Well, I'm home. After spending the better part of the last week in the hospital, I'm finally home. I have been in alot of pain, cramping and spotting and my blood pressure is still sky high. The baby's heart rate is abnormal and the twin's remains that I lost still hasn't absorbed into my body like it should. And not a freaking doctor around here is smart enough to know what to do about all of this. So after making two trips to the ER, they finally just admitted me, but we know as much now as we did when they admitted me.

I came home to two phone calls. One was from my ex-husband who is abusive. The other is from my ex-boyfriend who I had been with for 15 months and just stopped talking to me for the last two months.

The ex-husband issue is a really long and complicated story so I will safe that for another day.

So my ex-boyfriend...I suppose I can call him that since he had not spoke to me for over two months, called me. Acted like nothing had happened. We had been together for close to 15 months before he stopped talking to me (no explanation from him at all) and in the last two months I've had several women tell me that he had been with them.

Great, another cheater!

Well, he had a vascectomy over 10 years ago that can't be reversed (we tried) and he has three sons. I wanted a baby so bad that he agreed to allow me to find a donor (we had one already chosen) and in September I tried and conceived on the first try. Conceiving hasn't been a huge issue if I can find someone fertile enough so I haven't really had to look into fertility specialists and treatments. It's actually being pregannt that kicks my butt.

So back to the topic at hand. As soon as we go through with this, he disappears...literally for a few weeks and completely stops talking to me all together. I finally decided that I needed to focus on me and my health...and was trying to take care of myself in case I had actually suceeded in conceiving. I wrote that 15 month relationship (we were discussing marriage, which I had swore I would never do again) off and decided that if he wasn't willing to talk to me about what was going on then he wasn't worth my time to cry over.

I did cry...he broke my heart. Then I found out I was pregnant with twins and shortly after lost one to Vanishing Twin Syndrome.

So today when I get home and heard his message on the machine...I flipped! He acted like NOTHING had happened and that we had been the same as we were.

Well buddy boy, let me tell you a few things....

I spent A LOT of time, money and energy loving you and taking care of you when NO one else would. I spent countless sleepless nights worrying about you when you were sick and when you started going through the financial crisis you were in. Then you decided to move back to the place where your siblings were..and it was a bit away from me. Fine...I encouraged it, but I also told you that if our relationship suffered and you stopped communicating with me that it would be over. That lasted for a whole 4 months before you decided to move in with a friend who needed your help fixing up their house. A married woman with a husband and kids. I had BIG problems with this in August when it happened. You didn't bother to allow me to have an opinion and that pissed me off. But I knew they needed help and they were willing to allow you to live in their spare room while you helped them.

I ignored my gut instinct that it was a bad idea for you to do that. I ignored your pleas that it was to help someone else. Help someone else while I was dealing with health issues that arose in the last three months...Thanks. Thank you very fucking much for showing me the love and compassion that I showed you when YOU needed me. By the way, you have burnt your bridges with your family, including your sons. Everyone has called me looking for you because you fucked off without telling any of them where you were going and they had an emergency. You have managed to piss everyone off except the little ho you lived with...by the way, I have spoke to her husband and I know what was going on.

I also spoke to the four other women that you have apparently been screwing while you were having big fun and left me to worry about the major things...like money and our future. I know my ex-husband contacted you when you stopped speaking to me. I also know that if you believe one word from his mouth after everything you and I have been through then you really are a dumbass. You have seen my scars and you KNOW what he did to me. Now after finding out that all of your girlfriends are done with you, you call me and act like nothing happened and like we had never had two months of pure silence and pure worry and heartache for me.

Well guess what. I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I don't need you or your crap. If you want me in your life YOU have to fix what YOU fucked up. I'm done calling and seeing you. I'm done helping you. I'm done worrying about you. I'm done being your messenger service for you family because you can't call them and tell them you're ok. I'm done planning a future with you in it. You missed out on the first pregnancy test. You missed out on the first few ultrasounds. You missed out on hearing and seeing both babies...and now only the one. It's your loss. Not mine. I owe you nothing.

You will not be the father of MY child. I started the journey with you because I knew if I didn't do this now and that the longer I wait, the less likely I will be able to have a child. The cysts have been ravaging my ovaries for years. I will continue this journey as long as I'm allowed. I will continue to be the strong, independent woman that I am.

So when you call me back tomorrow and if I decide to answer the phone, you will hear what I have to say. If you want any type of relationship with me, you will have to put the effort, time and love into it. The ball will be in your court because until you prove to me that things are different then we are done. There will be no more women. There will be no more sob stories of friends (married or single) of needing your help and the offer to live with them. If you want me, you will have to be here again with your own apartment and your own job and you will fix the screw-up with your child-support. No boyfriend of mine will be paying an ex-wife child-support when you had custody of the kid three years before he turned 18...not to mention the fact that he was living with you almost a year after his 18th birthday. Paying some stupid bitch money that isn't hers to begin with is ridiculous and even more stupid when you lose everything because she is getting $400 a month for a son she didn't even have custody of when he turned 18. I digress, though...it takes effort and time to get it straightened out and that's why you wanted me to help you with it...because you didn't want to put the effort into fixing the screw-up.

I refuse to allow you back into my life if you aren't willing to prove to me that you love me and want me in your life. I have my baby to think about now. I am not going to bust my butt supporting you only to have you give everything away to everyone else.

Because everything I have is going to my baby. My focus is on my child. Get your priorities straight and then call me. Stop the lies and the cheating. Your priorities should be your kids and me, a job, and an apartment. Those were your priorities when we met. I still don't know why you decided to stop caring about it. I thought you wanted me and the child that I am carrying. You still don't know. It doesn't matter if you did, it changes nothing between us. Only you can change what you fucked up.

Don't worry though, baby...I won't be holding my breath or waiting by the phone.

(I doubt you are reading this...but I needed to get it out of my system and I feel so much better now.)


Now I need to take myself to bed. I need rest and tomorrow I will conitnue the Thanksgiving drama saga.

24 and a blogger rant.

Ok, first off, I need to rant. Is there a freaking live person at Google and why aren't they doing anything for those of us that are requesting our blogs to be unlocked? I know I'm not the only one that has this issue and I can't understand why they say 48 hours after the review request is sent that I have to continually request reviews every week.
Denze
For the love of Jack! What do I have to do to get someone HUMAN to unlock my dang blog?

Ok, rant over...now to the good stuff.


24: Redemption was on last night and I have watched it three times since. My God, I've missed Jack!! Ok, so Kiefer is my favorite actor of all-time and I've met him. When girls my age were oggling Johnny Depp and Denzel Washington, I was in love with Kiefer. I've seen everything he's been in more than once and own most of it and I actively help with getting the word out about the groups that his label signs. But that's another blog for another day...I just have to get back on track with the movie from last night.

I've heard alot of bad reviews from folks saying that it wasn't 24 enough for them. Well, buddy boy, I am here to tell you why. It is about putting a message out there about kids being recruited for wars in other countries. A message that is so personal to me because I have a military family and most of my friends are military, too. When they come back from fighting, I've had all of them tell me that the one thing they can't deal with is the fact they had to shoot or was shot at by children.

So, the prequel to Season 7 isn't about the twists of 24. It deals with what has happened to Jack up to this point. The Africa part was supposed to be four hours, but they couldn't justify the real time issue getting from Africa to D.C. I believe it would have been more 24-like if they had been able to air all of what was intended, but due to the glaring issues around their real-time issue, they made a point to show people that there is a real problem in this world in other countries, countries our men and women are fighting in every day, regarding children being recruited to fight in wars.

I enjoyed it, but I knew it wasn't going to have all of the twists and turns that 24 has during the season. I can understand why alot of people are upset that it just didn't present what the show normally presents, but seriously, it was just a prequel that was intended to be four hours long and had to be cut due to the time restraints and because of the long-hiatus that brought the opportunity for that story-line to be a 2-hour prequel. It was predictible, but sheesh, what did people expect for a prequel that leads up to Season 7. (Of course, I'm biased because I know most of the spoilers for the new season.)

Jack is back!

(I have GOT to learn how to do pictures on here!)

Joys of Life...

I spent last night at my BFF's house. Her son would be the same age as my first one if I had actually carried to term. There are times that it just hurts so damn much to look at him. He's so happy and growing so much. I'm like an aunt to him, heck, for his first five years, I was his babysitter. Regardless, I love and miss him when life gets in the way of me being able to hang out owith them.

I haven't seen much of them lately. We live 10 minutes apart, but she works 6 days a week and he is in several extra-curricular activities so time is a huge issue. Plus, I have felt like hell for the better part of the year, have several family members that I have to take care of, had a really ill furbaby for the first 9 months of the year and now I'm pregnant. Which she doesn't know yet.

But last night, he came up to me and curled up on my lap and gave me a huge hug and told me that he missed me so much. He updated me on all of the happenings and told me everything he'd learned in school. Of course, I would sit there and go through every mood I could...laughing and crying. I've missed being around them.

So tonight, after 24: Redemption, I will be posting my feelings on the movie. I'm so glad Jack is back. I love me some Kiefer.

Just attempting to focus

Not much new has been going on. My blood pressure has been up and down like a freaking yo-yo, so I've been in the ER several times this week. Sweet pea is still hanging in there. I have just really been enjoying being pregnant at this stage because this is the first pregnancy of mine that has go to this point.

I do have to say I'm extremely excited for Sunday night. 24 is back after a long hiatus and I can't wait to see what my Jack is up to now! It is one of my guilty pleasures. I can't wait to get back into the groove again of having that hour to myself.

I'm really having a hard time focusing so I'll have to write another blog later.

Baby surge

I sat down tonight to two new baby arrival announcements, the announcement from one of my cousins that they are having a girl, news from a friend of mine that her step-daughter is having major health issues and that this baby she's having is going to be her last because of the health issues, and more news on Baby Girl H. Plus, I spoke with an old high school friend who is due any day now and she told me about three girls we went to school with that are pregnant.

The entire time, I'm biting my tongue, wanting to shout out that I am 10 weeks pregnant. That I was pregnant with twins and lost one last week to Vanishing Twin Syndrome and that I am doing my damndest to NOT lose sweet pea.

I want to tell my friends and my family that I finally am going to be a mommy. I want to shout it from the rooftops and from a mountain.

But I won't...not yet. I'm afraid that I'll jinx things. I'm afraid that it is too early to tell people. The only ones that knows are my best friends C, K, and R, the daddy, and of course you all.

What I don't understand and doubt that i ever will is the messed up system where cracked-out addicts and those that don't want babies or those that mistreat their kids can have babies so easily. It is the one thing that keeps testing my faith. The one thing that makes me wonder, at times, if there really is a God or higher-power. Why is it that there are so many unwanted children in this world when there are so many parents that desire and ache to be parents? Why wouldn't God or whatever higher-power there is not give the innocent babies to those that truly desire and need them?

It's the one thing in this world that has always tested my faith. I've lived through alot of sickness and death...violence and abuse...and losing so many that I loved and cared about and was able, in some sort of way, understand what the reason for it was. But to not allow children, who are being born to parents that don't want them or that mistreats them, to be born to parents that are trying so hard to conceive and carry successfully to term is beyond my grasp.


Ok, on a side note, I'm still crampy and confused (hormones, maybe?) and I'm hoping that when I go in to see my doctor tomorrow that my blood pressure has went down.

Confused and crampy

I've spent the better part of the day at the ER because of major bring-me-to-my-knees cramps and bleeding. Sweet pea is still hanging in there and still has a heartbeat, but I'm so completely and utterly freaked out. My doctor was called in and he called in another doctor for a second opinion, to make sure he shouldn't admit me, but since Sweet pea's heartbeat was normal for 10 weeks, they decided that I should be at home and in bed...resting. My blood pressure is still high...180/110, which is about where it has been for the last four weeks. So I've been ordered to stay in bed and if anything changes, I need to go to the ER ASAP and no stress.

No stress? Really? You have got to be freaking kidding me!

I've been trying to find my place in this world...I can conceive, but I haven't (yet) been able to carry a child to term. Am I considered infertile? It's been 2 1/2 years since I was diagnosed with PCOS, but this is the first time since the diagnosis that I attempted (and succeeded) at getting pregnant. I have been fighting cysts for the last few years and really never thought about being infertile. I just thought that I was doing something wrong when I got pregnant that caused me to miscarry. My doctor and I have discussed it, but he said he really didn't consider me infertile since I could get pregnant without alot of testing and specialists involved, but he did express concern that the more cysts and miscarriages that happen, the less likely I would be able to conceive and carry a child to term.

I tried to explain this to my best friend, but God help him, he really doesn't get it and I believe he thinks I've lost my mind. He said I make little sense to him when I talk about that subject to him. Which has led me to not talk about it to anyone else that is a part of my offline life. If he, someone that knows me better than I know myself at times and is quite sensitive with the baby-making subject, can't understand what I'm thinking and what I'm wondering, then will anyone?

I'm confused and crampy and wish things would start making sense to me.

How could a mother do it?

I belong to a board where I have met some of my closest friends. There was a woman...she didn't much like my friends and me, but she had become the sweetheart of this board over the past few years. Anyway this woman had a horrible life. I felt sorry for her...gave her the benefit of the doubt. Her teenage daughter had been missing for three years...someone had kidnapped her. This woman has two other children, one is a boy that has autism.

About a month ago, this woman started a thread...it got heated, real heated and a lot of fingers of nasty mean things had been pointed at my friends and I. The woman had posts pulled, got 'slapped' by the moderator and disappeared. Two days later, a family member came on to tell all of us that she had been put in the hospital due to her cervical cancer that she had for two years, had turned for the worse. Within a week, this woman had been in and out of the hospital, posted her goodbyes on her home thread and flew to Ireland where she died within hours after landing there.

My friends and I had spoke to each other regarding this issue...most of us have personal losses to cancer. Most of us have watched loved ones die and some of us have battled cancer...we knew that this story had so many holes in it that it was falling apart. But we said nothing on the board that we all posted on with this woman...we didn't want to seem like the heartless guilt-filled bitches we seemed to feel like we were for doubting this woman's journey.

Until this woman's friends came out of the woodwork less than two days after the woman 'died' and claimed they had put together the pieces and they just didn't fit or make sense and this woman was very much alive and posting at another board within the site we post on.

Not only was her cancer story and death a lie, but her story of her missing daughter was a lie. Her daughter is alive and well and teaching an art course in the area where the family lives.

I've been physically sick over this...I've posted quite a few times my opinion on the situation...but my main issue with this is that there are so many of us in this world that have watched cancer steal the lives of those we love...and some of us can't have babies no matter how fucking hard we try.

And this crazy fucking sick despicable nut job loon posts that her teenage daughter is kidnapped and missing for over three years and that she, herself, had cancer and died while pretending to be 'family'.

Not once has she said she was sorry, not once has she seen the point some of us have made in saying that child services needs to go into this home and take the precious kids out...instead she has acted like she is the victim.

I've always thought it would be bad karma to lie about such horrible things about yourself...but I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that she conned people, including me, into believing her daughter was missing for three years. How could you pretend and fake that with people that called you a friend...that sent money to you to aid in the search of your child?

The woman came to a board that is free-speech and off-site from the heavily moderated one to play the victim and I asked her...How could she pretend her daughter was missing? How could she pretend she was sick and dying? i asked her if she was afraid of waking up some day and being sick with cancer and dying while one of her kids were missing and what would she do knowing she pretended that happened before it did? I didn't expect an answer and I haven't received one, but I would really like to know how she could sleep at night and how she can rationalize what she has lied about over the last few years. How can she look at her precious children and say that she loves them when she has lied about their well-being and such horrible things as one being missing and one being autistic?

I'm trying to save my fifth baby from miscarrying...I'm begging God to allow me to have this child because if I lose sweet pea, I'm not sure I can even consider and attempting to get pregnant again. I'm holding onto every strand of faith I can find to get me through this while mourning the loss of my fourth baby just days ago.

I just can't wrap my mind around it...it makes me ill just thinking that God has allowed people like her to have babies...while there are those of us that are struggling to conceive, carry and deliver healthy babies.

Welcome to the World Baby Girl H.

Just got a call that my friend, A, had a baby girl this afternoon. A's blood pressure was dangerously high and she went into kidney failure this morning so they went ahead with delivery. Baby Girl H is in NICU with underdeveloped lungs, but it looks promising. A is doing better this evening...her blood pressure has went down to a decent level and they think that her kidneys will be ok after a few weeks of recovery.

They haven't picked out a name yet since she is 2 months early and all I know is that she is a premie. I didn't keep A's hubby ont he phone long since he had more calls to make and wanted to be back with his wife and baby girl. I should know more tomorrow.

When you say nothing at all...

Not much to say today...I'm still torn, but trying my hardest to focus on the positive and staying in bed.

Why does my body hate me?

Well, I'm not sure what to even think, much less feel right now...I'm torn.

The ultrasound shows that one of the twins miscarried. It's apparently something called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. My body is supposed to absorb the remains of the baby that miscarried and shouldn't hurt the living one.

I'm numb and heartbroken and yet I know I need to be strong and thrilled about sweet pea still fighting to stay with me. It's hard for me to believe that just two weeks ago I saw them both and heard their heartbeats...today there was only one baby and one heartbeat.

One of the most bittersweet sounds I've ever heard and seen.

So my dear little sweet pea, please fight to stay with me...I don't know why my body hates being pregnant. I love it, I love the morning sickness, the feeling of knowing that a miracle is being created inside of me...I love hearing the heartbeats and seeing the little one develop week=by=week. I just don't understand why my body hates it so much So, please my dear sweet pea, please fight to stay with me. Don't leave me like your little sibling did...I love you. You don't know it yet, but I love you...just like I've loved your four siblings that just couldn't make it through the first tri-mester.

My blood pressure is still really high, we are monitoring it closely and I'm instructed to stay in bed as much as I can...

On a side note, one of my friends that is due on Jan. 7 had to be taken to the University hospital about an hour and a half away. Her blood pressure went through the roof and they are afraid they will have to induce labor or take the baby by C-section. They don't know what they are having because they wanted to wait, but I do know the little one's lungs aren't developed enough yet to be outside of the womb.

I feel like I'm rambling and I can't see the monitor for the tears.

So tomorrow is check-up day...

I haven't been feeling all that well over the last two days, no real cramping or spotting, but have had a raging headache, almost migraine-like and just feeling 'off'. We hve an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and I'm really excited to be able to get to see the babies and hear their heartbeats again! I am a little nervous that something is wrong which is causing me to feel so 'off', but I'm bound to stay positive. I did speak with my doctor yesterday and he didn't seem too concerned since I wasn't spotting or having any major cramps. He just felt it was my blood pressure being so elevated. So I'm doing my best to stay positive.

I finally and I mean FINALLY got propane today. The tank was at 0% and the pilot lights were still going and I was able to make breakfast this morning. It hadn't been filled since last February and I'm absolutely shocked that it didn't run out by now. $550 gone...but at least I can get warm and stay warm. A very hard task with just a space heater.

HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY!!!!!

I'm so close to so many veteran's, have so many loved ones that have served (and are serving) and I work with a group that served with my father. I've buried too many...some that didn't make it home from the wars.

So to those that have served and to those that are still serving...to those that are still on this Earth and to those that have passed on. Thank you for your sacrifice and service. All of you hold a special place in my heart and my thoughts.

Reflections

I haven't felt all that well today. I've had a major headache for most of the day so I just stayed in bed.

I was thinking earlier about my miscarriages. It's hard for me to believe that it has been 10 years since my first one. My best friend and I (although she didn't know it until about 4 years ago) were pregnant at the same time. She has a wonderful 9 year old...who would be the same age as what my baby would have been. I lost my first baby on October 16, 1998 (at 7 weeks), just two weeks after finding out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. God, I can't believe it's been that long.

My second miscarriage happened before I had even confirmed I was pregnant. I was only 6 weeks along and had a suspicion, but I had just set up a doctor's appointment two days before I had spotting and severe cramping. When I got to the doctor's office, they sent me in for a D&C that afternoon. That was on December 10, 2001. I didn't even get to enjoy being pregnant before it was taken away.

Right before, during and after my second miscarriage, I was under an unbelievable amount of stress. I had my own health issues, had two surgeries, I had several family members go through horrible terminal illnesses, and we lost one of them within days of my miscarriage. I stopped trying for years...heck, even got married and divorced and let my guard down three years ago.

On January 14, 2006, I lost baby #3. I was 7 1/2 weeks along and had just found out 10 days before that I was pregnant.

Devastation. Not one, but three miscarriages. Three beautiful babies of mine gone. It was shortly after my third miscarriage that I realized I was having major problems with my period and my hormones were completely out of whack. I was diagnosed with PCOS within three months and since I've had three surgeries removing golf ball sized cysts (that just wouldn't go away). I've had a horrible family history of cancer, breast and ovarian in my grandmothers and aunts...and my doctors all seem to believe that it will hit me. I lost my mother when I was a child (on Christmas no less) to pancreatic cancer and kidney failure. She had PCOS, too, but I was too young to know anything about her condition and my dad doesn't really remember specifics, either.

So I've been reflecting this evening...I'm so thankful to be pregnant with twins, but I'm so scared and feel so alone in being so scared that this one won't last, either. My due date is June 15, 2009.

I really wish there had been more support for those of us that had miscarriages in early stages. I had to have D & C's with all of mine and there was absolutely little regard to the fact that I was a grieving mother...that I had lost something so precious and that my greatest dream and desire of being a mommy was shattered. Not many in my life know that I was pregnant, I always thought it would jinx me if I told people before I was in my second trimester. Plus, considering the fact that getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and delivering a healthy baby seems to be so hard for the women in my family, I knew that the chances of me being successful were slim, especially with the first pregnancies.

I just couldn't stand getting that look. That disappointed, sad look. Especially from those that have no idea what it is like to lose a child. I had one nurse that I had went to school with and had known since I was 5, tell me that the baby wasn't even 'really' alive yet and that I should just get over it.

Sorry chickie, my babies...were all alive...from the day of conception, they were alive. I loved them, I bonded with them, even my second one. I wanted them. I grieve them daily...not a day goes by that I don't think about them. Move on? I have never moved on. I have learned how to grieve and deal with the losses. I've learned how to be able to look, play, and love children, even when it broke my heart and reminded me that one of mine would be that age and even when a parent would inform me that 'I wouldn't know about something regarding parenting because I wasn't a mother'.

No, I haven't moved on...I have had to relearn how to be around those people, places and things that reminded me of my loss. I will grieve my babies til I take my last breath. You don't just 'move on' and 'get over it'.

**Deep Breath**

Sorry for the rant...I didn't intend on going down that path tonight while reflecting.

I sat back and closed my eyes...

Oh. My. God.

I just woke up after crashing for a two hour nap. I'm still zapped. I was going to do a nice, long post about me, but well, I sat back, closed my eyes and next thing I know it's dark, cold, and two hours later.

I feel it will take days to get out everything I NEED to say, not to mention everything I want to say or ask.

I really wish that they would take off the big ole spam warning when someone goes to view my blog. I know, I'm impatient, but it really is annoying.

So I'm going back this week for a check-up. My blood pressure has been extremely high and since I've never made it this far with any of my other pregnancies, my doctor (bless him) is keeping a very close eye on me.

I need to go find some food. I'm sure I'll be back to write more in a few.

Sunday afternoons...

So here I am again. I did blog elsewhere until my ex decided to cause problems with harassing me and those that followed my blogs. So I packed up and left.

Twins!!!! I still can't believe it. Definitely wasn't something I had planned on happening just yet. I'm thrilled, yet terrified. I'm doing this alone. Another thing I hadn't planned on.

I will be filling out more of my profile soon. I'm just not used to this format.

There is one thing everyone needs to know...I am a music junkie. It is my passion and besides being a mom, it is the only other thing that fills my soul and makes me feel alive. I'm always looking for new music. Currently I'm back to writing songs since I am supposed to be taking it easy.

My first blog...

Will be rather short...I'm still trying to get used to this. I needed a place to put my thoughts and feelings.

I have PCOS. I'm in my 30's and am 9 weeks pregnant with twins. After three miscarriages and a bad marriage...I'm at a crossroads for what comes next. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We have been concerned that every cyst will be the one that is cancerous. I have a history of cancer in my family. I'm terrified that the one thing in the world that I've wanted most, the one thing that kept me going through all of the bad times may be taken away from me.

I've always wanted to be a mom.

That's the start...more to come.