Dear family member....

Dear Family Member,

I am attempting to control my anger.  A resolution for 2013. Control my anger better.  However, instead of repeating myself to you, since you are obviously not able to understand what I am saying, I am blogging it.

Cause otherwise, I might just completely snap...and you REALLY don't want me to do that.

I am so completely sick and tired of being the ONLY adult in this family. It is NOT my job to settle the estates that should have been settled years ago and it is NOT my job to be head boss.  I don't want that job...but since you and several others think it is ok to be an adult, yet not take on the responsibilities that you volunteered for then the crapload of responsibility has fell into MY lap...and my load is already overflowing.

Here's the thing...you assume too much and think you know everything.  Sad thing is, you know NOTHING and absolutely nothing as to why I have put my big girl panties on and pursued this so it will finally END.  Not only that, but you moved your sorry ass 9 hours away and expect to get information from your mother...the head bitch that does NOT want to do ANYTHING but does NOT want to relinquish the control so it can be finished.  It's sad really...this affects so many people and yet none of them want to take the reins so it will be done and laid to rest.

You judge me when you have no idea who I really am.   I have spent eons on time worrying about you... You didn't know that and I suspect you really wouldn't give a damn.  You're an adult, but you are still stuck in child mode.  Selfish and junior-high judgemental behavior.  You lack common sense.  I'm sorry but you were the one that sat at the table and exclaimed "There are potatoes in potato chips?!"  You are the one that believes that I am a self-centered, snotty bitch.  Your words, not mine.  You are the one that doesn't get it...and probably never will because you are jealous and you lack being able to actually listen.

I may be a self-centered, snotty bitch.  I think I deserve to be a bit self-centered after the shit hand that life has dealt my way.  I am ALWAYS doing for others...I never ask for anything in return.  I am taking care of terminally ill family members.  I gave up my career and my dreams (for now) to do so.  I have let go of becoming a mother because, at this time, I simply can't be a parent and a caretaker due to time and finances. I would do it again because that is how life is. Snotty?  Maybe, but I have spent numerous hours trying to explain things to you...the why's and what's.  I have tried to get you to understand that things don't always go the way we want them to and that wanting and thinking you're entitled to what everyone has....that life doesn't work like that.  I have been stuck in  a move for 3 years.  THREE FUCKING YEARS. Mainly because you and your mother don't want anyone to have anything or for change.  Estates needs to be settled. Bills need to be paid.  End of life things need to be put in order.  I'm snotty because I have nothing in order and my house and head are a frustrating mess.  I'm snotty because I am exhausted.  So. fucking. exhausted. of fighting everyone in this.  I want to be able to find my damn clothes...and pictures...and recipes...and kitchen utensils.  I want to be able to sit down and relax for a few moments and enjoy what time I have left with my parent.  I want to be able to look around and call this place my home...without seeing stacks of boxes and things waiting for me to find their respective places after I finish packing up my deceased family members' items.  Lastly, I want to be able to grieve.  Three years of mounting grief...because this process has been drawn out and it will never fucking end unless I keep pushing the lawyer to complete the estate settlement.

Most of all, you sit there on your almighty throne throwing judgments and snapping orders (from 9 hours away) when you have made mistakes.  I have never judged you, but there are some things I just don't understand.  Like how you could give your newborn away to strangers?  I will never understand it when you tell me that you didn't want the responsibility.  It was your choice...no matter how much it grieves us or worries us (about your mental well-being).  There is a difference between you and me....no matter how wrong I think you are with certain choices, I will never give up supporting or loving you.  I admit that my opinion will probably never change on this subject. You had the world and you gave it away...I could never look in my child's eyes and hand her/him to another person so they could be called mom or dad.  I will never understand the choice of putting myself over my child. Sadly, that is what you did.  You never ever said that it was best for your child because you weren't ready to be a parent.  Your words will always echo in my head, "I'm not ready for responsibility and I want to be able to continue to party and do what I want." In a way it was best for that baby...deserve better than what you were willing to provide.  It will remain sad to me...not because you made that choice, but why you made it and I may never completely understand how you are wired that way where in every single decision you make, you always use the 'me, me me' reason and not in a good way.    Yet, I will never fault you for that, I just will never understand.  I guess that is why you feel entitled to be boss and to take over the 'empire' and that you and your family feels that you deserve to have everything that belongs to everyone. You are so jealous of what others have...you can't see that you have nothing to be jealous about.

Again, your words, not mine...

You make it so unGodly difficult for me to not punch you in the face or impolitely tell you off and it may happen sooner than later, despite my efforts to control my anger over the situation.  You really aren't worth my time or energy and it is oh-so-difficult to walk away.

I leave you with this...someday you are going to wish things were different.  You are going to wish that you had my love and support.  You are going to wish that you had listened.  You are going to regret calling me names and talking horrible about me.  Most of all, you are going to look back at the years your threw away and realize that those that loved you most are the ones you shit on.  Sadly, we will probably not be around then...you will be on your own and realize that it is too late.  Even if some of us are still around, I have a suspicion that you will have burned all of your bridges.  Life is a long lonely road to haul without people that love and care for us....everyone dies, everyone lies, and everything changes no matter how much we try to keep things the same.

Love,

Eskimo Kisses