, so I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it or not.
We're still unsure what we will do with their remains. We are leaning towards cremating them so we will both be able to have their ashes since we don't live together.
I've been around sickness and death my entire life, but I'm at a loss right now. I don't know how to get through this, it's too much.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Cruel Intentions
I didn't mean to say it. I didn't mean to say it outloud today to family. Especially to my sweet cousin that just found out she's expecting.
For that brief moment, I wondered, with a smile on my face if our children would be as close as we were when we were growing up. Almost like sisters. At least we were close until she and my ex got close while my ex and I were together. That is another thing for another day...but it was the beginning of the end of our friendship.
Tonight was the end.
I couldn't get out so my family brought Christmas to me. Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Dad. I asked them not to, begged them to stay away because even though I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to face the questions and exclamations at how big I am and what was wrong.
Not today, not today of all days. I didn't want to have to explain this to anyone. I didn't want to be the party crasher today as I usually am. I just wanted to grieve alone without questions and the exclamations on how big I'm getting that is always followed by the same baby questions because it was obvious now that I am pregnant and my cousin had seen me about a week ago and even though I hadn't made an announcement, I figured that my extra round belly would be a popular topic amongst them.
But why should I get anything I want or ask for...especially today, the day that has always came crashing down as one of the worst days of my life since I was a kid.
So everyone shows up, we're talking and almost instantly the questions start...first to me, then to her. I pray they focus on her. I did my damndest to get the attention off of me, but then a hand landed on my tummy with an exclamation that my aunt could feel the baby move. She didn't feel movement, but I was too busy trying to answer questions about when, who, etc to say anything as my heart sank, I desperately tried to choke back the tears. I knew it wouldn't take much more to push me over that edge. No one knew that I lost a twin to VTS. So when my cousin said that she had an ultrasound and tthey thought that she either had a blood clot or had lost a twin, I couldn't stop the tears.
I pulled myself up and hobbled into the bedroom, pretending to look for something but knowing full well that I had to cry...just for a few minutes. I stayed in the room for a bit and my cousin came in. I had no idea she would say something that would forever change how I think of her or how I'll think of her kids.
She sat down next to me and in one breath said, "I know you got pregnant first, but I wish that it would be me that would have the first baby of us grandkids. I mean you aren't even married, what kind of a life is your baby going to have? By the way, can you put in a good word for me so I can get an appointment to see your OB/GYN?" (She is 10 weeks and has not found or even tried to find an OB/GYN and has made at least one trip to the ER due to spotting and cramping.)
I had to take a minute to let what she said hit me and before I could even think of what to say, my mouth opened and this is what I blurted out. "Be careful what you wish for. You're going to feel really fucking shitty when you realize your wish has come true. You just told me that you wished my babies were dead so you could have the first great grandchild. No matter how i have ever felt or feel, I would never wish that on anyone. Even after having three miscarriages before this." (She didn't know I had three miscarriages, only a few people in my family knew before today.)
She stared at me with this really blank, uncaring look and smarted off to me that s how she felt and she didn't care what happens, that she wanted to be the first to have a baby, even if it meant my baby dying.
At this point, I'm in tears, shaking, trying to hobble back into the other room to tell everyone to get out. Before I could say anything, my older cousin asked what was wrong and his little sister told him what happened and ending her answer with, "You know how she is at Christmas, I didn't know she'd be a fucking crybaby."
He locked eyes with me (we're closer to me than I am with my other family now, so he knew when he saw them, what was going on.) I told everyone that I had micarried twins...one to VTS several weeks ago and the other this past weekend. That I am still pregnant and am supposed to go in for a D&C when K(the daddy) gets home and that he is stranded in Seattle, then Chicago, and has finally got a flight out for in the morning to be here. He wanted to rent a car last night to drive on down since it would have got him here today, but he is so exhausted and I finally talked him into booking the flight for Friday morning so he could sleep last night and today at a hotel and meet up with a mutual friend of ours for dinner today. That I wanted to be alone today because I didn't want questions and I didn't want to have to answer them. Then I looked at my cousin and told her that I hoped she was happy her wish came true. That my babies (my fourth and fifth babies) were dead and that I will get to spend tomorrow afternoon getting them sucked out of my body. That instead of planning my future with my babies, I get to figure out what I want to do with their remains. So, Merry fucking Christmas and get the fuck out of my house.
No, I'm sorry and the tears don't make it better. The act that you feel so damned sad doesn't make it better cause I know you don't. You can't take back what you said and what you meant...especially when you stated it twice that it is how you truly feel.
I'll always love you, my dear little cousin...you will always remain the little sister i'll never have, but you no longer have my respect or love and I'll always see your kids as something that you wanted so you could shove it in your brothers, their wives, and my faces. You never wanted kids until you found out that J and I have been trying to conceive, me for years and her for a year. So I'll end with this one last note, in case you ever find your way here (which I doubt, but I have to say it.)
I never hope you experience the sorrow of losing a child. Wheether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or after your child is born. I hope you never have to feel the pain and sorrow I feel. I hope you never have to hear those words that your child doesn't have a heartbeat and that you will never have to have your uterus scraped and your child's remains sucked out of your body as if he/she didn't matter. I hope you never have to endure the wrath of a hateful, spiteful, spoiled, bratty child that you always consided a sister or friend. I hope you never have to make the choice of casket, urn, or nothing instead of what colors to pain the nursey or what name you want your baby to have. I hope you don't have to have your heart repeatedly broken because your (or your husband's) body doesn't work like it's supposed to.
As much as I hate you right now, I hope you never have to feel the way I do. Not only have I lost my babies, but I've lost someone that I thought would be beside me through the most precious and exciting time of my life and that you would be able to experience your own joy as we would watch our kids grow up together. I don't know much right now, but I do know that it will take years for our relationship to be repaired, if at all because you being sorry just isn't good enough this time.
I want to thank those of you that have shown your support to me right now. I just want to tell you that you are helping me get through one of the worst things i've ever experienced in my life and I couldn't do it without you. I do wish you Happy Holidays and a very Happy and hopefully expectiing New Year.
For that brief moment, I wondered, with a smile on my face if our children would be as close as we were when we were growing up. Almost like sisters. At least we were close until she and my ex got close while my ex and I were together. That is another thing for another day...but it was the beginning of the end of our friendship.
Tonight was the end.
I couldn't get out so my family brought Christmas to me. Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Dad. I asked them not to, begged them to stay away because even though I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to face the questions and exclamations at how big I am and what was wrong.
Not today, not today of all days. I didn't want to have to explain this to anyone. I didn't want to be the party crasher today as I usually am. I just wanted to grieve alone without questions and the exclamations on how big I'm getting that is always followed by the same baby questions because it was obvious now that I am pregnant and my cousin had seen me about a week ago and even though I hadn't made an announcement, I figured that my extra round belly would be a popular topic amongst them.
But why should I get anything I want or ask for...especially today, the day that has always came crashing down as one of the worst days of my life since I was a kid.
So everyone shows up, we're talking and almost instantly the questions start...first to me, then to her. I pray they focus on her. I did my damndest to get the attention off of me, but then a hand landed on my tummy with an exclamation that my aunt could feel the baby move. She didn't feel movement, but I was too busy trying to answer questions about when, who, etc to say anything as my heart sank, I desperately tried to choke back the tears. I knew it wouldn't take much more to push me over that edge. No one knew that I lost a twin to VTS. So when my cousin said that she had an ultrasound and tthey thought that she either had a blood clot or had lost a twin, I couldn't stop the tears.
I pulled myself up and hobbled into the bedroom, pretending to look for something but knowing full well that I had to cry...just for a few minutes. I stayed in the room for a bit and my cousin came in. I had no idea she would say something that would forever change how I think of her or how I'll think of her kids.
She sat down next to me and in one breath said, "I know you got pregnant first, but I wish that it would be me that would have the first baby of us grandkids. I mean you aren't even married, what kind of a life is your baby going to have? By the way, can you put in a good word for me so I can get an appointment to see your OB/GYN?" (She is 10 weeks and has not found or even tried to find an OB/GYN and has made at least one trip to the ER due to spotting and cramping.)
I had to take a minute to let what she said hit me and before I could even think of what to say, my mouth opened and this is what I blurted out. "Be careful what you wish for. You're going to feel really fucking shitty when you realize your wish has come true. You just told me that you wished my babies were dead so you could have the first great grandchild. No matter how i have ever felt or feel, I would never wish that on anyone. Even after having three miscarriages before this." (She didn't know I had three miscarriages, only a few people in my family knew before today.)
She stared at me with this really blank, uncaring look and smarted off to me that s how she felt and she didn't care what happens, that she wanted to be the first to have a baby, even if it meant my baby dying.
At this point, I'm in tears, shaking, trying to hobble back into the other room to tell everyone to get out. Before I could say anything, my older cousin asked what was wrong and his little sister told him what happened and ending her answer with, "You know how she is at Christmas, I didn't know she'd be a fucking crybaby."
He locked eyes with me (we're closer to me than I am with my other family now, so he knew when he saw them, what was going on.) I told everyone that I had micarried twins...one to VTS several weeks ago and the other this past weekend. That I am still pregnant and am supposed to go in for a D&C when K(the daddy) gets home and that he is stranded in Seattle, then Chicago, and has finally got a flight out for in the morning to be here. He wanted to rent a car last night to drive on down since it would have got him here today, but he is so exhausted and I finally talked him into booking the flight for Friday morning so he could sleep last night and today at a hotel and meet up with a mutual friend of ours for dinner today. That I wanted to be alone today because I didn't want questions and I didn't want to have to answer them. Then I looked at my cousin and told her that I hoped she was happy her wish came true. That my babies (my fourth and fifth babies) were dead and that I will get to spend tomorrow afternoon getting them sucked out of my body. That instead of planning my future with my babies, I get to figure out what I want to do with their remains. So, Merry fucking Christmas and get the fuck out of my house.
No, I'm sorry and the tears don't make it better. The act that you feel so damned sad doesn't make it better cause I know you don't. You can't take back what you said and what you meant...especially when you stated it twice that it is how you truly feel.
I'll always love you, my dear little cousin...you will always remain the little sister i'll never have, but you no longer have my respect or love and I'll always see your kids as something that you wanted so you could shove it in your brothers, their wives, and my faces. You never wanted kids until you found out that J and I have been trying to conceive, me for years and her for a year. So I'll end with this one last note, in case you ever find your way here (which I doubt, but I have to say it.)
I never hope you experience the sorrow of losing a child. Wheether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or after your child is born. I hope you never have to feel the pain and sorrow I feel. I hope you never have to hear those words that your child doesn't have a heartbeat and that you will never have to have your uterus scraped and your child's remains sucked out of your body as if he/she didn't matter. I hope you never have to endure the wrath of a hateful, spiteful, spoiled, bratty child that you always consided a sister or friend. I hope you never have to make the choice of casket, urn, or nothing instead of what colors to pain the nursey or what name you want your baby to have. I hope you don't have to have your heart repeatedly broken because your (or your husband's) body doesn't work like it's supposed to.
As much as I hate you right now, I hope you never have to feel the way I do. Not only have I lost my babies, but I've lost someone that I thought would be beside me through the most precious and exciting time of my life and that you would be able to experience your own joy as we would watch our kids grow up together. I don't know much right now, but I do know that it will take years for our relationship to be repaired, if at all because you being sorry just isn't good enough this time.
I want to thank those of you that have shown your support to me right now. I just want to tell you that you are helping me get through one of the worst things i've ever experienced in my life and I couldn't do it without you. I do wish you Happy Holidays and a very Happy and hopefully expectiing New Year.
Reflections
After going through three other miscarriages, I thought it would get easier or that I would at least be used to the pain. Maybe everything is just magnified by the fact that I'm alone right now, waiting for my twins dad to finally get here after attempting to travel home on Monday. Maybe it's because I've lost my mom and several other family members and friends on and around the holidays. Maybe it's because I feel so empty even though I'm still carrying my babies when I know they are dead. Maybe it's because I am in so much pain, physically and emotionally. Maybe it's everything.
Since I am laid up and can't get out. Ice and broken bones don't mix. I'm going to stay home, alone, for Christmas. Not that I really wanted to be around anyone, but being alone isn't exactly what I wanted, either.
Everything is a struggle. I go to do or to avoid doing things, thinking what will it do to my baby. Then it hits me, in a rush and like a ton of bricks, that it doesn't matter what I do, my babies are already gone. One has been gone longer than the other by several weeks, but it doesn't matter. It still sears through me.
I miss my mom. Even though it's been twenty years and I was still a child when she died, she ALWAYS knew how to make me feel better. I miss my babies. I was starting to really feel the little one move. I was so hopeful yet walked on eggshells because I knew that at any moment I could lose them.
I'm starting to believe that the one thing in the world that I wanted and that I always dreamed of...the one thing that I would answer when most people would say they wanted to be doctors, lawyers, teachers was that I wanted to be a mommy. I have wanted it so bad since I was a kid that i could taste it. It outweighed my love and passion for music. I am starting to believe that me being a mommy isn't meant to be. That dream is slowly slipping away from me, gaining speed by the day.
I was the kid that would always ask Santa to make my mom better, to always give my parents and grandparents more money so we could afford the necessities because the medical bills were breaking us. I was the one kid that wanted nothing tangible, except to have my family together a little longer. I was the one kid that was crying over the unwrapped presents instead of playing with them. I was the kid that was burying her mom between Christmas and New Years, while everyone else was playing with their toys and having fun with their families. Being the only child after my older brother died before I was born, I have always been independent, but being alone isn't all that's cracked up to be because after you lose those very few family members, then you're alone.
I'm the one that everyone has to be fake to around the holidays because they don't know how to talk to someone that lost a parent on a holiday that is supposed to be filled with goodness and hope.
I used to think there was nothing worse than losing a parent, on Christmas while being a child, but there is...
Losing twins has by far, beat out anything I've ever experienced. It beats losing a parent on the happiest holida and it beats divorcing a husband that was so mean even though I loved him with everything I could.
I thought I would be used to the pain by now, but I'm not and I don't think I'll ever be.
I hope that those that read my blog will do me one favor...hug and kiss your babies if you have children and make sure you hug and kiss your parents if you still have yours. Make sure they know you love them and that you know how lucky you are.
A quote I have heard in several places, but it fits my frame of mind so well right now:
When you lose your parents, you're an orphan. When you lose a spouse, you're a widow or widower. When you lose a child, there is no word for that.
Since I am laid up and can't get out. Ice and broken bones don't mix. I'm going to stay home, alone, for Christmas. Not that I really wanted to be around anyone, but being alone isn't exactly what I wanted, either.
Everything is a struggle. I go to do or to avoid doing things, thinking what will it do to my baby. Then it hits me, in a rush and like a ton of bricks, that it doesn't matter what I do, my babies are already gone. One has been gone longer than the other by several weeks, but it doesn't matter. It still sears through me.
I miss my mom. Even though it's been twenty years and I was still a child when she died, she ALWAYS knew how to make me feel better. I miss my babies. I was starting to really feel the little one move. I was so hopeful yet walked on eggshells because I knew that at any moment I could lose them.
I'm starting to believe that the one thing in the world that I wanted and that I always dreamed of...the one thing that I would answer when most people would say they wanted to be doctors, lawyers, teachers was that I wanted to be a mommy. I have wanted it so bad since I was a kid that i could taste it. It outweighed my love and passion for music. I am starting to believe that me being a mommy isn't meant to be. That dream is slowly slipping away from me, gaining speed by the day.
I was the kid that would always ask Santa to make my mom better, to always give my parents and grandparents more money so we could afford the necessities because the medical bills were breaking us. I was the one kid that wanted nothing tangible, except to have my family together a little longer. I was the one kid that was crying over the unwrapped presents instead of playing with them. I was the kid that was burying her mom between Christmas and New Years, while everyone else was playing with their toys and having fun with their families. Being the only child after my older brother died before I was born, I have always been independent, but being alone isn't all that's cracked up to be because after you lose those very few family members, then you're alone.
I'm the one that everyone has to be fake to around the holidays because they don't know how to talk to someone that lost a parent on a holiday that is supposed to be filled with goodness and hope.
I used to think there was nothing worse than losing a parent, on Christmas while being a child, but there is...
Losing twins has by far, beat out anything I've ever experienced. It beats losing a parent on the happiest holida and it beats divorcing a husband that was so mean even though I loved him with everything I could.
I thought I would be used to the pain by now, but I'm not and I don't think I'll ever be.
I hope that those that read my blog will do me one favor...hug and kiss your babies if you have children and make sure you hug and kiss your parents if you still have yours. Make sure they know you love them and that you know how lucky you are.
A quote I have heard in several places, but it fits my frame of mind so well right now:
When you lose your parents, you're an orphan. When you lose a spouse, you're a widow or widower. When you lose a child, there is no word for that.
Monday, December 22, 2008
No Holiday Cheer
I'm at such a loss right now. I just spent the better part of the morning talking to the father, a really good friend of mine. He was planning on staying at his family's this week so he could visit with his brother, but is insisting he come back today (well, it would be tonight or early tomorrow morning before he actually would get here). The weather supposed to get bad the rest of this week starting tonight with a break for Christmas, but seriously, that is the last thing on my mind...I just don't want him out there traveling or stranded when he can visit with his brother and fly back at the end of the week. I don't need to lose anyone else right now...but he can't seem to see past getting here. The D&C can wait a few days if it has to.
Between blaming myself and being in denial, I go from being really angry to bawling my eyes out. I'm always emotional this time of year.
I'm supposed to have a small Christmas party with my bff's family. Her son, who is so much a part of my life, is so excited that he called this morning. I want to hide and forget it, but I can't bear to make another person's Christmas suck...it's only for a few hours. Maybe the pain killers will dim all of the pain so I can fake my way through it. This is the only gathering that I feel obligated to be at this year and since it's here and they are bringing most of the food, I really don't want to ruin their holiday. I don't want him to associate the holidays with sickness and death like i have for most of my life.
Yeah, that's it, I'll pep talk my way through it. Stay doped up on pain killers and maybe, just maybe, I'll get through it without being a sobbing, rambling, bitter mess.
This so sucks... we finally had a name picked out last week before all of this happened. Now it seems we'll have to pick two names...since the other twin didn't absorb into my system like he/she was supposed to.
Thank you for your support. It means the world to me. I haven't told my family or friends yet since I wantetd to tell the daddy first. So this is the only place I could say it without it getting back to him before I told him. So from the bottom of my broken heart, I thank you...
Between blaming myself and being in denial, I go from being really angry to bawling my eyes out. I'm always emotional this time of year.
I'm supposed to have a small Christmas party with my bff's family. Her son, who is so much a part of my life, is so excited that he called this morning. I want to hide and forget it, but I can't bear to make another person's Christmas suck...it's only for a few hours. Maybe the pain killers will dim all of the pain so I can fake my way through it. This is the only gathering that I feel obligated to be at this year and since it's here and they are bringing most of the food, I really don't want to ruin their holiday. I don't want him to associate the holidays with sickness and death like i have for most of my life.
Yeah, that's it, I'll pep talk my way through it. Stay doped up on pain killers and maybe, just maybe, I'll get through it without being a sobbing, rambling, bitter mess.
This so sucks... we finally had a name picked out last week before all of this happened. Now it seems we'll have to pick two names...since the other twin didn't absorb into my system like he/she was supposed to.
Thank you for your support. It means the world to me. I haven't told my family or friends yet since I wantetd to tell the daddy first. So this is the only place I could say it without it getting back to him before I told him. So from the bottom of my broken heart, I thank you...
15 weeks
I don't even know how to say it...again.
I spent the day in the ER after falling on the ice this morning. First time I've been up beyond the bathroom since I've been home and the first time I've been outside since I've been home. I had to go to the store to get a few groceries, but more importantly to get my scripts filled.
Not only did I break my ankle, but they did an ultrasound to check since I have had so many problems and there is no heartbeat. The woman, Bless her, because I know her and she knows how rough it's been, told me that the twin that I lost due to VTS is still there and that it doesn't look like it had been absorbed into my system at all.
So no heartbeats. No babies. I have to make THAT call to the dad tomorrow so we can decide when we can do the D&C and I know he's already out of town. So it will be a few days before we can do it. I couldn't reach him today, not that I really wanted to ruin his family's holiday get together where his brother is back for two weeks from Iraq.
And the real topper of all of this is that my cousin, who is almost like my sister, is 10 weeks pregnant and just had to tell me this weekend.
Christmas marks 20 years since my mom has been gone.
I'm doped up at the moment and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm so numb, but in so much pain. My mind is racing but I can't focus or see through the tears.
This sucks. The worst feeling in the world.
Merry Fu.cking Christmas to me.
I spent the day in the ER after falling on the ice this morning. First time I've been up beyond the bathroom since I've been home and the first time I've been outside since I've been home. I had to go to the store to get a few groceries, but more importantly to get my scripts filled.
Not only did I break my ankle, but they did an ultrasound to check since I have had so many problems and there is no heartbeat. The woman, Bless her, because I know her and she knows how rough it's been, told me that the twin that I lost due to VTS is still there and that it doesn't look like it had been absorbed into my system at all.
So no heartbeats. No babies. I have to make THAT call to the dad tomorrow so we can decide when we can do the D&C and I know he's already out of town. So it will be a few days before we can do it. I couldn't reach him today, not that I really wanted to ruin his family's holiday get together where his brother is back for two weeks from Iraq.
And the real topper of all of this is that my cousin, who is almost like my sister, is 10 weeks pregnant and just had to tell me this weekend.
Christmas marks 20 years since my mom has been gone.
I'm doped up at the moment and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm so numb, but in so much pain. My mind is racing but I can't focus or see through the tears.
This sucks. The worst feeling in the world.
Merry Fu.cking Christmas to me.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Finally home.
I've been in the hospital for the better part of the last two weeks. Between cramping and bleeding along with extremely high blood pressure...things have been miserable.
I'm so behind on everything. I think Christmas will just have to pass this year...without the cards and presents, decorations and parties.
I'm so behind on everything. I think Christmas will just have to pass this year...without the cards and presents, decorations and parties.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Creativity to the rescue!
So I've been bumming the last few days because I'm stuck in bed and am missing playing my music and going to rehearsals. Plus the bull with the exs. I tried to write and do some composing, but the creativity wasn't there.
Then I listened to some RDB and watched some Kiefer and BAM!!! I've been writing up a storm. There will definitely be some good stuff from this creative streak. I am hoping it lasts, too. I'm going to be in bed for a while.
----------------
Now playing: Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
via FoxyTunes
Then I listened to some RDB and watched some Kiefer and BAM!!! I've been writing up a storm. There will definitely be some good stuff from this creative streak. I am hoping it lasts, too. I'm going to be in bed for a while.
----------------
Now playing: Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
via FoxyTunes
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Well, I'm home. After spending the better part of the last week in the hospital, I'm finally home. I have been in alot of pain, cramping and spotting and my blood pressure is still sky high. The baby's heart rate is abnormal and the twin's remains that I lost still hasn't absorbed into my body like it should. And not a freaking doctor around here is smart enough to know what to do about all of this. So after making two trips to the ER, they finally just admitted me, but we know as much now as we did when they admitted me.
I came home to two phone calls. One was from my ex-husband who is abusive. The other is from my ex-boyfriend who I had been with for 15 months and just stopped talking to me for the last two months.
The ex-husband issue is a really long and complicated story so I will safe that for another day.
So my ex-boyfriend...I suppose I can call him that since he had not spoke to me for over two months, called me. Acted like nothing had happened. We had been together for close to 15 months before he stopped talking to me (no explanation from him at all) and in the last two months I've had several women tell me that he had been with them.
Great, another cheater!
Well, he had a vascectomy over 10 years ago that can't be reversed (we tried) and he has three sons. I wanted a baby so bad that he agreed to allow me to find a donor (we had one already chosen) and in September I tried and conceived on the first try. Conceiving hasn't been a huge issue if I can find someone fertile enough so I haven't really had to look into fertility specialists and treatments. It's actually being pregannt that kicks my butt.
So back to the topic at hand. As soon as we go through with this, he disappears...literally for a few weeks and completely stops talking to me all together. I finally decided that I needed to focus on me and my health...and was trying to take care of myself in case I had actually suceeded in conceiving. I wrote that 15 month relationship (we were discussing marriage, which I had swore I would never do again) off and decided that if he wasn't willing to talk to me about what was going on then he wasn't worth my time to cry over.
I did cry...he broke my heart. Then I found out I was pregnant with twins and shortly after lost one to Vanishing Twin Syndrome.
So today when I get home and heard his message on the machine...I flipped! He acted like NOTHING had happened and that we had been the same as we were.
Well buddy boy, let me tell you a few things....
I spent A LOT of time, money and energy loving you and taking care of you when NO one else would. I spent countless sleepless nights worrying about you when you were sick and when you started going through the financial crisis you were in. Then you decided to move back to the place where your siblings were..and it was a bit away from me. Fine...I encouraged it, but I also told you that if our relationship suffered and you stopped communicating with me that it would be over. That lasted for a whole 4 months before you decided to move in with a friend who needed your help fixing up their house. A married woman with a husband and kids. I had BIG problems with this in August when it happened. You didn't bother to allow me to have an opinion and that pissed me off. But I knew they needed help and they were willing to allow you to live in their spare room while you helped them.
I ignored my gut instinct that it was a bad idea for you to do that. I ignored your pleas that it was to help someone else. Help someone else while I was dealing with health issues that arose in the last three months...Thanks. Thank you very fucking much for showing me the love and compassion that I showed you when YOU needed me. By the way, you have burnt your bridges with your family, including your sons. Everyone has called me looking for you because you fucked off without telling any of them where you were going and they had an emergency. You have managed to piss everyone off except the little ho you lived with...by the way, I have spoke to her husband and I know what was going on.
I also spoke to the four other women that you have apparently been screwing while you were having big fun and left me to worry about the major things...like money and our future. I know my ex-husband contacted you when you stopped speaking to me. I also know that if you believe one word from his mouth after everything you and I have been through then you really are a dumbass. You have seen my scars and you KNOW what he did to me. Now after finding out that all of your girlfriends are done with you, you call me and act like nothing happened and like we had never had two months of pure silence and pure worry and heartache for me.
Well guess what. I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I don't need you or your crap. If you want me in your life YOU have to fix what YOU fucked up. I'm done calling and seeing you. I'm done helping you. I'm done worrying about you. I'm done being your messenger service for you family because you can't call them and tell them you're ok. I'm done planning a future with you in it. You missed out on the first pregnancy test. You missed out on the first few ultrasounds. You missed out on hearing and seeing both babies...and now only the one. It's your loss. Not mine. I owe you nothing.
You will not be the father of MY child. I started the journey with you because I knew if I didn't do this now and that the longer I wait, the less likely I will be able to have a child. The cysts have been ravaging my ovaries for years. I will continue this journey as long as I'm allowed. I will continue to be the strong, independent woman that I am.
So when you call me back tomorrow and if I decide to answer the phone, you will hear what I have to say. If you want any type of relationship with me, you will have to put the effort, time and love into it. The ball will be in your court because until you prove to me that things are different then we are done. There will be no more women. There will be no more sob stories of friends (married or single) of needing your help and the offer to live with them. If you want me, you will have to be here again with your own apartment and your own job and you will fix the screw-up with your child-support. No boyfriend of mine will be paying an ex-wife child-support when you had custody of the kid three years before he turned 18...not to mention the fact that he was living with you almost a year after his 18th birthday. Paying some stupid bitch money that isn't hers to begin with is ridiculous and even more stupid when you lose everything because she is getting $400 a month for a son she didn't even have custody of when he turned 18. I digress, though...it takes effort and time to get it straightened out and that's why you wanted me to help you with it...because you didn't want to put the effort into fixing the screw-up.
I refuse to allow you back into my life if you aren't willing to prove to me that you love me and want me in your life. I have my baby to think about now. I am not going to bust my butt supporting you only to have you give everything away to everyone else.
Because everything I have is going to my baby. My focus is on my child. Get your priorities straight and then call me. Stop the lies and the cheating. Your priorities should be your kids and me, a job, and an apartment. Those were your priorities when we met. I still don't know why you decided to stop caring about it. I thought you wanted me and the child that I am carrying. You still don't know. It doesn't matter if you did, it changes nothing between us. Only you can change what you fucked up.
Don't worry though, baby...I won't be holding my breath or waiting by the phone.
(I doubt you are reading this...but I needed to get it out of my system and I feel so much better now.)
Now I need to take myself to bed. I need rest and tomorrow I will conitnue the Thanksgiving drama saga.
I came home to two phone calls. One was from my ex-husband who is abusive. The other is from my ex-boyfriend who I had been with for 15 months and just stopped talking to me for the last two months.
The ex-husband issue is a really long and complicated story so I will safe that for another day.
So my ex-boyfriend...I suppose I can call him that since he had not spoke to me for over two months, called me. Acted like nothing had happened. We had been together for close to 15 months before he stopped talking to me (no explanation from him at all) and in the last two months I've had several women tell me that he had been with them.
Great, another cheater!
Well, he had a vascectomy over 10 years ago that can't be reversed (we tried) and he has three sons. I wanted a baby so bad that he agreed to allow me to find a donor (we had one already chosen) and in September I tried and conceived on the first try. Conceiving hasn't been a huge issue if I can find someone fertile enough so I haven't really had to look into fertility specialists and treatments. It's actually being pregannt that kicks my butt.
So back to the topic at hand. As soon as we go through with this, he disappears...literally for a few weeks and completely stops talking to me all together. I finally decided that I needed to focus on me and my health...and was trying to take care of myself in case I had actually suceeded in conceiving. I wrote that 15 month relationship (we were discussing marriage, which I had swore I would never do again) off and decided that if he wasn't willing to talk to me about what was going on then he wasn't worth my time to cry over.
I did cry...he broke my heart. Then I found out I was pregnant with twins and shortly after lost one to Vanishing Twin Syndrome.
So today when I get home and heard his message on the machine...I flipped! He acted like NOTHING had happened and that we had been the same as we were.
Well buddy boy, let me tell you a few things....
I spent A LOT of time, money and energy loving you and taking care of you when NO one else would. I spent countless sleepless nights worrying about you when you were sick and when you started going through the financial crisis you were in. Then you decided to move back to the place where your siblings were..and it was a bit away from me. Fine...I encouraged it, but I also told you that if our relationship suffered and you stopped communicating with me that it would be over. That lasted for a whole 4 months before you decided to move in with a friend who needed your help fixing up their house. A married woman with a husband and kids. I had BIG problems with this in August when it happened. You didn't bother to allow me to have an opinion and that pissed me off. But I knew they needed help and they were willing to allow you to live in their spare room while you helped them.
I ignored my gut instinct that it was a bad idea for you to do that. I ignored your pleas that it was to help someone else. Help someone else while I was dealing with health issues that arose in the last three months...Thanks. Thank you very fucking much for showing me the love and compassion that I showed you when YOU needed me. By the way, you have burnt your bridges with your family, including your sons. Everyone has called me looking for you because you fucked off without telling any of them where you were going and they had an emergency. You have managed to piss everyone off except the little ho you lived with...by the way, I have spoke to her husband and I know what was going on.
I also spoke to the four other women that you have apparently been screwing while you were having big fun and left me to worry about the major things...like money and our future. I know my ex-husband contacted you when you stopped speaking to me. I also know that if you believe one word from his mouth after everything you and I have been through then you really are a dumbass. You have seen my scars and you KNOW what he did to me. Now after finding out that all of your girlfriends are done with you, you call me and act like nothing happened and like we had never had two months of pure silence and pure worry and heartache for me.
Well guess what. I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I don't need you or your crap. If you want me in your life YOU have to fix what YOU fucked up. I'm done calling and seeing you. I'm done helping you. I'm done worrying about you. I'm done being your messenger service for you family because you can't call them and tell them you're ok. I'm done planning a future with you in it. You missed out on the first pregnancy test. You missed out on the first few ultrasounds. You missed out on hearing and seeing both babies...and now only the one. It's your loss. Not mine. I owe you nothing.
You will not be the father of MY child. I started the journey with you because I knew if I didn't do this now and that the longer I wait, the less likely I will be able to have a child. The cysts have been ravaging my ovaries for years. I will continue this journey as long as I'm allowed. I will continue to be the strong, independent woman that I am.
So when you call me back tomorrow and if I decide to answer the phone, you will hear what I have to say. If you want any type of relationship with me, you will have to put the effort, time and love into it. The ball will be in your court because until you prove to me that things are different then we are done. There will be no more women. There will be no more sob stories of friends (married or single) of needing your help and the offer to live with them. If you want me, you will have to be here again with your own apartment and your own job and you will fix the screw-up with your child-support. No boyfriend of mine will be paying an ex-wife child-support when you had custody of the kid three years before he turned 18...not to mention the fact that he was living with you almost a year after his 18th birthday. Paying some stupid bitch money that isn't hers to begin with is ridiculous and even more stupid when you lose everything because she is getting $400 a month for a son she didn't even have custody of when he turned 18. I digress, though...it takes effort and time to get it straightened out and that's why you wanted me to help you with it...because you didn't want to put the effort into fixing the screw-up.
I refuse to allow you back into my life if you aren't willing to prove to me that you love me and want me in your life. I have my baby to think about now. I am not going to bust my butt supporting you only to have you give everything away to everyone else.
Because everything I have is going to my baby. My focus is on my child. Get your priorities straight and then call me. Stop the lies and the cheating. Your priorities should be your kids and me, a job, and an apartment. Those were your priorities when we met. I still don't know why you decided to stop caring about it. I thought you wanted me and the child that I am carrying. You still don't know. It doesn't matter if you did, it changes nothing between us. Only you can change what you fucked up.
Don't worry though, baby...I won't be holding my breath or waiting by the phone.
(I doubt you are reading this...but I needed to get it out of my system and I feel so much better now.)
Now I need to take myself to bed. I need rest and tomorrow I will conitnue the Thanksgiving drama saga.
Monday, November 24, 2008
24 and a blogger rant.
Ok, first off, I need to rant. Is there a freaking live person at Google and why aren't they doing anything for those of us that are requesting our blogs to be unlocked? I know I'm not the only one that has this issue and I can't understand why they say 48 hours after the review request is sent that I have to continually request reviews every week.
Denze
For the love of Jack! What do I have to do to get someone HUMAN to unlock my dang blog?
Ok, rant over...now to the good stuff.
24: Redemption was on last night and I have watched it three times since. My God, I've missed Jack!! Ok, so Kiefer is my favorite actor of all-time and I've met him. When girls my age were oggling Johnny Depp and Denzel Washington, I was in love with Kiefer. I've seen everything he's been in more than once and own most of it and I actively help with getting the word out about the groups that his label signs. But that's another blog for another day...I just have to get back on track with the movie from last night.
I've heard alot of bad reviews from folks saying that it wasn't 24 enough for them. Well, buddy boy, I am here to tell you why. It is about putting a message out there about kids being recruited for wars in other countries. A message that is so personal to me because I have a military family and most of my friends are military, too. When they come back from fighting, I've had all of them tell me that the one thing they can't deal with is the fact they had to shoot or was shot at by children.
So, the prequel to Season 7 isn't about the twists of 24. It deals with what has happened to Jack up to this point. The Africa part was supposed to be four hours, but they couldn't justify the real time issue getting from Africa to D.C. I believe it would have been more 24-like if they had been able to air all of what was intended, but due to the glaring issues around their real-time issue, they made a point to show people that there is a real problem in this world in other countries, countries our men and women are fighting in every day, regarding children being recruited to fight in wars.
I enjoyed it, but I knew it wasn't going to have all of the twists and turns that 24 has during the season. I can understand why alot of people are upset that it just didn't present what the show normally presents, but seriously, it was just a prequel that was intended to be four hours long and had to be cut due to the time restraints and because of the long-hiatus that brought the opportunity for that story-line to be a 2-hour prequel. It was predictible, but sheesh, what did people expect for a prequel that leads up to Season 7. (Of course, I'm biased because I know most of the spoilers for the new season.)
Jack is back!
(I have GOT to learn how to do pictures on here!)
Denze
For the love of Jack! What do I have to do to get someone HUMAN to unlock my dang blog?
Ok, rant over...now to the good stuff.
24: Redemption was on last night and I have watched it three times since. My God, I've missed Jack!! Ok, so Kiefer is my favorite actor of all-time and I've met him. When girls my age were oggling Johnny Depp and Denzel Washington, I was in love with Kiefer. I've seen everything he's been in more than once and own most of it and I actively help with getting the word out about the groups that his label signs. But that's another blog for another day...I just have to get back on track with the movie from last night.
I've heard alot of bad reviews from folks saying that it wasn't 24 enough for them. Well, buddy boy, I am here to tell you why. It is about putting a message out there about kids being recruited for wars in other countries. A message that is so personal to me because I have a military family and most of my friends are military, too. When they come back from fighting, I've had all of them tell me that the one thing they can't deal with is the fact they had to shoot or was shot at by children.
So, the prequel to Season 7 isn't about the twists of 24. It deals with what has happened to Jack up to this point. The Africa part was supposed to be four hours, but they couldn't justify the real time issue getting from Africa to D.C. I believe it would have been more 24-like if they had been able to air all of what was intended, but due to the glaring issues around their real-time issue, they made a point to show people that there is a real problem in this world in other countries, countries our men and women are fighting in every day, regarding children being recruited to fight in wars.
I enjoyed it, but I knew it wasn't going to have all of the twists and turns that 24 has during the season. I can understand why alot of people are upset that it just didn't present what the show normally presents, but seriously, it was just a prequel that was intended to be four hours long and had to be cut due to the time restraints and because of the long-hiatus that brought the opportunity for that story-line to be a 2-hour prequel. It was predictible, but sheesh, what did people expect for a prequel that leads up to Season 7. (Of course, I'm biased because I know most of the spoilers for the new season.)
Jack is back!
(I have GOT to learn how to do pictures on here!)
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Joys of Life...
I spent last night at my BFF's house. Her son would be the same age as my first one if I had actually carried to term. There are times that it just hurts so damn much to look at him. He's so happy and growing so much. I'm like an aunt to him, heck, for his first five years, I was his babysitter. Regardless, I love and miss him when life gets in the way of me being able to hang out owith them.
I haven't seen much of them lately. We live 10 minutes apart, but she works 6 days a week and he is in several extra-curricular activities so time is a huge issue. Plus, I have felt like hell for the better part of the year, have several family members that I have to take care of, had a really ill furbaby for the first 9 months of the year and now I'm pregnant. Which she doesn't know yet.
But last night, he came up to me and curled up on my lap and gave me a huge hug and told me that he missed me so much. He updated me on all of the happenings and told me everything he'd learned in school. Of course, I would sit there and go through every mood I could...laughing and crying. I've missed being around them.
So tonight, after 24: Redemption, I will be posting my feelings on the movie. I'm so glad Jack is back. I love me some Kiefer.
I haven't seen much of them lately. We live 10 minutes apart, but she works 6 days a week and he is in several extra-curricular activities so time is a huge issue. Plus, I have felt like hell for the better part of the year, have several family members that I have to take care of, had a really ill furbaby for the first 9 months of the year and now I'm pregnant. Which she doesn't know yet.
But last night, he came up to me and curled up on my lap and gave me a huge hug and told me that he missed me so much. He updated me on all of the happenings and told me everything he'd learned in school. Of course, I would sit there and go through every mood I could...laughing and crying. I've missed being around them.
So tonight, after 24: Redemption, I will be posting my feelings on the movie. I'm so glad Jack is back. I love me some Kiefer.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Just attempting to focus
Not much new has been going on. My blood pressure has been up and down like a freaking yo-yo, so I've been in the ER several times this week. Sweet pea is still hanging in there. I have just really been enjoying being pregnant at this stage because this is the first pregnancy of mine that has go to this point.
I do have to say I'm extremely excited for Sunday night. 24 is back after a long hiatus and I can't wait to see what my Jack is up to now! It is one of my guilty pleasures. I can't wait to get back into the groove again of having that hour to myself.
I'm really having a hard time focusing so I'll have to write another blog later.
I do have to say I'm extremely excited for Sunday night. 24 is back after a long hiatus and I can't wait to see what my Jack is up to now! It is one of my guilty pleasures. I can't wait to get back into the groove again of having that hour to myself.
I'm really having a hard time focusing so I'll have to write another blog later.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Baby surge
I sat down tonight to two new baby arrival announcements, the announcement from one of my cousins that they are having a girl, news from a friend of mine that her step-daughter is having major health issues and that this baby she's having is going to be her last because of the health issues, and more news on Baby Girl H. Plus, I spoke with an old high school friend who is due any day now and she told me about three girls we went to school with that are pregnant.
The entire time, I'm biting my tongue, wanting to shout out that I am 10 weeks pregnant. That I was pregnant with twins and lost one last week to Vanishing Twin Syndrome and that I am doing my damndest to NOT lose sweet pea.
I want to tell my friends and my family that I finally am going to be a mommy. I want to shout it from the rooftops and from a mountain.
But I won't...not yet. I'm afraid that I'll jinx things. I'm afraid that it is too early to tell people. The only ones that knows are my best friends C, K, and R, the daddy, and of course you all.
What I don't understand and doubt that i ever will is the messed up system where cracked-out addicts and those that don't want babies or those that mistreat their kids can have babies so easily. It is the one thing that keeps testing my faith. The one thing that makes me wonder, at times, if there really is a God or higher-power. Why is it that there are so many unwanted children in this world when there are so many parents that desire and ache to be parents? Why wouldn't God or whatever higher-power there is not give the innocent babies to those that truly desire and need them?
It's the one thing in this world that has always tested my faith. I've lived through alot of sickness and death...violence and abuse...and losing so many that I loved and cared about and was able, in some sort of way, understand what the reason for it was. But to not allow children, who are being born to parents that don't want them or that mistreats them, to be born to parents that are trying so hard to conceive and carry successfully to term is beyond my grasp.
Ok, on a side note, I'm still crampy and confused (hormones, maybe?) and I'm hoping that when I go in to see my doctor tomorrow that my blood pressure has went down.
The entire time, I'm biting my tongue, wanting to shout out that I am 10 weeks pregnant. That I was pregnant with twins and lost one last week to Vanishing Twin Syndrome and that I am doing my damndest to NOT lose sweet pea.
I want to tell my friends and my family that I finally am going to be a mommy. I want to shout it from the rooftops and from a mountain.
But I won't...not yet. I'm afraid that I'll jinx things. I'm afraid that it is too early to tell people. The only ones that knows are my best friends C, K, and R, the daddy, and of course you all.
What I don't understand and doubt that i ever will is the messed up system where cracked-out addicts and those that don't want babies or those that mistreat their kids can have babies so easily. It is the one thing that keeps testing my faith. The one thing that makes me wonder, at times, if there really is a God or higher-power. Why is it that there are so many unwanted children in this world when there are so many parents that desire and ache to be parents? Why wouldn't God or whatever higher-power there is not give the innocent babies to those that truly desire and need them?
It's the one thing in this world that has always tested my faith. I've lived through alot of sickness and death...violence and abuse...and losing so many that I loved and cared about and was able, in some sort of way, understand what the reason for it was. But to not allow children, who are being born to parents that don't want them or that mistreats them, to be born to parents that are trying so hard to conceive and carry successfully to term is beyond my grasp.
Ok, on a side note, I'm still crampy and confused (hormones, maybe?) and I'm hoping that when I go in to see my doctor tomorrow that my blood pressure has went down.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Confused and crampy
I've spent the better part of the day at the ER because of major bring-me-to-my-knees cramps and bleeding. Sweet pea is still hanging in there and still has a heartbeat, but I'm so completely and utterly freaked out. My doctor was called in and he called in another doctor for a second opinion, to make sure he shouldn't admit me, but since Sweet pea's heartbeat was normal for 10 weeks, they decided that I should be at home and in bed...resting. My blood pressure is still high...180/110, which is about where it has been for the last four weeks. So I've been ordered to stay in bed and if anything changes, I need to go to the ER ASAP and no stress.
No stress? Really? You have got to be freaking kidding me!
I've been trying to find my place in this world...I can conceive, but I haven't (yet) been able to carry a child to term. Am I considered infertile? It's been 2 1/2 years since I was diagnosed with PCOS, but this is the first time since the diagnosis that I attempted (and succeeded) at getting pregnant. I have been fighting cysts for the last few years and really never thought about being infertile. I just thought that I was doing something wrong when I got pregnant that caused me to miscarry. My doctor and I have discussed it, but he said he really didn't consider me infertile since I could get pregnant without alot of testing and specialists involved, but he did express concern that the more cysts and miscarriages that happen, the less likely I would be able to conceive and carry a child to term.
I tried to explain this to my best friend, but God help him, he really doesn't get it and I believe he thinks I've lost my mind. He said I make little sense to him when I talk about that subject to him. Which has led me to not talk about it to anyone else that is a part of my offline life. If he, someone that knows me better than I know myself at times and is quite sensitive with the baby-making subject, can't understand what I'm thinking and what I'm wondering, then will anyone?
I'm confused and crampy and wish things would start making sense to me.
No stress? Really? You have got to be freaking kidding me!
I've been trying to find my place in this world...I can conceive, but I haven't (yet) been able to carry a child to term. Am I considered infertile? It's been 2 1/2 years since I was diagnosed with PCOS, but this is the first time since the diagnosis that I attempted (and succeeded) at getting pregnant. I have been fighting cysts for the last few years and really never thought about being infertile. I just thought that I was doing something wrong when I got pregnant that caused me to miscarry. My doctor and I have discussed it, but he said he really didn't consider me infertile since I could get pregnant without alot of testing and specialists involved, but he did express concern that the more cysts and miscarriages that happen, the less likely I would be able to conceive and carry a child to term.
I tried to explain this to my best friend, but God help him, he really doesn't get it and I believe he thinks I've lost my mind. He said I make little sense to him when I talk about that subject to him. Which has led me to not talk about it to anyone else that is a part of my offline life. If he, someone that knows me better than I know myself at times and is quite sensitive with the baby-making subject, can't understand what I'm thinking and what I'm wondering, then will anyone?
I'm confused and crampy and wish things would start making sense to me.
How could a mother do it?
I belong to a board where I have met some of my closest friends. There was a woman...she didn't much like my friends and me, but she had become the sweetheart of this board over the past few years. Anyway this woman had a horrible life. I felt sorry for her...gave her the benefit of the doubt. Her teenage daughter had been missing for three years...someone had kidnapped her. This woman has two other children, one is a boy that has autism.
About a month ago, this woman started a thread...it got heated, real heated and a lot of fingers of nasty mean things had been pointed at my friends and I. The woman had posts pulled, got 'slapped' by the moderator and disappeared. Two days later, a family member came on to tell all of us that she had been put in the hospital due to her cervical cancer that she had for two years, had turned for the worse. Within a week, this woman had been in and out of the hospital, posted her goodbyes on her home thread and flew to Ireland where she died within hours after landing there.
My friends and I had spoke to each other regarding this issue...most of us have personal losses to cancer. Most of us have watched loved ones die and some of us have battled cancer...we knew that this story had so many holes in it that it was falling apart. But we said nothing on the board that we all posted on with this woman...we didn't want to seem like the heartless guilt-filled bitches we seemed to feel like we were for doubting this woman's journey.
Until this woman's friends came out of the woodwork less than two days after the woman 'died' and claimed they had put together the pieces and they just didn't fit or make sense and this woman was very much alive and posting at another board within the site we post on.
Not only was her cancer story and death a lie, but her story of her missing daughter was a lie. Her daughter is alive and well and teaching an art course in the area where the family lives.
I've been physically sick over this...I've posted quite a few times my opinion on the situation...but my main issue with this is that there are so many of us in this world that have watched cancer steal the lives of those we love...and some of us can't have babies no matter how fucking hard we try.
And this crazy fucking sick despicable nut job loon posts that her teenage daughter is kidnapped and missing for over three years and that she, herself, had cancer and died while pretending to be 'family'.
Not once has she said she was sorry, not once has she seen the point some of us have made in saying that child services needs to go into this home and take the precious kids out...instead she has acted like she is the victim.
I've always thought it would be bad karma to lie about such horrible things about yourself...but I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that she conned people, including me, into believing her daughter was missing for three years. How could you pretend and fake that with people that called you a friend...that sent money to you to aid in the search of your child?
The woman came to a board that is free-speech and off-site from the heavily moderated one to play the victim and I asked her...How could she pretend her daughter was missing? How could she pretend she was sick and dying? i asked her if she was afraid of waking up some day and being sick with cancer and dying while one of her kids were missing and what would she do knowing she pretended that happened before it did? I didn't expect an answer and I haven't received one, but I would really like to know how she could sleep at night and how she can rationalize what she has lied about over the last few years. How can she look at her precious children and say that she loves them when she has lied about their well-being and such horrible things as one being missing and one being autistic?
I'm trying to save my fifth baby from miscarrying...I'm begging God to allow me to have this child because if I lose sweet pea, I'm not sure I can even consider and attempting to get pregnant again. I'm holding onto every strand of faith I can find to get me through this while mourning the loss of my fourth baby just days ago.
I just can't wrap my mind around it...it makes me ill just thinking that God has allowed people like her to have babies...while there are those of us that are struggling to conceive, carry and deliver healthy babies.
About a month ago, this woman started a thread...it got heated, real heated and a lot of fingers of nasty mean things had been pointed at my friends and I. The woman had posts pulled, got 'slapped' by the moderator and disappeared. Two days later, a family member came on to tell all of us that she had been put in the hospital due to her cervical cancer that she had for two years, had turned for the worse. Within a week, this woman had been in and out of the hospital, posted her goodbyes on her home thread and flew to Ireland where she died within hours after landing there.
My friends and I had spoke to each other regarding this issue...most of us have personal losses to cancer. Most of us have watched loved ones die and some of us have battled cancer...we knew that this story had so many holes in it that it was falling apart. But we said nothing on the board that we all posted on with this woman...we didn't want to seem like the heartless guilt-filled bitches we seemed to feel like we were for doubting this woman's journey.
Until this woman's friends came out of the woodwork less than two days after the woman 'died' and claimed they had put together the pieces and they just didn't fit or make sense and this woman was very much alive and posting at another board within the site we post on.
Not only was her cancer story and death a lie, but her story of her missing daughter was a lie. Her daughter is alive and well and teaching an art course in the area where the family lives.
I've been physically sick over this...I've posted quite a few times my opinion on the situation...but my main issue with this is that there are so many of us in this world that have watched cancer steal the lives of those we love...and some of us can't have babies no matter how fucking hard we try.
And this crazy fucking sick despicable nut job loon posts that her teenage daughter is kidnapped and missing for over three years and that she, herself, had cancer and died while pretending to be 'family'.
Not once has she said she was sorry, not once has she seen the point some of us have made in saying that child services needs to go into this home and take the precious kids out...instead she has acted like she is the victim.
I've always thought it would be bad karma to lie about such horrible things about yourself...but I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that she conned people, including me, into believing her daughter was missing for three years. How could you pretend and fake that with people that called you a friend...that sent money to you to aid in the search of your child?
The woman came to a board that is free-speech and off-site from the heavily moderated one to play the victim and I asked her...How could she pretend her daughter was missing? How could she pretend she was sick and dying? i asked her if she was afraid of waking up some day and being sick with cancer and dying while one of her kids were missing and what would she do knowing she pretended that happened before it did? I didn't expect an answer and I haven't received one, but I would really like to know how she could sleep at night and how she can rationalize what she has lied about over the last few years. How can she look at her precious children and say that she loves them when she has lied about their well-being and such horrible things as one being missing and one being autistic?
I'm trying to save my fifth baby from miscarrying...I'm begging God to allow me to have this child because if I lose sweet pea, I'm not sure I can even consider and attempting to get pregnant again. I'm holding onto every strand of faith I can find to get me through this while mourning the loss of my fourth baby just days ago.
I just can't wrap my mind around it...it makes me ill just thinking that God has allowed people like her to have babies...while there are those of us that are struggling to conceive, carry and deliver healthy babies.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Welcome to the World Baby Girl H.
Just got a call that my friend, A, had a baby girl this afternoon. A's blood pressure was dangerously high and she went into kidney failure this morning so they went ahead with delivery. Baby Girl H is in NICU with underdeveloped lungs, but it looks promising. A is doing better this evening...her blood pressure has went down to a decent level and they think that her kidneys will be ok after a few weeks of recovery.
They haven't picked out a name yet since she is 2 months early and all I know is that she is a premie. I didn't keep A's hubby ont he phone long since he had more calls to make and wanted to be back with his wife and baby girl. I should know more tomorrow.
They haven't picked out a name yet since she is 2 months early and all I know is that she is a premie. I didn't keep A's hubby ont he phone long since he had more calls to make and wanted to be back with his wife and baby girl. I should know more tomorrow.
When you say nothing at all...
Not much to say today...I'm still torn, but trying my hardest to focus on the positive and staying in bed.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Why does my body hate me?
Well, I'm not sure what to even think, much less feel right now...I'm torn.
The ultrasound shows that one of the twins miscarried. It's apparently something called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. My body is supposed to absorb the remains of the baby that miscarried and shouldn't hurt the living one.
I'm numb and heartbroken and yet I know I need to be strong and thrilled about sweet pea still fighting to stay with me. It's hard for me to believe that just two weeks ago I saw them both and heard their heartbeats...today there was only one baby and one heartbeat.
One of the most bittersweet sounds I've ever heard and seen.
So my dear little sweet pea, please fight to stay with me...I don't know why my body hates being pregnant. I love it, I love the morning sickness, the feeling of knowing that a miracle is being created inside of me...I love hearing the heartbeats and seeing the little one develop week=by=week. I just don't understand why my body hates it so much So, please my dear sweet pea, please fight to stay with me. Don't leave me like your little sibling did...I love you. You don't know it yet, but I love you...just like I've loved your four siblings that just couldn't make it through the first tri-mester.
My blood pressure is still really high, we are monitoring it closely and I'm instructed to stay in bed as much as I can...
On a side note, one of my friends that is due on Jan. 7 had to be taken to the University hospital about an hour and a half away. Her blood pressure went through the roof and they are afraid they will have to induce labor or take the baby by C-section. They don't know what they are having because they wanted to wait, but I do know the little one's lungs aren't developed enough yet to be outside of the womb.
I feel like I'm rambling and I can't see the monitor for the tears.
The ultrasound shows that one of the twins miscarried. It's apparently something called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. My body is supposed to absorb the remains of the baby that miscarried and shouldn't hurt the living one.
I'm numb and heartbroken and yet I know I need to be strong and thrilled about sweet pea still fighting to stay with me. It's hard for me to believe that just two weeks ago I saw them both and heard their heartbeats...today there was only one baby and one heartbeat.
One of the most bittersweet sounds I've ever heard and seen.
So my dear little sweet pea, please fight to stay with me...I don't know why my body hates being pregnant. I love it, I love the morning sickness, the feeling of knowing that a miracle is being created inside of me...I love hearing the heartbeats and seeing the little one develop week=by=week. I just don't understand why my body hates it so much So, please my dear sweet pea, please fight to stay with me. Don't leave me like your little sibling did...I love you. You don't know it yet, but I love you...just like I've loved your four siblings that just couldn't make it through the first tri-mester.
My blood pressure is still really high, we are monitoring it closely and I'm instructed to stay in bed as much as I can...
On a side note, one of my friends that is due on Jan. 7 had to be taken to the University hospital about an hour and a half away. Her blood pressure went through the roof and they are afraid they will have to induce labor or take the baby by C-section. They don't know what they are having because they wanted to wait, but I do know the little one's lungs aren't developed enough yet to be outside of the womb.
I feel like I'm rambling and I can't see the monitor for the tears.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
So tomorrow is check-up day...
I haven't been feeling all that well over the last two days, no real cramping or spotting, but have had a raging headache, almost migraine-like and just feeling 'off'. We hve an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and I'm really excited to be able to get to see the babies and hear their heartbeats again! I am a little nervous that something is wrong which is causing me to feel so 'off', but I'm bound to stay positive. I did speak with my doctor yesterday and he didn't seem too concerned since I wasn't spotting or having any major cramps. He just felt it was my blood pressure being so elevated. So I'm doing my best to stay positive.
I finally and I mean FINALLY got propane today. The tank was at 0% and the pilot lights were still going and I was able to make breakfast this morning. It hadn't been filled since last February and I'm absolutely shocked that it didn't run out by now. $550 gone...but at least I can get warm and stay warm. A very hard task with just a space heater.
HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY!!!!!
I'm so close to so many veteran's, have so many loved ones that have served (and are serving) and I work with a group that served with my father. I've buried too many...some that didn't make it home from the wars.
So to those that have served and to those that are still serving...to those that are still on this Earth and to those that have passed on. Thank you for your sacrifice and service. All of you hold a special place in my heart and my thoughts.
I finally and I mean FINALLY got propane today. The tank was at 0% and the pilot lights were still going and I was able to make breakfast this morning. It hadn't been filled since last February and I'm absolutely shocked that it didn't run out by now. $550 gone...but at least I can get warm and stay warm. A very hard task with just a space heater.
HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY!!!!!
I'm so close to so many veteran's, have so many loved ones that have served (and are serving) and I work with a group that served with my father. I've buried too many...some that didn't make it home from the wars.
So to those that have served and to those that are still serving...to those that are still on this Earth and to those that have passed on. Thank you for your sacrifice and service. All of you hold a special place in my heart and my thoughts.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Reflections
I haven't felt all that well today. I've had a major headache for most of the day so I just stayed in bed.
I was thinking earlier about my miscarriages. It's hard for me to believe that it has been 10 years since my first one. My best friend and I (although she didn't know it until about 4 years ago) were pregnant at the same time. She has a wonderful 9 year old...who would be the same age as what my baby would have been. I lost my first baby on October 16, 1998 (at 7 weeks), just two weeks after finding out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. God, I can't believe it's been that long.
My second miscarriage happened before I had even confirmed I was pregnant. I was only 6 weeks along and had a suspicion, but I had just set up a doctor's appointment two days before I had spotting and severe cramping. When I got to the doctor's office, they sent me in for a D&C that afternoon. That was on December 10, 2001. I didn't even get to enjoy being pregnant before it was taken away.
Right before, during and after my second miscarriage, I was under an unbelievable amount of stress. I had my own health issues, had two surgeries, I had several family members go through horrible terminal illnesses, and we lost one of them within days of my miscarriage. I stopped trying for years...heck, even got married and divorced and let my guard down three years ago.
On January 14, 2006, I lost baby #3. I was 7 1/2 weeks along and had just found out 10 days before that I was pregnant.
Devastation. Not one, but three miscarriages. Three beautiful babies of mine gone. It was shortly after my third miscarriage that I realized I was having major problems with my period and my hormones were completely out of whack. I was diagnosed with PCOS within three months and since I've had three surgeries removing golf ball sized cysts (that just wouldn't go away). I've had a horrible family history of cancer, breast and ovarian in my grandmothers and aunts...and my doctors all seem to believe that it will hit me. I lost my mother when I was a child (on Christmas no less) to pancreatic cancer and kidney failure. She had PCOS, too, but I was too young to know anything about her condition and my dad doesn't really remember specifics, either.
So I've been reflecting this evening...I'm so thankful to be pregnant with twins, but I'm so scared and feel so alone in being so scared that this one won't last, either. My due date is June 15, 2009.
I really wish there had been more support for those of us that had miscarriages in early stages. I had to have D & C's with all of mine and there was absolutely little regard to the fact that I was a grieving mother...that I had lost something so precious and that my greatest dream and desire of being a mommy was shattered. Not many in my life know that I was pregnant, I always thought it would jinx me if I told people before I was in my second trimester. Plus, considering the fact that getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and delivering a healthy baby seems to be so hard for the women in my family, I knew that the chances of me being successful were slim, especially with the first pregnancies.
I just couldn't stand getting that look. That disappointed, sad look. Especially from those that have no idea what it is like to lose a child. I had one nurse that I had went to school with and had known since I was 5, tell me that the baby wasn't even 'really' alive yet and that I should just get over it.
Sorry chickie, my babies...were all alive...from the day of conception, they were alive. I loved them, I bonded with them, even my second one. I wanted them. I grieve them daily...not a day goes by that I don't think about them. Move on? I have never moved on. I have learned how to grieve and deal with the losses. I've learned how to be able to look, play, and love children, even when it broke my heart and reminded me that one of mine would be that age and even when a parent would inform me that 'I wouldn't know about something regarding parenting because I wasn't a mother'.
No, I haven't moved on...I have had to relearn how to be around those people, places and things that reminded me of my loss. I will grieve my babies til I take my last breath. You don't just 'move on' and 'get over it'.
**Deep Breath**
Sorry for the rant...I didn't intend on going down that path tonight while reflecting.
I was thinking earlier about my miscarriages. It's hard for me to believe that it has been 10 years since my first one. My best friend and I (although she didn't know it until about 4 years ago) were pregnant at the same time. She has a wonderful 9 year old...who would be the same age as what my baby would have been. I lost my first baby on October 16, 1998 (at 7 weeks), just two weeks after finding out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. God, I can't believe it's been that long.
My second miscarriage happened before I had even confirmed I was pregnant. I was only 6 weeks along and had a suspicion, but I had just set up a doctor's appointment two days before I had spotting and severe cramping. When I got to the doctor's office, they sent me in for a D&C that afternoon. That was on December 10, 2001. I didn't even get to enjoy being pregnant before it was taken away.
Right before, during and after my second miscarriage, I was under an unbelievable amount of stress. I had my own health issues, had two surgeries, I had several family members go through horrible terminal illnesses, and we lost one of them within days of my miscarriage. I stopped trying for years...heck, even got married and divorced and let my guard down three years ago.
On January 14, 2006, I lost baby #3. I was 7 1/2 weeks along and had just found out 10 days before that I was pregnant.
Devastation. Not one, but three miscarriages. Three beautiful babies of mine gone. It was shortly after my third miscarriage that I realized I was having major problems with my period and my hormones were completely out of whack. I was diagnosed with PCOS within three months and since I've had three surgeries removing golf ball sized cysts (that just wouldn't go away). I've had a horrible family history of cancer, breast and ovarian in my grandmothers and aunts...and my doctors all seem to believe that it will hit me. I lost my mother when I was a child (on Christmas no less) to pancreatic cancer and kidney failure. She had PCOS, too, but I was too young to know anything about her condition and my dad doesn't really remember specifics, either.
So I've been reflecting this evening...I'm so thankful to be pregnant with twins, but I'm so scared and feel so alone in being so scared that this one won't last, either. My due date is June 15, 2009.
I really wish there had been more support for those of us that had miscarriages in early stages. I had to have D & C's with all of mine and there was absolutely little regard to the fact that I was a grieving mother...that I had lost something so precious and that my greatest dream and desire of being a mommy was shattered. Not many in my life know that I was pregnant, I always thought it would jinx me if I told people before I was in my second trimester. Plus, considering the fact that getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and delivering a healthy baby seems to be so hard for the women in my family, I knew that the chances of me being successful were slim, especially with the first pregnancies.
I just couldn't stand getting that look. That disappointed, sad look. Especially from those that have no idea what it is like to lose a child. I had one nurse that I had went to school with and had known since I was 5, tell me that the baby wasn't even 'really' alive yet and that I should just get over it.
Sorry chickie, my babies...were all alive...from the day of conception, they were alive. I loved them, I bonded with them, even my second one. I wanted them. I grieve them daily...not a day goes by that I don't think about them. Move on? I have never moved on. I have learned how to grieve and deal with the losses. I've learned how to be able to look, play, and love children, even when it broke my heart and reminded me that one of mine would be that age and even when a parent would inform me that 'I wouldn't know about something regarding parenting because I wasn't a mother'.
No, I haven't moved on...I have had to relearn how to be around those people, places and things that reminded me of my loss. I will grieve my babies til I take my last breath. You don't just 'move on' and 'get over it'.
**Deep Breath**
Sorry for the rant...I didn't intend on going down that path tonight while reflecting.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I sat back and closed my eyes...
Oh. My. God.
I just woke up after crashing for a two hour nap. I'm still zapped. I was going to do a nice, long post about me, but well, I sat back, closed my eyes and next thing I know it's dark, cold, and two hours later.
I feel it will take days to get out everything I NEED to say, not to mention everything I want to say or ask.
I really wish that they would take off the big ole spam warning when someone goes to view my blog. I know, I'm impatient, but it really is annoying.
So I'm going back this week for a check-up. My blood pressure has been extremely high and since I've never made it this far with any of my other pregnancies, my doctor (bless him) is keeping a very close eye on me.
I need to go find some food. I'm sure I'll be back to write more in a few.
I just woke up after crashing for a two hour nap. I'm still zapped. I was going to do a nice, long post about me, but well, I sat back, closed my eyes and next thing I know it's dark, cold, and two hours later.
I feel it will take days to get out everything I NEED to say, not to mention everything I want to say or ask.
I really wish that they would take off the big ole spam warning when someone goes to view my blog. I know, I'm impatient, but it really is annoying.
So I'm going back this week for a check-up. My blood pressure has been extremely high and since I've never made it this far with any of my other pregnancies, my doctor (bless him) is keeping a very close eye on me.
I need to go find some food. I'm sure I'll be back to write more in a few.
Sunday afternoons...
So here I am again. I did blog elsewhere until my ex decided to cause problems with harassing me and those that followed my blogs. So I packed up and left.
Twins!!!! I still can't believe it. Definitely wasn't something I had planned on happening just yet. I'm thrilled, yet terrified. I'm doing this alone. Another thing I hadn't planned on.
I will be filling out more of my profile soon. I'm just not used to this format.
There is one thing everyone needs to know...I am a music junkie. It is my passion and besides being a mom, it is the only other thing that fills my soul and makes me feel alive. I'm always looking for new music. Currently I'm back to writing songs since I am supposed to be taking it easy.
Twins!!!! I still can't believe it. Definitely wasn't something I had planned on happening just yet. I'm thrilled, yet terrified. I'm doing this alone. Another thing I hadn't planned on.
I will be filling out more of my profile soon. I'm just not used to this format.
There is one thing everyone needs to know...I am a music junkie. It is my passion and besides being a mom, it is the only other thing that fills my soul and makes me feel alive. I'm always looking for new music. Currently I'm back to writing songs since I am supposed to be taking it easy.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
My first blog...
Will be rather short...I'm still trying to get used to this. I needed a place to put my thoughts and feelings.
I have PCOS. I'm in my 30's and am 9 weeks pregnant with twins. After three miscarriages and a bad marriage...I'm at a crossroads for what comes next. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We have been concerned that every cyst will be the one that is cancerous. I have a history of cancer in my family. I'm terrified that the one thing in the world that I've wanted most, the one thing that kept me going through all of the bad times may be taken away from me.
I've always wanted to be a mom.
That's the start...more to come.
I have PCOS. I'm in my 30's and am 9 weeks pregnant with twins. After three miscarriages and a bad marriage...I'm at a crossroads for what comes next. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We have been concerned that every cyst will be the one that is cancerous. I have a history of cancer in my family. I'm terrified that the one thing in the world that I've wanted most, the one thing that kept me going through all of the bad times may be taken away from me.
I've always wanted to be a mom.
That's the start...more to come.
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