Reflections

After going through three other miscarriages, I thought it would get easier or that I would at least be used to the pain. Maybe everything is just magnified by the fact that I'm alone right now, waiting for my twins dad to finally get here after attempting to travel home on Monday. Maybe it's because I've lost my mom and several other family members and friends on and around the holidays. Maybe it's because I feel so empty even though I'm still carrying my babies when I know they are dead. Maybe it's because I am in so much pain, physically and emotionally. Maybe it's everything.

Since I am laid up and can't get out. Ice and broken bones don't mix. I'm going to stay home, alone, for Christmas. Not that I really wanted to be around anyone, but being alone isn't exactly what I wanted, either.

Everything is a struggle. I go to do or to avoid doing things, thinking what will it do to my baby. Then it hits me, in a rush and like a ton of bricks, that it doesn't matter what I do, my babies are already gone. One has been gone longer than the other by several weeks, but it doesn't matter. It still sears through me.

I miss my mom. Even though it's been twenty years and I was still a child when she died, she ALWAYS knew how to make me feel better. I miss my babies. I was starting to really feel the little one move. I was so hopeful yet walked on eggshells because I knew that at any moment I could lose them.

I'm starting to believe that the one thing in the world that I wanted and that I always dreamed of...the one thing that I would answer when most people would say they wanted to be doctors, lawyers, teachers was that I wanted to be a mommy. I have wanted it so bad since I was a kid that i could taste it. It outweighed my love and passion for music. I am starting to believe that me being a mommy isn't meant to be. That dream is slowly slipping away from me, gaining speed by the day.

I was the kid that would always ask Santa to make my mom better, to always give my parents and grandparents more money so we could afford the necessities because the medical bills were breaking us. I was the one kid that wanted nothing tangible, except to have my family together a little longer. I was the one kid that was crying over the unwrapped presents instead of playing with them. I was the kid that was burying her mom between Christmas and New Years, while everyone else was playing with their toys and having fun with their families. Being the only child after my older brother died before I was born, I have always been independent, but being alone isn't all that's cracked up to be because after you lose those very few family members, then you're alone.

I'm the one that everyone has to be fake to around the holidays because they don't know how to talk to someone that lost a parent on a holiday that is supposed to be filled with goodness and hope.

I used to think there was nothing worse than losing a parent, on Christmas while being a child, but there is...

Losing twins has by far, beat out anything I've ever experienced. It beats losing a parent on the happiest holida and it beats divorcing a husband that was so mean even though I loved him with everything I could.

I thought I would be used to the pain by now, but I'm not and I don't think I'll ever be.

I hope that those that read my blog will do me one favor...hug and kiss your babies if you have children and make sure you hug and kiss your parents if you still have yours. Make sure they know you love them and that you know how lucky you are.


A quote I have heard in several places, but it fits my frame of mind so well right now:

When you lose your parents, you're an orphan. When you lose a spouse, you're a widow or widower. When you lose a child, there is no word for that.