Another day.

More deaths. A friend's baby was stillborn a few days ago.

I got bad news back from my doctor. Going in on Wednesday for more tests. My blood counts are crazy high and my pap smear showed abnormal cells. I sill have that infection that no antibiotics are touching. I don't know what's going on, neither does my doctor, but I really wish they'd figure it out.

I'm broken and shattered. The last few months have destroyed me. I have to make myself get out of bed and to eat. Yet, I can't sleep, either. I stopped reading the local papers and watching the local news. The double murder is plastered everywhere. Everyone has their opinions about it...most not knowing I know the family.

I can't get the damned baby's casket out of my mind. I can't get the sobs of that day out of my head. I see my twins' urn and I sob. People that don't know I lost them walk up to me and ask me about them. They mean well, but it is just one more punch to my gut. Everything is so raw. My emotions are on edge. I don't know how to make any of this better.

I've lost 9 people in two months.

One of my best friends lost his mom. I haven't been able to have a real conversation for weeks with him. I feel that on top of everything, I've lost him, too. Things have changed so fast for both of us and I am not in a place to be the emotional rock he needs just as he isn't able to be the rock I need.

This all sucks...I feel so lost and alone.