One Day Away

I am so exhausted... And sick... And I tore my leg to hell few weeks ago and I am still having issues just standing on it. I know that at some point there will be surgery but that can't happen right now due to other health issues.

I dread tomorrow. My second was lost 11 years ago. It is also one of my best friend's birthday. She doesn't know that she shares it with my second baby. I had no idea I was pregnant. My father-in-law was dying in another country and my father was fighting for his life. I had multiple surgeries on my hands and arms and I had to drop out of college and take care of my father... Amazing since I couldn't even take care of myself. Shocked that I had to walk away from my passion and face more illness and death.

I hadn't been feeling well and I had decided that it was all due to stress and my world falling apart. Little did I know that my world would crash around me.

It was the beginning of the end for my relationship and marriage. It would take almost 3 more years for it to end, but by the end of 2001,everything had changed. I had changed.

The last straw to completely knock me out was waking up that morning to me hemorrhaging. I went to the er. Immediately, I found out I was miscarrying.

I laid there, stunned and alone, staring through the hot tears streaming out of my eyes at the ultrasound of my 6w2d baby. There was no heartbeat... No movement. The more I tried to get Baby M to flutter, the more hysterical I became. My blood pressure went through the roof and the bleeding was starting to concern everyone in the room. Immediately they start working on me. It was wrong all a blur and all I remember after that point was signing the consent forms for surgery and the D&C. The last words I heard was that if they couldn't stop the bleeding that they may have to start taking my reproductive organs.

I woke up. Empty and alone. My husband was away at school and couldn't leave because of finals. I still had all of my reproductive system but there was already irreparable damage done. And no baby.

I learned of Baby M, saw the lifeless little bud on the screen, and had a D&C in a matter of hours. All I could feel was devastation and the tight grip on holding my ruins of my life together slipped into a deep dark depression. I could no longer be the strong one in the house.