Cruel Intentions

I didn't mean to say it. I didn't mean to say it outloud today to family. Especially to my sweet cousin that just found out she's expecting.

For that brief moment, I wondered, with a smile on my face if our children would be as close as we were when we were growing up. Almost like sisters. At least we were close until she and my ex got close while my ex and I were together. That is another thing for another day...but it was the beginning of the end of our friendship.

Tonight was the end.

I couldn't get out so my family brought Christmas to me. Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Dad. I asked them not to, begged them to stay away because even though I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to face the questions and exclamations at how big I am and what was wrong.

Not today, not today of all days. I didn't want to have to explain this to anyone. I didn't want to be the party crasher today as I usually am. I just wanted to grieve alone without questions and the exclamations on how big I'm getting that is always followed by the same baby questions because it was obvious now that I am pregnant and my cousin had seen me about a week ago and even though I hadn't made an announcement, I figured that my extra round belly would be a popular topic amongst them.

But why should I get anything I want or ask for...especially today, the day that has always came crashing down as one of the worst days of my life since I was a kid.

So everyone shows up, we're talking and almost instantly the questions start...first to me, then to her. I pray they focus on her. I did my damndest to get the attention off of me, but then a hand landed on my tummy with an exclamation that my aunt could feel the baby move. She didn't feel movement, but I was too busy trying to answer questions about when, who, etc to say anything as my heart sank, I desperately tried to choke back the tears. I knew it wouldn't take much more to push me over that edge. No one knew that I lost a twin to VTS. So when my cousin said that she had an ultrasound and tthey thought that she either had a blood clot or had lost a twin, I couldn't stop the tears.

I pulled myself up and hobbled into the bedroom, pretending to look for something but knowing full well that I had to cry...just for a few minutes. I stayed in the room for a bit and my cousin came in. I had no idea she would say something that would forever change how I think of her or how I'll think of her kids.

She sat down next to me and in one breath said, "I know you got pregnant first, but I wish that it would be me that would have the first baby of us grandkids. I mean you aren't even married, what kind of a life is your baby going to have? By the way, can you put in a good word for me so I can get an appointment to see your OB/GYN?" (She is 10 weeks and has not found or even tried to find an OB/GYN and has made at least one trip to the ER due to spotting and cramping.)

I had to take a minute to let what she said hit me and before I could even think of what to say, my mouth opened and this is what I blurted out. "Be careful what you wish for. You're going to feel really fucking shitty when you realize your wish has come true. You just told me that you wished my babies were dead so you could have the first great grandchild. No matter how i have ever felt or feel, I would never wish that on anyone. Even after having three miscarriages before this." (She didn't know I had three miscarriages, only a few people in my family knew before today.)

She stared at me with this really blank, uncaring look and smarted off to me that s how she felt and she didn't care what happens, that she wanted to be the first to have a baby, even if it meant my baby dying.

At this point, I'm in tears, shaking, trying to hobble back into the other room to tell everyone to get out. Before I could say anything, my older cousin asked what was wrong and his little sister told him what happened and ending her answer with, "You know how she is at Christmas, I didn't know she'd be a fucking crybaby."

He locked eyes with me (we're closer to me than I am with my other family now, so he knew when he saw them, what was going on.) I told everyone that I had micarried twins...one to VTS several weeks ago and the other this past weekend. That I am still pregnant and am supposed to go in for a D&C when K(the daddy) gets home and that he is stranded in Seattle, then Chicago, and has finally got a flight out for in the morning to be here. He wanted to rent a car last night to drive on down since it would have got him here today, but he is so exhausted and I finally talked him into booking the flight for Friday morning so he could sleep last night and today at a hotel and meet up with a mutual friend of ours for dinner today. That I wanted to be alone today because I didn't want questions and I didn't want to have to answer them. Then I looked at my cousin and told her that I hoped she was happy her wish came true. That my babies (my fourth and fifth babies) were dead and that I will get to spend tomorrow afternoon getting them sucked out of my body. That instead of planning my future with my babies, I get to figure out what I want to do with their remains. So, Merry fucking Christmas and get the fuck out of my house.

No, I'm sorry and the tears don't make it better. The act that you feel so damned sad doesn't make it better cause I know you don't. You can't take back what you said and what you meant...especially when you stated it twice that it is how you truly feel.

I'll always love you, my dear little cousin...you will always remain the little sister i'll never have, but you no longer have my respect or love and I'll always see your kids as something that you wanted so you could shove it in your brothers, their wives, and my faces. You never wanted kids until you found out that J and I have been trying to conceive, me for years and her for a year. So I'll end with this one last note, in case you ever find your way here (which I doubt, but I have to say it.)

I never hope you experience the sorrow of losing a child. Wheether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or after your child is born. I hope you never have to feel the pain and sorrow I feel. I hope you never have to hear those words that your child doesn't have a heartbeat and that you will never have to have your uterus scraped and your child's remains sucked out of your body as if he/she didn't matter. I hope you never have to endure the wrath of a hateful, spiteful, spoiled, bratty child that you always consided a sister or friend. I hope you never have to make the choice of casket, urn, or nothing instead of what colors to pain the nursey or what name you want your baby to have. I hope you don't have to have your heart repeatedly broken because your (or your husband's) body doesn't work like it's supposed to.

As much as I hate you right now, I hope you never have to feel the way I do. Not only have I lost my babies, but I've lost someone that I thought would be beside me through the most precious and exciting time of my life and that you would be able to experience your own joy as we would watch our kids grow up together. I don't know much right now, but I do know that it will take years for our relationship to be repaired, if at all because you being sorry just isn't good enough this time.


I want to thank those of you that have shown your support to me right now. I just want to tell you that you are helping me get through one of the worst things i've ever experienced in my life and I couldn't do it without you. I do wish you Happy Holidays and a very Happy and hopefully expectiing New Year.