11 years

I spent most of the day trying to deal with other things that needed my attention.  That couldn't wait another day.  But in the back of my mind and overflowing in my heart, I ached you, my precious angel baby M.  In my limited spare time, I cried.  In my appointments, I was transported back to December 10, 2001.  Alone. Scared. Tremendous pain, first physical, then emotional.  The roller coaster ride of emotions that seemed to have left me paralyzed with joy, fear, pain, and grief a matter of minutes. 

I wonder what you would be like...a boy or girl?  Who would you look like...me or my ex-husband?  I wonder what your personality would be like and what hobbies you would enjoy. I wonder if you would be starting the pre-teen attitude.  I ache to tell you how much I love you.  I ache to hold you in my arms.  Would you love me as much as I loved my mother....

Sadness overwhelms me.  At age 11, I was motherless.  My mother (and father) wanted me so badly....but I only had her on this Earth 10 years of my life.  All I knew at that age was sickness and death....and grief and sadness. I have no doubt that your young life would have been drastically different from mine, but I guarantee that you would have known unconditional love and you would have been accepted for you, even when my motherly instincts would try to change you. You would have been the center of my world...along with your siblings.

Instead, you are the center of my world with your siblings in such a different way.  I wake up daily with the hope it was all a bad nightmare. By the time I close my eyes to sleep, I think about you...usually with a tear or two streaming down to my pillow.  I strive to be a better person because I know if I allow my grief to swallow me up, I would be useless.  It would be so easy to slip into and so difficult to escape.  I have been there, it wasn't a nice place and I was so ashamed to be there because I felt I was disappointing you and your siblings in some way.

 Every year, I ache to do this with you on this Earth...every year, I grieve because I can't.  Some day in another time and place, I will be able to say this to you, face to face.

Happy 11th Birthday, my darling angel child.  I hope that your grandmother is celebrating with you and giving you the love I am not able to give.