No Escape

I simply cannot escape sickness, death or tragedy. It is all around me, wrapping it's cold, harsh arms and squeezing. I watch those I love struggle to find peace daily. Several have gave up and are praying for mercy to pass peacefully in their sleep. Some are struggling to survive, to find the answer to stay alive. Others are reeling from tragedies in their lives that have completely sunk them.

My family is falling apart and slowly fading away. My friendships are strained because I simply do not have the time or energy to be the friend I used to be and it isn't new, it's been going on for over a year now.

I have learned to enjoy the small things. I've learned to forgive. I've learned that I can't hold the weight of the world on my shoulders and that there are some people that have to grow up and take on the responsibility that is their place, not mine. I've learned that I can't be in two places, or three, or four, at the same time. I am not a superhero. If I was, then Cancer, baby loss, among other things, would simply be defeated.

I sit at the hospital, cancer center, and nursing home daily. I see that this does not just affect me. That strength dwells in those that you would never expect it. Tears fall quietly as the doctors continue to tell us that in several of these cases, that there is simply no more they can do. In two family members, they were diagnosed 6 weeks ago and that was way too late....even though they had physicals within the last 6 months that showed they were in spectacular health. I watch people of ALL ages that I know and some I have just met fight horrible diseases. Some have already lost their fights. Several of them just couldn't fight any longer.

I cry when I'm alone so I don't let those that need me see the tears. They know I'm heartbroken and that the tears are there, but when one tear falls from one's face, it starts a chain reaction. I cry in the restrooms, on the walk to the coffee machine, in the shower, when doing the tasks at the homes that still have to be done, when I'm trying to relax to get ready for bed, and in the mornings when I awake and realize that another day of watching those I love suffer is on the horizon.

We have had last family meals and get-togethers. We have had last family photos that stab me in the heart when I see how much they have failed. We have had those last talks...the ones where you say things you want to say to someone before they die.

I have bonded with one so closely that I have been the one she wants around the most. I am the one she confides in and cries to. I am the one that holds her hand and tells her that whatever she wants, it will be done. I am the one that has been given the greatest gift...a gift I never dreamed of having with her because we never bonded before. I have spent hours over the last two months with her. Many, many hours learning things that no one else knows. When we get that call, it will devastate me. No matter how much I've prepared for losing her, it will break my already broken heart. I simply can't believe how fast this has taken her down.

It doesn't help that this is the baby loss season for me. That from October-January is when I've miscarried my five babies. I still have not dealt with losing my twins last Christmas. I don't know how to deal with that knowing that I am not supposed to get pregnant again due to health issues and that adoption is financially out of the question at this time.

Today is one of those days when I feel so defeated and exhausted because I know I have to go on and be strong, but I have no idea where my strength will come from. I am so tired of loss, pain, and sadness around me. I am so tired of feeling so helpless. I am so exhausted from knowing that the inevitable is coming and that loss will leave a huge hole in my life.