I've been trying to keep myself busy with all types of things. Trying hard to keep my mind off of the pain and grief that seems to wash over me at the most inconvenient times.
We get their ashes back on Tuesday. I'm not extremely comfortable with K getting half and me getting half, it feels so wrong to split their ashes up between us. I do understand that he needs them as much as I do. We broke down when we went in to sit with their little containers. I was bad, but I didn't realize until then just how hard he is taking it. Poor guy just curled into my arms and fell apart.
None of this seems real. I was never able to be with my babies when I miscarried until now. I'll never be able to hold them. I'll never see any of their firsts or watch them live out their dreams. I'll never get to kiss their boo-boos and cry with them when their heartbreaks.
All I'll have is their ashes, the ultrasound photos, the sounds of their little heartbeats, the memories of feeling Tommy move slightly, and the positive pregnancy test with the knowledge that everything that the future holds will be empty without them.
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Listening to: Jeff Buckley - Dream Brother
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, January 11, 2009
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Sending you lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh hon - I wish you didn't have to feel this, either of you. You have lost too much for one person, but you keep taking small step and that is an amazing sign of strength.
ReplyDeleteUpdating the memory wall this morning. Plese feel free to gaze upon your babies, and ours, all together in one place -this afternoon!!