Lost

I've lost my way.

I have been sitting here talking to a friend of mine. She told me I am strong. I don't believe her. I have had to ask people NOT to hug me over the last few weeks. I've had to walk out of a room when the topic of babies, pregnancy, or marriage came up. I've had to go against who I am because I'm so afraid that if someone touches me or says the wrong thing that I'll shatter and completely fall apart.

I have no husband any more. I had a boyfriend that I had to walk away from because I needed him and he went to help friends redo their home in two states away.

I have 5 Angel babies. Most people in my life don't know about any of them and some only know about a couple. There are only 3 people in my life that know about all of them, besides here.

There is something wrong with me. I am in an area where the doctors and hospitals suck. I have no insurance and am in big-time debt with my health bills.

I am coming to the realization that no matter what I do, I may never have a partner or a baby.

My career is hanging by a thread. I know it, but I can't do shit about it because my health and sanity is more important right now.

This wasn't how my life was supposed to be when I begin my 30s. This wasn't my plan or goals for my life.

I'm absolutely terrified. My faith is being tested. My strength is being tested. My love is being tested. My body is being tested. Everything in my life is hanging by a thread and I see the scissors coming at it.

My friends that lost their stillborn baby boy are in complete denial. They won't even acknoledge their loss. It's almost as if he never existed. I"ve brought up support systems, couseling for them and their daughter, blogging anonymously so they can just get their feelings out without having anyone there to comment. Their little girl is asking about the baby constantly, not understanding the loss or the graveside service for him and they ignore her. I've reached out and I respect they don't want it, but I'm so concerned at how unhealthy it is to try to pretend none of this happened.

Denial and grief sucks.